Did I make a mistake?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Did I make a mistake?
4
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 9:04am
I've consulted the members of ivillage about my situation a few times over the last few weeks, but I am in desperate need of reassurance/advice today. Brief rehash, I dated a man for 5 months. Wanted ideally for him to tell me he was ready to be exclusive, like I was, but would have kept going if I knew it wasn't a casual thing (not serious, but not casual). I brought it up and he said we were "exclusive by default" and that he couldn't/didn't want to "make the emotional investment." I told him I couldn't see him anymore and that I didn't see any reason to continue the conversation any more. He argued that we should keep talking and when I finally agree he tells me that he's been thinking and that I'm right...there was nothing else to talk about. Then it was final, I guess.

I went about my way for 3 weeks starting to get over it when he calls (and leaves a message) to tell me he was thinking about me and that his Valentine's Day was horrible. I return his message the next day reciprocating the sentiment. He hasn't called again. This was about a week ago.

All the while I've been wondering if I made a mistake by cutting him off so quickly. We really had something amazing and it is quite painful to let go. All he had to say was that we weren't casual anymore. While he didn't say it directly (to be fair, I didn't ask directly) he did say other things during the conversation that could have meant that. I've thought so much about the things he did say and wonder if I made a mistake. I don't if I'll be able to live with myself if I screwed up with him.

I sent him an email Monday, in an effort to explain my reason for abruptly ending the status conversation by telling him I couldn't see him any more and that I didn't see any point in talking more. But in reading this email over again to myself I realized that I left out the important detail of wondering whether or not I had misunderstood him to mean that our relationship was still CASUAL and not more than that. That's all I needed to hear and I'm so afraid that he said it and I just didn't understand.

Did I do the right thing by leaving? Should I try to talk to him again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 9:12am
You know, in your situation it is tough to determine whether or not you did the right thing. You had little info to go on in such a short amount of time. I guess the best way to look at it is you weren't getting the fulfillment you wanted so you left. I woulda left too. Otherwise there's a good chance you coulda wound up unhappy and unsatisfied with him. In every split, there are always the 'what-ifs' but I wouldn't dwell on them. If there was something solid between the two of you, you will find your way back to eachother. But don't go out of your way to try to make that happen. Just keep moving on with your life. Time will heal any wounds you have so long as you don't spend that time rehashing. My thinking is that if he hasn't gotten back to you then how serious is he about missing you.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 11:18am
'I return his message the next day reciprocating the sentiment. He hasn't called again'

Doesn't that tell you something? He isn't willing to put in the energy to make a relationship. He called on a whim, because he was lonely. As soon as you agreed, he backed off.

It shouldn't be this difficult.

Set your sights elsewhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 6:02pm
I mean to ask, should I try to tell him that I was trying to ask if we were casual?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 02-25-2004 - 6:06pm
It isn't that I was unfulfilled. The truth is that I was very happy with him and had no plans to break up with him. I just wanted to define the relationship. I have never regretted a decision this much in my life.