Did I do the right thing by leaving him?

Avatar for leanne78
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Did I do the right thing by leaving him?
11
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 9:08am
My boyfriend and I had been dating a year. I broke up with him briefly last summer because of his committment issues. Then he wanted to get back together with me saying he wanted me in his life but still "needed space" and couldn't promise me the future, but that we could see where things go. Naively I got back with him. So for the last 4 months we kinda slipped into a relationship again and spent the holidays together. Just when I felt we were close, all of a sudden he had a talk with me about where the relationship was going and that he knew I wanted a relationship with a future and he wasn't ready. We were back to square one again. So he said he still wanted to see me, but we needed to put up "boundaries" and stop sleeping together and try to become friends more to have a deeper emotional attachment, and possibly see other people. He wanted to get together this weekend and meet somewhere to talk more. I admit I have been guarded with him emotionally because I didn't feel secure with him. But I broke up with him and said it would be too hard to continue seeing eachother and remain friends.That one day maybe we would be, but not now. I just felt like his motivation there was to string me along and I had to cut it off. Did I do the right thing, or was it a premature move?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 10:25am
You did the right thing. You and he want different things. It is very hard to remain frinds with some who you love.

I don't think he was stringing you along though. He was honest and in touch with what he wanted and didn't want.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 1:58pm

i think you did the right thing - even if you are heartbroken right now. he was ok with a "friends with benefits" kind of relationship - and you weren't.


do something nice for yourself this weekend.... hugs

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 01-10-2004 - 2:57pm
You did the right thing. You're taking care of you and taking control of your life. Always the right thing to do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:45am
Yes - you absolutely did the right thing.

Peace - Pebbles

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 10:58am

You did the perfect thing, and the timing was far from premature. Clearly, this guy does not understand himself, has real committment issues and is not ready to be in any kind of solid relationship. Staying with him would simply be playing with your heart and wasting your time. It is not possible to remain "just friends" with someone you have deeper feelings for. This prevents you from letting go and moving forward to someone new who would be there for you and much healthier. Also, the fact that he suggested seeing others while you were friends, shows that his feelings for

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Mon, 01-12-2004 - 11:11am
Yes, I think you did the right thing. It sounds like to me that he wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Meaning that he wanted a committed, non-committed relationship with you where as he could be with you to buffer his loneliness & also be free to see other people. That's totally not fair to you - you deserve more and better! Like you said, perhaps in the future you two might get back together again but for the moment - it's not possible. I am just like you - I can't be friends with my ex - either we are all or nothing - that's my attitude.

Good luck to you for making a decision that will benefit you greatly in the long-run.

Avatar for leanne78
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2003
Wed, 01-14-2004 - 6:09pm
Thanks for the encouragement. I guess when you are hurting so much you second guess your decisions.

When I first talked to him I said we had to stop seeing eacohter FOR NOW, leaving the door cracked so to speak. He was fine with that and told me to call him anytime to see him as "friends." Then I changed my mind and broke things off entirely, frienship and all. Interestingly enough I haven't heard from him and probaby won't. This reinforces my guess his intention was to have his cake and eat it too.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-16-2004
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 12:11pm
Yes you did the right thing.. I am in the same situation not as long been dating a guy for 4 months and because of his busy schedule we saw each other only once a week.. Thats not a relationship.. You want someone who isnt afraid to be with you and spend time and know where you are.. Its like running towards something that you can never catch . You eventually give up move on and meet someone who can give you these things.. I have dated guys before that done this and I break up and they always call but I am over it by then .. they need to know what they want when they are with me...
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 4:54pm
I do not think he is being honest with you. I think he wants to be with you and have you by his side, BUT he wants to sleep with other girls and not feel guilty or like he owes you anything. You should steer clear from this guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-22-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 5:55pm
Well, i agree with everybody here, and I wanted to add that is was very disrespectful of him to insist on 'being just friends' (with benefits, i assume?) when he knew you wanted a committed relationship. If he was not ready for this, he should have left you in peace, fee to move on. Move on now. I hope you will have a great weekend, and that you will pamper yourself. You should feel good about yourself, for being smart.

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