Did I handle this wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Did I handle this wrong?
10
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 12:22pm

The bottom line is this: We're going to visit my brother and his fiance over Easter weekend and my parents are flying to be with us all. They are all religious and we are not. They've mentioned that they will be attending Easter Services on Sunday, and that we are invited, but not expected to come.

Because we only see my family 3 or so times a year, and this is just a brief weekend trip, I don't want to forefit any time with them. We'd already be in a strange city where it would be difficult to "meet up" afterwards, and we also leave later that day to come home. Even though my mother says it's not necessary, I feel like it will hurt her feelings and create tension if we don't go.

I mentioned how important it is to my husband, and that I see it as more of a family function and a cultural event. But he has flat out refused to attend. He thinks it would be hypocritical to go to church as a non-christian... His only reason was "I just don't do that. I don't go to church". He won't budge on this, says that it's not like we can "spend time" with them in a church, and feels like they just need to accept that we're not Christian and be OK with our absence. I explained that it's not really about that, but more about supporting me in something that is very important to me, but he won't budge. I'm very upset about how stubborn he's being and am thinking of asking him not to come on the trip at all. Please help, I really need advice. Am I looking at this all wrong?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Thu, 03-29-2007 - 1:44pm

Welcome to the future_butterfly,


I can understand you being upset that your husband won't budge on the going to church since you want to go to spend more time with your family, however, I still think you should include him in going on the trip. Maybe you can reach on agreement were you can go to church and he can wait in the car or find some where nearby to hang out and you and your family and can meet him there afterwards. I think if you try hard enough to find a compromise that this can be worked out. Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 1:28am
I am a bit different than many wives in that I go on trips without my husband all the time. Some people see something wrong with that but I feel that if he isn't comfortable doing what I want to do, then he shouldn't do it. I go see my family, (they tolerate him but don't like him) and I take the kids camping and to the coast.
I feel like if you want to go and spend time with your mother in church, then you should do that. If he wants to go on the trip with you and stay at the house or hotel, he should be allowed to do that. You got married, you didn't get joined at the hip. You both have the right to feel the way you do.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 3:34am
What's going on here is not about going to church or not. Your mother has said she doesn't mind if you don't go to church, so it sounds like they already "accept" that you and your husband are non-churchgoers. So, that's not the issue, regardless of what your husband says. The only way to end the battle is to tell your husband you understand how he feels, but you would still like to attend the service alone with your family, and you hope he will meet you later. If he refuses, then you can see the issue for what it truly is: He wants to control where you are that morning. Only you can decide how important it is to accomodate this need.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 5:41am

I'm an athiest and as such, I would be appalled if someone insisted I attend church. I will do it for a wedding, but nothing else. As your husband said, it's not like you'll be chatting and catching up in the church. Also, it does appear that your mother knows and accepts that the two of you aren't religious, so it's not an issue from her point of view.

Attend church with your family and let him read a book/newspaper in a nearby park. Or let him stay in the hotel with the TV. He's got plenty of time to catch up with them later.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 8:09am
>>>I see it as more of a family function and a cultural event<<< Clearly, this is not how *he* sees it. It's his perception. It's his opinion, and he's entitled to that. Regardless of whether you are willing to give up an hour or two with your family by attending church with them, that doesn't mean that he should be obligated to do so. You are individuals. It isn't that you need "support." It's that you want him to agree with you over what going to church with your family is. He doesn't agree. So now it's time to get on with it. He's apparently is fine with going with you for the weekend trip. I'm sure, from what you are saying here, that he's not trying to get out of anything. He simply does not feel that he should not follow his own beliefs. I see nothing wrong with that.









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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 9:53am

It's one thing to visit with family or friends, it's another to attend a religious service. He has every right not to want to attend a religious service that he does not feel a part of. It sounds as though your parents respect your right not to attend the church service. If you want to go, go. He doesn't have to join you. He can spend other time with you and your family. I do hope he will also extend the right to you to attend, if you so wish.

All relationships have points of similarities and those of differences. In order to grow a relationship and keep it strong and vital, it's crucial to accept and respect one another's differences, as well as their similarities. Give him respect and he will give it to you as well. Each of you needs to make your own choices here.

Best wishes,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 9:55am

>>>You got married, you didn't get joined at the hip. You both have the right to feel the way you do.<<<

Thank you all for your suggestions. I am going to have to think all of this over, and then have a discussion with him about what he would be most comfortable with.

Looking back over it, I think that what bothered me the most was his vehement oppositon to the whole thing,and his unwillingness to have a calm and rational discussion about it. If we could have just talked it over without all of the snide remarks and control from him ("I'm not going, and if you go, I'm going to have to go" which basically means NIETHER of us is going, in his mind)that would have been one thing. But he immediately flew on the defensive, and wouldn't let me explain why it was so important to me.

Another poster mentioned that as an atheist, they would be appalled if someone asked them to go to church, but that they'd be fine going to a wedding. The point is, I'm not religious either, and I can't see the difference between a wedding or funeral (family functions that you attend out of obligation)and a major religious holiday- that you attend with your family out of obligation. I'm not asking him to have a spiritual awakening or to go to church every Sunday; to take communion, or to get down on his knees and pray: I'm asking him to sit next to me in a room for 45 minutes and breathe in and out. In my opinion it IS about supporting me, and the traditions of my family. But if he has any opposition to going, moral or otherwise, I could respect it and even understand it if he would just have an adult conversation with me about it. But saying "I'm not going, and that's final!" and in the same breath basically telling me that I'm not going, either: I guess that is just harder for me to swallow.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2007
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 10:09am

Dr Shoshanna,(et al.)

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my dilemma. I will speak to him tonight to see if we can reach some compromise on this issue. I'm sure we'll figure something out. As I mentioned earlier, I think what upset me the most is that he was refusing to see things from my side, and asking me not to go either. Either way, we'll have to talk it out.

Thank you again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2004
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 12:13pm
I can totally understand where you are coming from. I grew up in an abusive household where my mother and us kids were completly dominated by my step-father. Anything we ever wanted to do, no matter how small, had to go through him. When I got married, my husband learned that he'd better not tell me "No" 'cause I'll do it just to spite him!
I'm not like that (so much) anymore, but the point is, when two people get married, they have the right to their own feelings and their own course of action in certain situations as long as it doesn't truly hurt the other. Your husband's bossy, domineering attitude is one reason many marriages end. After a while, women just get tired of it.
I can see his point of standing up for what he believes in though. While I think it is a little over the top and to the extreme, some men are like that. Is he always this deffinit about things, or is it just about this personal belief?
Here's the thing: I am a Christian. I have been all my life. I have had two deffinite miracles happen in my life that convinces me that God is real. If I had to go sit in a meeting for two hours and listen to people saying He wasn't, when I know inside myself that He is, I wouldn't care if my family members were going or not. I just wouldn't do it. I would make other arrangements.
Easter, the rising of the Son of God from the dead, is the very essence of a Christian's belief system and the core of what we believe to be true. To someone who just doesn't believe in this, it is very difficult to take.
In flipping it around to his point of view, can you perhaps see where he might be coming from in his adamance? Maybe he goes a bit futher in his thoughts on the subject than what you had realized. Good luck.


Edited 3/30/2007 1:00 pm ET by princess196804
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Fri, 03-30-2007 - 6:01pm

>>Another poster mentioned that as an atheist, they would be appalled if someone asked them to go to church, but that they'd be fine going to a wedding. The point is, I'm not religious either, and I can't see the difference between a wedding or funeral (family functions that you attend out of obligation)and a major religious holiday- that you attend with your family out of obligation.<<

Quite simple really. While the venue may be a church, we're not there for religious instruction. By and large, the wedding/funeral is about loved ones...not about religion. In short, the church is simply a venue - and there is minimal religious sermon.

In contrast, Easter is all about religion. It's not about a bride and groom, nor is it about remembering a lost loved one. Instead, it's all about discussing God and Jesus and stuff. And I'm seriously uncomfortable in this situation.

I did go to a Christening once, but it was uncomfortably religious and I'm not sure I'd do it again. As opposed to a wedding/funeral the Christening seemed to be more about God than the baby.

You may not see the difference that I do and that's OK. But since you asked - this is how I feel.

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace