Did I do the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Did I do the right thing?
12
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:26pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 1 year, for the last 6 months or so he has been living at my place. A couple of days ago, I asked that he not live here and that we still see each other. He is truly upset by my decisions and is acting like I'm dumping him. He loves me "more than you know" and tells me all the time. He works for himself, contractor, and seems to be a hard worker. The problem is he doesn't contribute to my household bills. He keeps telling me he will and I know he has a couple of good paying jobs coming up and he will catch up then, I know these jobs don't start for a month or more and he barely has any money. He talks alot about the things he's gonna do but I am really not listening anymore because I just don't see him following thru and achieving them.

Our sex life is fantastic! My friends and family like him and he just thinks I'm "all that and a slice of bread".

When I've told him I feel like I'm being taken advantage of he is very insulted that I have lost respect for him. We've both had bad relationships in the past. I really love this guy, I want to believe all that he says, but right now I think he is more a talker than a do-er. When he does have money he is very generous and he has never given me any reason not to trust him. I want to tell him to come "home" but I ......... am at a loss.

Did I do the right thing?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:32pm
I'm not sure if this is helpful but...So you asked him to leave because you felt he was not paying his share. If that is true then you did the right thing, but you say when he does have money he is very generous. If that is the only thing you are complaining about and he treats you with respect then you might have done the wrong thing. Talk to him and tell him how you feel and ask him to come back if thats what you really want. Good luck. Jessica
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:41pm
If he truly doesn't have any $ to pay the bills now and does contribute when he does have $, then how can you fault him? Is he turning down work?
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 12:54pm
He doesn't turn down work-if anything he does 'free gratis' cuz he's such a good guy. I'm not working right now and am living from savings- I feel like my savings is being depleted.

He was living with his parents who have taken care of him the same way I have been doing. I'm 41 he's 40

I think I've screwed up a good thing.... I am a security freak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-10-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 1:30pm
First off you need to decide what it is you want from a relationship. Security is very important but it does not buy love, I'v been there done that! Doesn't work!

There are many kinds of love, many reasons why we love a person. We all have different wants and desires.

Only you know what you need. Are you afraid you will be supporting him for the long haul and that upsets you? I know I would not want to feel that way. I think as we get older security becomes so much more important to a person.

But if he is really trying and doing the best he can thats good. If he is using you only you can know that.

Do you both want the same things? OUr you afraid you cannot acheive them by doing it alone most of the time?

Things to think about. Good Luck!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2004
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 2:16pm
Thanks cherie49 for your reply and others thank you. YOu have given me some great thoughts to consider. Is love enough?, is security enough? In a perfect world I'd like to have both.

One thing I'd like is for him instead of telling me the kind of man he is-- to show me the kind of man he is by attempting to accomplish what he keeps talking about.

This is truly a great forum!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 6:39pm
You absolutely did the right thing in asking him to move out. I'm against living together before marriage anyway because I believe its a raw deal for women. You might want to read "Shacking Up: 40 Reasons Why Not to (Wise Advice from Someone Who Has)" by Anne James-Sieff. Sure, continue to date him...why not?

You are also correct that actions speak louder than words.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Sat, 06-12-2004 - 6:53pm
I personally believe that by asking him not to leave was a good thing to do. Bills are no joke and they arent something that you can selectively pay. It must be done. If he doesnt contribute solidly and it hinders you in anyway with your bills. Then it most definately was necessary. Granted it may be hard, but look at the bright side. He can still stay over sometimes, not all the times. If you all can get pass this though, it should be ok.

Destiny

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 8:46am
i'm sorry, i'm sure he is a nice guy, maybe he is a talented guy - but what's the deal here? he is a 40 year old man, who lives with his parents, who take "care of him". unless he had a GF who "takes care of him". he doesn't know how to work (i.e., he does free jobs for people, becuase??), and he doesn't understand concepts like "paying the bills" or "prioritizing your money". when you say <> do you mean that when he has money he buys you nice things/takes you out to dinner? or that when he has money he pays his part of the bills?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2003
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 5:01pm
To be honest, I think you were very strong and did the right thing by asking him to move out. It sounds like he's basically a good guy, but your gut feeling is telling you he is more talk than follow-through, and that's an important thing to recognize if you really want a future with this man. Believe me, I have a similar situation with my boyfriend (it may be more severe than yours, though), and we may well be breaking up because it's hard to see a future with someone who doesn't follow through on what he says he will, no matter how much I love him. I wouldn't feel bad, because you didn't break up with him, after all, just asked him to move out. He's not your husband at this point, and I would think he should be understanding about this.

Good luck!

toriphile322

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-09-2004
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 7:33pm
I don't think that asking him not to live with you because you can't afford to support the 2 of you is wrong. That's pretty clear. It may even be best. It may even spur him into action so he'll try to get more work. It sounds like you may have felt a need to find a negative reason to take this action. You saw your savings dwindling, anxiety about the future set in and it makes things scarry. You start to feel taken advantage of.

If you explain to him that you just don't feel you can support the 2 of you on your money when you don't have a job - shouldn't that be enough said. It doesn't have to be a blaming situation. If he feels insulted by that, I would say you would have been taken advantage of. If he is understanding about it, perhaps not.

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