Did I Make The Right Decision?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-17-2004
Did I Make The Right Decision?
4
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 6:42pm
I have a guy friend that I am really crazy about. We have lots in common and I love being around him. A few months ago, I confessed to him that I had feelings for him. Ever since then he has been acting really distant. I really want to keep him as a friend but I am tired of trying to keep up a friendship that may or may not be there. He told me that part of him being distant is because he feels like I am going to want more from him than he is willing to give. And that he feels responsible for my emotional well being and he doesn't want that responsiblity. What exactly does that mean? I just want my friend back. The other day I had the final straw and emailed him a letter. I told him that I can't keep pretending that there is a friendship between us when he acts like there isn't. That I want to stay friends but that I need to let go because I feel like he isn't going to get over me telling him that I had feelings for him and just be friends. I don't want to totally give up on him but what more can I do? Did I make the right decision in letting him know that I can't continue like this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-10-2003
Thu, 03-25-2004 - 8:44pm
Wow that brings me back. I have so been there and guys are so dumb about that. Just because you confess that you have a crush on them doens't mean your going to try to jump them or something right? Geez, what he needs to be told is for him to get over himself that you just have a crush and you can contain yourself from jumping his hot studly bod. Maybe if you make a joke of it, which is what I ended up doing because it's the only way his head would shrink enough for him to act normal around me again.

What's really cool though is if you flirt with some other guy in front of him a lot and then he realizes that he's not number one anymore. That started other issues for me because then he got jealous and wasn't really sure why he was jealous. So I would just stick with the whole joke with him about it. We all get crushes and we also get over them.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 7:58am
Any action you to for the sake of being true to yourself is always a right decision. Part of taking responsibilty for your life is learning to practice the art of self-preservation.

I think he just meant that he didn't feel the same way and has issues with commitment...we've all heard this song and dance before.

It's hard to put yourself out there, and even harder when you don't get the reaction you are hoping for. You don't necessarily have to give up on your friendship, but you definitely need some space. I'd cool all of your communication for now, even "friendly" communication. Men don't respond well to feeling smothered and you run the risk of making him feel that way by pursuing comnversation with him at this point. Also, you have to remember that he was probably a bit surprised by your revelation. That revelation has changed the dynamic of your friendship. What is adds up to is that it is going to take some time for things to feel "normal" again between you two. Give him some space for now and try to talk to him again at a later date. Doing anything else now I think would endanger your chances of salvaging a friendship, not to mention your sanity. The space will help you get over your friend, or at least put the crush in perspective. I know it sounds impossible, but you can do this.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 9:31am

Yes you did. You've behaved in an adult and mature way throughout this. The one who has the problem here is your friend. Clearly, he is afraid of intimacy and becoming closer. To him it means taking on responsibility for your life. This is His misunderstanding, not yours. You haven't done anything to cause it. It is something he needs to work through. There is nothing you can do to change this either, because the confusion exists within him. Sooner or later, he may have to face it and work it through. But when and if that happens is all up to him, and has to do with his life and not yours. There is really nothing further you can do here except to be honest with him and yourself. Then it does become necessary to let go of a relationship, if the other person is not participating in it with you. Don't take this personally. This problem arose from his fear.


Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 03-26-2004 - 12:07pm
I'm going to chip in with a different opinion here.

::He told me that part of him being distant is because he feels like I am going to want more from him than he is willing to give. And that he feels responsible for my emotional well being and he doesn't want that responsiblity. What exactly does that mean?

That means that he doesn't feel anything more than friendship, but KNOWS you feel differently. Personally, I think you have a smart man here. He knows he can't be in a romantic relationship with you and he knows that if he continues to be friends with you, you will always HOPE he might change his mind and want the same thing you want. He's saying it's not going to happen and he doesn't want to lead you on, feed you false hope.

Something to think about:

Friends to lovers: Crossing the line

Do you have the hots for a friend, neighbor or colleague? You're not alone.

A recent University of Indianapolis survey showed that 75 percent of men are attracted to a female friend, while about two-thirds of women feel a pull toward a male pal. More than half said they'd like to kiss their friend. Many want to have sex with their buddy.

If you're in a similar situation, you may be wondering if you should make a move — or look elsewhere for a little lovin'. Of course, if the object of your desire is married or otherwise attached, hands off! But if you're both available... hmmm.

We asked experts and singles for their opinions. Here's what they said:

1. Enjoy the friendship

Don't be too quick to ditch your platonic friendship. It can be a valuable and pressure-free way to gain the opposite sex's perspective, says Karla Erovick, author of Love to Date — Date to Love.

"I have been in several platonic relationships," she says. "They are a wonderful way to enjoy companionship without the romantic overtones."

2. Go for it

If you're just casual friends or have met only recently, you don't have much to lose by being blunt about your feelings. You may, however, have plenty to gain.

David, a Seattle writer, said the direct approach works for him. He remembers one occasion when he blurted out, "Would I be out of line if I kiss you?" Her reply? "No."

"If I felt something for a friend, I'd let her know," he says. "Sometimes the results have been good, sometimes they've been bad, but at least I haven't had to wonder, 'What if...?'"

3. Prepare for the worst

Of course, you could also get shot down. "I've professed my love and heard she only wants to be friends so often that I'm ready to tell the next woman, 'If you want a friend, get a sheep dog,'" David says.

4. Go slower with best buds

If you are very close pals or long-time good friends, don't be too quick to make your move, suggests Noelle Nelson, author of Everyday Miracles and an Encino, California, therapist who specializes in relationships.

"Tread lightly," she says. "Once you declare a romantic interest, you bring in an entirely new element, which can be scary to the other partner. And if the other person freaks out, you could lose your friend."

5. What's the friendship worth?

If you start dating and later break up, well, your friendship is likely to fall apart too. That's what happened to Mary, a Los Angeles communications consultant. "I was embarrassed about the whole thing when it was over and haven't wanted to speak to the guy since," she says.

But Ron, a New York dot-com project manager who also dated a friend, has a slightly different take. "No regrets," he says. "I still have plenty of other great friends."


Carrie