Diabetic husband won't work & sex issues
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| Thu, 11-15-2007 - 9:39am |
Some background... DH and I met fall of '97 in whirlwind love affair, we were pregnant within a month but were happy as we knew we were meant 2b 2gether 4ever. Madly in love, he made me feel like I could do anything. After the birth of our daughter, sex started to become an issue. As most new relationships, we had it a lot in the beginning. Once my daughter was born, I wasn't feeling as passionate (duh!) and he started to get frustrated and moody. I felt so pushed that I had sex with him before my six weeks of postpartum was over (about 5 weeks after birth) - it hurt a lot as I had stitches.
DH had a job selling windows and I wasn't working - we struggled financially so I brought in extra money by babysitting. It got so bad, we had to move in with his mother and all stay in one room. He lost his job and so when my daughter was 3 months old, I got a job. I was able to make enough for us to get an apartment. I got pregnant again and when my 90 days at the new job neared, they let me go. Within 2 weeks I miscarried. I picked myself up and found a terrific job working for an internet company in '99. All this time, I was asking my dh to find a job so I could stay home with my kids (I had a daughter from prev. relationship, he has a son from previous marriage) - but he never did.
After a few months at the internet job, I mentioned his name when they were looking for more help and he started working in my office. I always thought he agreed as it was a 'cool' techie job (not beneath him). Of course, this was the heat of the dotcom era and in less than a year, things at work started to decline - paychecks bouncing. When Y2K was looming, we got hit with a horrible situation.
My DH found out he had type1 diabetes, out of the blue. He had always been fit, skinny, active and a healthy eater. This devastated him. I tried to help him through the stages of grief, but I don't think he's ever made it past the 'disbelief' stage.
Meanwhile, I lost my job and he lost his. I quickly found another dotcom job, but also discovered I was pregnant again. Again, he refused to look for another job - after working at a cool dotcom, nothing else was adequate. I hated my new job - my boss was creepy and I just wanted to be home with my kids. I worked until the pregnancy (lots of preterm labor) took me down - including flying to a conference in 109 degree las vegas when I was six months pregnant.
After my son was born, I didn't want to go back to my job. I hated it there...but we were broke. After only 5 weeks off after the birth, I had to go back. I had to breast pump in the icky bathroom .. Ugh, it was hell. I survived six more months and finally - since my husband refused still to get a job, I started researching work at home ideas and I quit in June of 2001 and had a client for my new Virtual Assistant business within the first month.
I made a great success of it. My husband, however had more serious health issues. He would be nauseated horribly and could barely get off the couch for an entire year - cold spells that left him shaking, heart palpitations - all kinds of crazy symptoms that no Dr. could decipher. And still, during all of this craziness, if he didn't get sex every 3 days, he would get moody, distant and mean. As you can tell, I built up some serious resentment for having to carry all the load of our finances, life choices - all the big responsibilities were left up to me. My needs are ignored or dismissed while his have to be met or there's trouble.
His health started to improve, but he still had to deal with the diabetes. I was making okay money, but we were still struggling here and there as we have zero budget - he refuses. When we get in a pinch, his Mom gives him money.
I started to make really good money and we decided to buy a house (yup, sub-prime victims) and now we've been in our very expensive house for 2 years and we're in foreclosure as my business has been faltering since I work mostly with real estate agents.
What do we argue about at least once or twice a month? How much we have sex. "Other women want it all the time.." "Women have all the power..." "Why do I have to ask for it.." "You never..." "You're a prude..."
I'm not a nag, but he knows there is only one thing I have ever wanted him to do differently - help bring in money. I've told him that i don't care if he works from home - does anything - just help take this awful load off my back. My health has been deteriorating, I'm depressed all the time and we keep going through our day as if we aren't going to lose this house on Feb 1st to auction...
I have no friends, I rarely leave the house more than once a month and we're together 24/7. He does dishes maybe once every other day, he'll run laundry (badly) sometimes, but never folds or puts away - he does almost all the shopping and cooking - but doesn't make that many meals for everyone, usually just himself as he has to eat on a schedule. He thinks he does all this household stuff - but a lot doesn't get done at all. Yet, he keeps pushing for the sex when I have so many hats to wear and have so much frustration and hurt.
I love him - he makes me happy, he's sweet, he's funny and I love spending ALL my time with him and he's good with our kids - but I can't help but feel I'm selling myself short. I don't want to be some evil nag, I want him to WAN'T to show me he cares about us and our future. I feel taken advantage of... Whenever we get in a blowout over sex - especially these last few months, he says evil and horribly hurtful things to me. He gets all cold and mean - then after awhile if I'm crying alone or the next day, he comes and apologizes and tells me I'm right and that he'll try harder...then he starts crying and says he doesn't deserve me and he doesn't know why I put up with him. Two days later, back to normal - nothing changes.
He says it wouldn't matter if he got a job, I still wouldn't have sex with him. Mind you, we have sex at least 2x a week. I try really hard, even when I'm busy and tired to try and initiate. Last week we had a big fight because it had only been 1 day since we had sex, he wanted it again and I didn't feel well - plus, I had a deadline for a client. We fought, I cried, I finally got through to him and we had a good talk, later we went out to dinner and I felt really close to him and then after dinner he says 'I have a surprise for you..' and he takes me to the "Hustler" store. He insists I go into the yucky pr0n section and gets mad at me when he realizes that I'm hurt and depressed. It's like talking to a brick wall... and he calls me a prude again.
Alright, I've written a book - but I wanted a good accounting of everything so I can get your honest advice. I feel so isolated sometimes that I don't know if I'm being unreasonable or what... Thanks! Please tell me what you think?

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Ah, thank you so much everyone! I'm feeling a bit better now - thanks for the clear head.
I wish I had counseling in the budget, but I may be able to pick up a few books to help me figure out what I'm going to do. First, I have to take control of the foreclosure issue.
This has gone on waaayyyy too long and one way or another, it's going to stop. I don't want to be a door mat and I don't want my son thinking that this is the way you treat the women you love.
glitter-graphics.com
Your husband is being outrageously selfish.
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