DID I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
DID I MAKE THE RIGHT DECISION???
6
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 1:08pm

Hi there,

I'm new to posting here in iVillage. So go easy on me :oq

I want to know if you think I made the right decision.

I decided to take a break from my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years. He's a wonderful man. He cherishes me, is completely devoted, faithful and loving. The only thing is I feel like he's not stepping up to the plate.

He lacks in communication. It's hard for him to express his feelings and sometimes I feel like its pulling teeth. We've been together for a long time and you'd figure that by this time he would know how to communicate with me. He's the quiet shy type.

Another thing is his finances. He's been struggling lately. He recently got a new job and he's saving up for a down payment for his car. Whenever we go somewhere I'm the one driving him around. My family and friends doesn't think that he's the right guy for me. They feel like he's not worthy of me. The thing is... whenever we go out to dinner or do something I always have to foot the bill. Don't get me wrong. It's 2007 a woman can pay her own way. That's the type of person I am. But I feel like I'm the one wearing the pants in the relationship and he's not taking any strides to meet me in the middle-- where we can both wear the pants.

I feel like I spoil him and I don't give him the opportunity to show that he can be a real man. Whenever his bills are late... I take care of it. I feel like I'm the one who is always catching him when he falls. I don't want him to use me as a crutch.

The thing is this: This is the first time the both of us have been a serious and deep loving relationship. My boyfriend never had a girlfriend take care of him and pay attention to him the way I do. Then I come along and I change his perspective on what love is. And the same goes for me. It's not an issue of LOVE. It's there. I love him very much. But is love enough? When we live in the real world outside the fairy tale ending? Is love enough when there are bills to pay or when there's family and friends who disagree? Is love enough to carry a relationship?

I want to give him a chance to prove to me and to everyone that he can be a man and meet me in the middle. I don't want to row this boat by myself. I want him there with me-- paddling to shore. And right now it's not that way. I am the one carrying this relationship.

SO>> do you think I made the right choice? Oh by the way its day two of our breakup. Be gentle on me iVillage.

~AznSiren

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 2:20pm

Welcome to the board aznsiren,


Did you tell your bf what you felt was wrong before the break and give him a chance to fix it? Have you set some ground rules for the break and a time for when you will get back together?

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 2:43pm

Yes I did. We had a long discussion. I felt like we need time apart so he can learn not to use me as a crutch. We've decided to take an indefinite break. We're really giving each other space. So we won't be calling each other. But knowing him he'll probably reach out to me or write to me.

I did give him a chance. But every time I've been let down. I think space is really what I need right now. I need to clear my head from this. Let him think over his issues. If its meant to be then it will be. But its not for me to decide the type of man he's supposed to become. I think this space will be good for the both of us... it'll give us time to do our seperate soul searching.

Thanks for your reply cl-ctara19811.

I appreciate any advice. Thanks for welcoming me to ivillage. Everyone so far has been good about the advice they've been giving me. I'm glad I found you guys!! Some were a bit harsh but hey-- I take it with a grain of salt.

Thanks again.

~AznSiren

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2007
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 3:10pm

maybe i'll come out on the harsh side, then again, maybe not:

you broke up with him because he is not the right guy for you. if he was, you'd be happy with him and know that he is and will always be the right man for you. you don't. you don't trust he ever will be.

let him go all the way....don't keep him dangling that he can someone how change into who you (and/or family and friends) want him to be. what are his good qualities? is he a good man?

a little story for you too....i know this man and have for years. when he was younger he was in a situation like you describe. he had a girlfriend and they loved each other very much...first love type of love. she experienced the type of uncertainty as well as questioning why she was with him. he didn't have job and wasn't looking. yea, he was in school and did sports, but he didn't have money and didn't seem to have any desire to change that situation. her family and friends pressured her to drop the 'loser' that wasn't good enough for her. she did and looks back now knowing that was the biggest mistake in her life. she married someone else (with a job!) and is still married to him almost 20 years later. three kids too. yet, 20 years later that guy with the job still has the same contruction type jobs...most of the time anyway. the guy she dumped finished school and is now worth millions. a good man too that does good things for others and his community. about as good a human being as you could ever know. although, so is her husband, in spite of the fact she now makes much more than he does (when he is working). and in spite of the fact she is the primary breadwinner in the family. yet she isn't happy with him either, because of what he doesn't have and how he is unable to 'meet her needs', as she says.

i don't know what the point is except to say that some people are never happy and will always look to run from one situation in hopes that the next situation is better. so they end up trading one perceived negative situation for the next. and some people are always happy with what they have, not unhappy because of what they don't have. some people work to improve their life and others have no motivation to do so. + we never know what the future holds for us. sometimes a fresh start is just what we need and other times we aren't strong enough to stick with something that just deserves more time.

only you can answer your question and understand what this is all about for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 3:18pm

aznsiren,


You are happy with your decision, and I think you made the right one. He does need to learn to be more responsible for himself. He will never learn to do that if you are always there to pick up after him, etc. Hopefully, this will be good for him and you will end up back together.


Best of luck.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-11-2003
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 3:44pm

Hi,

My 2 cents is this....it's good you are taking the time to stand on your own. The fact that you are the one who is always taking care of him will just continue on and on. He has to stand up and be a man. Relationships should be a give and take situation, two way street. He needs to be there for you, the same way you have been there for him. You can't do it all alone.

Let me give you a little look into what could be your future. I married an immature, irresponsible man that I had hoped would grow up and stand on his own two feet and be an equal in our relationship. Well, that never happened....I consider him my 5th child. Yes, we had 4 kids together and this man only contributes financially....which is great but we need so much more. He hates to communicate...takes too much effort. If there is a problem with ANYTHING....I have to deal with it. He does not cook, clean, take care of the kids or do anything around the house. I write out all the bills, obtain all insurances and household needs, take the kids to the doctors/dentist etc. If the car needs to be fixed....I have to deal with it, if I get sick....I have to bring all 4 kids to the doctors with me. He won't even help me around the house when I am sick. I can go on and on, but I think I have painted a colorful enough picture.

Take this time for yourself to decide if this is something that can truly work. Let him show you that he can give you what you give him 100% anything less would not be fair to you. I wish you the best. Kristine

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-08-2006
Wed, 07-18-2007 - 4:24pm

Hi leavehimnow,

Thank so much for your reply. It was a very touching story. To answer you question YES he is a good man. And is is my first true love. He's the most loving, caring and sensitive man you can meet. The type of guy who trips over me.

I know you probably think that it's a cruel thing to do to make him change into what I define as "The perfect boyfriend". You see but I'm not doing that. I know he is a good man. I believe in all the potential he has in him to be the man that he's meant to be. I think the problem is me. I'm not giving that chance to really find that out for himself. I don't want to tell him to be-- "THIS MAN" I want him to know for himself what he is capbable of.

The problem is ME-- leavehimnow--- I think I'm babying him too much. He needs to know how to stand up and be a man!

I hope that clears thing up. Thank you so much for your reply. Your story is truly touching. And if its any concellation-- I haven't given up hope for us. Maybe there is still a chance for us. But right now space is the only thing I can think of to clear the air.

Thanks!

~AznSiren