Did I over react???What's going on????!!
Find a Conversation
| Sat, 03-20-2004 - 2:56pm |
I've posted here before about my problems with my bf. You guys were so helpful and very honest with me so I was really hoping you could all do the same for me now.I would really appreciate feedback because I feel like I'm losing my mind here.
Both of us stayed out of work yesterday. I called in "sick" and he decided to work from home which he can do whenever he wants.I left his house early in the day so that he could work and then we got back together at about 1pm for lunch. After lunch I dropped him off back home so that he could finish working and I could run errands. He called about 6:30pm to tell me that he was done with work and that he wanted us to have dinner. I went over to his house and he started showing me some art work online(we collect art). So he was showing me a new piece he wanted to buy. In between looking at art work we were also trying to figure out what we would eat for dinner. He said that it was all up to me. He said that we could go out or make dinner because he had been grocery shopping the day before and had a lot of food. After thinking about it a min. I said let's just go out and it's my treat. He said no, I don't want to go out. Let's just stay here and make dinner. I said ok but he still wanted to go out and get a movie to watch. Well, a couple of min. later we were still looking at the art website and taking a break from the whole dinner options thing but in the meantime we were still kind of picking on eachother and making jokes about how indecisive the other was being.
Well, he was sitting on a stool in the kitchen and I was standing next to him looking over his shoulder at the computer and I happened to look down at his head and saw that it was flaking(dandruff) really bad. Mind you, about a week ago I gave him some herbal shampoo from the company Iwork for and he said he really liked it but only used it once. So seeing the dandruff I said hey, are you using the shampoo? And he didn't answer but instead made a comment that they should make a toe jam shapmoo for me(totally joking)and we both laughed histerically. I said no, really the reason I asked is because you're flaking a lot and I can see it on your shirt. He then made another crack about me by saying well, do you have dandruff down there(referencing my pubic area)? I laughed a little and said "I don't know, you tell me. You would know better than me". Then I asked him if I had dandruff there and he laughed and said "Whatever, why don't you ask your friend Tia if you have dandruff down there." I said "huh?"(I'm a tad slow in my thinking at times I guess)I told him that what he said made no sense and that he messed up the joke but I still had a smile on my face because I really didn't grasp what he was saying. It just seemed dumb to me. He then said "No, it's not dumb" and told me to think about it. He started talking about how he knew the first time that he met her that she was a little "butch" as he called it. He aslo went on to make comments insinuating that she and I had sex and he said that he just wonders which of us played the woman and which one played the man. The whole time I'm standing and looking at him dumbfounded. I had no idea why he was saying that. Then he said yeah, I guess that was your little summer fling last year. I couldn't believe my ears. I had never heard him make any sort of references to my friend being masculine in any way or even asking if she were gay. It just wasn't so. Nor had we ever ever ever had any discussions at all about me and another woman or anything remotely like that.
After what he said I told him that I had nothing else to say and I turned my back to him. He then said that it was just a joke. I told him that I knew it wasn't a joke because we never joke that way and if i ever made that same comment about he and his male best friend all hell would break loose. He said no it wouldn't because he wouldn't care but I know that's not true because he has serious problems when his masculinity is in question so I know for a fact that had I said the same thing to him there would have been hell to pay and he wold have never let me get over it. I asked him why he would say something like that and again he said that it was a joke. I told him that I didn't find it funny and he said "well don't laugh then". I said "So you think you can just say whatever you want and that's it?" and he said "yes because it's a free country and I can say whatever I want" Then he said that the next time I wanted to "Punk"(intimidate) someone that I had better go and find my little brother. I guess he was saying that because my tone was pretty harsh when I told him that I didn't like what he said.He then walked out of the kitchen. I had no clue what else to say at that point. It was like he completely disregarded my feelings and like he didn't know me at all when he said what he said. Icouldn't believe it. I stood there for a sec. then I just went upstairs to his bedroom and collected all of my belongings. I told him that I didn't want to speak to him anymore and I walked out. Later after I had cooled off a bit I came back to his house. I told him that I really wanted to know why he said what he said to me. He said that he wasn't going to talk about it and that he was going to bed.He told me that he wanted me to leave because he was tired and didn't want to talk. I told him no that I wasn't leaving until he told me why he said what he said and then stood on it by not apologizing or anything. He said it was a joke and if I didn't want to speak to him anymore then fine. He was still very oblivious to my point. He continued to say that he wasn't going to talk about it anymore and that I could go home. I left and haven't spoekn to him since. The reason this bothers me so much is because we've been together for almost 2 years and I really thought that he knew me. He tends to be very secretive and private and kinda doesn't show me who he truely is but I've never had any problems with showing myself to him and completely letting him into my life. Therefore, it really upsets me that he coupld really be thinking that Ihad some sort of sexual relationship with one of my closest friends.
This is a girl whom I met last summer. He and I broke up for about 4 months last May and I met her in June at a part time job I picked up at a restaurant so that I wouldn't have so much time to think about him. Well, she and I hit it off really well and had a lot in common. We started hanging out all of the time. He and I got back together in August and talked about how our summer had gone etc. I told him about my new job and all of my new friends I met there namely Tia. About a month or so later I even took him to the restaurant to that he could meet everyone. I just can't figure this one out to save my life. I don't even really talk about this girl too much because she and I are both so busy since things have changed so much i.e we had more time to hang out in the summer.I'm so upset and so hurt that he did what he did. I don't know what I should do now. A friend said that bf is probably jealous and probably was all along of this girl because I wasn't with him at the time and wasn't accepting his calls and maybe he feels like it's all because I was hanging out so much with this girl. Now he's trying to turn it into something bad by making it seem like there was more to it than friendship.My guy friend says that he thinks bf really thinks that this is true in some way, otherwise he wouldn't have said it. In a way I agree but I don't understand because if he really believes it then he and I got back together in August so why is he saying this now??? Also why is he choosing her? I have other female friends. I have ones that I speak to every single day. I hardly ever mention Tia to him because I haven't seen her since summer and we chat one a week on the phone maybe. He's been around when I've spoken to her on the phone and I always say Tia says hi and then he says oh tell her i said hello. Man, I just don't get it! I feel like these couple of years have been a waste with him because he obviously doesn't know me at all. Is that really it? I want to call him and demand we talk but that'll never work with him. I'm so hurt and so confused. What could this be about??? Please help!!!
Shay
p.s a little history on Tia... there's nothing "butch" about her whatsoever. To be honest she looks like Halle Berry only taller and is extremely feminine. She models and always has a bf or is dating a guy. I know that none of that should matter but i'm showing that he was completely off base and it almost seems like he was just trying to find a way to hurt me for some reason.Does this make sense at all????

Pages
I really need some help today. I've been with my bf for almost 2 years now and we've had our share of probs. in the past and as a result of him cheating on me in the past and some other things that happened between us before I have some insecurities in our relationship. I realize this and for the most part I try not to let them overtake me or come between us in a big way. Mostly I try to express my feelings to him and tell him things that are important to me in hopes that he'll understand and try to help.
Well, I don't ask for a whole lot from him or anyone but throughout our entire relationship one thing that I've been consistant about is wanting to speak to him at night. It's something that has always been a thing for us to speak on the phone every night. There were times in our relationship in the past where he didn't call at night but those were mainly times when he was doing things that were not conducive to our relationship. He's always been good about it and our relationship has been good for the most part. We talk everyday on the phone. He calls me at work and or i call him and he emails me everyday at work and then we usually speak on the phone(if i'm not at his house) at night before going to bed. This week there were a couple of times where he didn't call me at night even when he specifically said I'll give you a call tonight. The first time was Sunday, we had gone to dinner and then he brought me back home around 9. He said that he would give me a call later that night but he didn't. I called him around 11 and he didn't answer. I spoke to him the next day and he said that he fell asleep. I told him that I really liked to speak to him at night and that it really bothered me that he said he would call and did not and he said that he was sorry and that he would call next time. The same thing happened again the next day and he said that he was reading and lost track of time and then he went to sleep. I expressed to him again that I wanted to hear from him at night and he said ok.
Yesterday I spoke to him at work and he said he was going to play basketball after work and that he would call me later. I went out to dinner with my best friend and came home around 10pm. Bf had not called me at home nor had he called my cell phone. He never called lastnight and I called him but he did not answer. I called him this morning and I was very upset. I asked what was the problem and why he couldn't call me lastnight and he said that he left his cell phone in the car and didn't feel like going to get it. I just really don't feel like that's legit. Why should it be acceptable that even though I told him how I felt about it he still didn't see a need to do it. I just don't find excuses "I fell asleep", "I was reading" and "my phone was in the car and i didn't feel like going to get it as acceptable reasons for not calling your gf after she expressed to you that she likes to hear from you at night. I don't put unfair or unrealistic demands on him or make him wine and dine me or do extraordinary things for me all the time I just like to be called at night. Especially when he makes it a point(like he always does) to say that he will call. He got really upset today and said he shouldn't have to go to his car and get his phone at night if he doesn't feel like it because he's tired etc. He started talking about how he gets hassled at work for this and that and how his mom complains that he doesn't call her enough so if he doesn't break his neck to call her why should he break his neck to call me. He also said that he's not gonna be a slave to his phone and he started talking about how i can't make him call and going on and on about how he's not a slave and he doesn't have to check in with me etc. He was really upset and started yelling on the phone(like he often does when we're in dispute about something). It makes me think that he starts yelling and becomming irate to take my attention away from the subject and to make me feel like i'm really wrong in whatever situation we're argueing about. He'll even start yelling when he's not certain whether he's right or not. He'll yell like crazy and even make me cry then later he'll realize that he was not correct about the subject or the dispute and then he'll apologize but still his attitude about it hurts. Please tell me if I'm wrong about this because if Iam I will apologize to him asap but he really doesn't understand where I'm coming from. Why is it such a hassled for him to ring my phone at night even if it's just to say goodnight to me? He's done it in the past. Why does he see it as me trying to make him do things and why is he relating it to stresses at work. Why wouldn't he just want to call? Am I being unreasonable? Please tell me. Do I owe him an apology for asking him why he didn't all this morning and for not being satisfied with the answer of "My phone was in the car and I didn't feel like going to get it". To me that says a lot about how he values me and our relationship. Is this not true?
I thought about what you wrote and while there might be something to it(still not sure)I don't think that's really it at all. Everyone finds Tia attractive so I never thought that he would be different but while he has a host of bad qualities he's not really into getting envolved in any way with friends of girlfriends etc. He's generally very private and for some reason is a bit self conscious about his masculinity. I think that's because he was picked on a lot growing up and even as he got into his teens and early twenties he lost girlfriends because they didn't think that he was "Macho" enough and they started dating I guess more masculine guys. Bf has a very soft voice and is about 6'3 and 213 pds but he still has these hang ups. Anyway, I could see if he talked about her a lot or encouraged me to hang out with her more or something like that but nothing. I've never gotten any indication that he was interested in her like that. He's only met her one time and even then it was dark in the restaurant and she didn't come around our table much at all.Also, when he said what he said it was completely directed toward me. Not insinuating at all that he would be interested in a threesome taking place(even jokingly). He actually outright said that he thinks we had a sexual relationship during the summer and that she was my summer fling(although he said it was a joke). It was like he was saying it to get me back for something I said but the thing is that I didn't say anything. I still have no clue. I don't even know what I should say if I spoke to him again.One of my friends said that I over reacted by leaving the house.In a way I think that's true but I had no idea what to say to him. I felt betrayed and hurt by him.I just don't know what to make of this. I really need help with this.........
I guess if I were you I would be careful to explain to him what your intentions/motives are behind your comments, etc. He may have good reason to suspect people's motives. I didn't take your comments about his dandruff as an attack on his masculinity, but if he's already feeling burnt about it, he might have. It's hard to deal with people who are hyper-sensitive, but if they apply their sensitivities towards others and not just themselves, it can be worthwhile. I remember your other post, now, and as I recall, he seems to be distrustful of people and as a result does things to make them uncertain about him. The rationale probably is, if they distrust me in this situation, what are they doing? I.e., what's good for the goose is good for the gander. You're probably going to have a lot of work to do with him: explaining yourself, making yourself absolutely clear in every situation, etc. However, that might not work. My SO brings-up the issues that bother me just enough to bug me, let me react and then we sort through the rubble. Let me tell you, I am lucky! It sounds like your bf is, too. Best wishes.
and that he started in on digs and making you feel bad...
then he shut you out and ignored you... he stonewalled you, leaving you frustrated and not understanding...
am i correct?
In essence that's what he did but the comment that was made about my friend and myself was made in the form of a joke but I really didn't find it funny at all. I was more upset with his blatant insensitivity to my being upset about the "joke" than I was about the "joke" itself. Personally, somewhere in his head I feel like he really thought that there was truth to what he was saying but when he saw that I didn't just blow it off he was taken back. I'm upset that when I expressed my feelings about what he said he didn't back down in the least or apologize since according to him it was a "joke". I'm also very angry that after two years of knowing me he was still able to form such an idea in his head about me and never let on to me that he had this idea or was thinking such things until now. I feel like our relationship has been for nothing because he obviously knows nothing about me if there is the slightest chance that he thinks any of what he said was the least bit true. I'm just sooo confused about this whole thing.
No, I didn't take offense to what you said at all. Actually a friend of mine suggested the same thing for a second then I reminded her a little bit more of his emotional background and his history of dealing with things and she too saw that maybe that wasn't the case afterall.I can totally confirm that yes he is extremely hypersensitive. Looking back, I do think that he thought my comment about his dandruff was an attack on his masculinity and his manhood. Although it absolutely was not. In general it's just as you said. I walk on eggshells and have to explain every little comment I make or thing that I do. If not he'll be updset about it even months later. It's also true that he is distrustful of people but the funny thing is that I've always been faithful to him. He's the one that cheated on me. Ever since then he questions everything that I do and say. A male friend of mine said after I told him that I got back together w/ bf in August that I should be careful because men can be very vendictive and that my bf is probably upset even though he wasn't saying anything about it at the time about me not being available when he was calling etc. during the summer. At that time I wasn't answering his calls because I felt really hurt by him and didn't want to hear from him at all because I knew it wasn't healthy for me. My friend also said that bf might be harboring a lot of anger due to that and is probably thinking that I was with someone else because ofcourse in his mind that would be the ONLY reason I wouldn't respond to his calls since I always had before. I have seen things(now included) that indicate to me tht there is a lot of truth to this theory.I still haven't spoken to bf and I don't want to call him. I don't even know what I would say if even he called me. I'm just really down about this whole situation. Bf is a big time manipulater too and right now he's making me feel as though I should be apologizing to him. My head is just filled with confusion. Overall I don't think that this is a healthy relationship. I just miss him so much though.Still I don't want to(once again) overlook the fact that he has hurt my feelings and ignore it just so that he can do it again at a later date. He never takes responsibility for hurting me yet if you mention his dandruff for god's sake he'll never let me forget it!
Yes I feel the disrespect from him and honestly as far as the cheating goes....I'm not sure what you mean about it being resolved. We discussed it several times and since August which is when we got back together I haven't had any problems as far as him and other women are conscerned. According to him he learned from his mistakes and doesn't want to go down that road again. Unfortunately, the cheating was oddly enough the least of our problems it seems. His other character traits are ones that I really have a hard time accepting and dealing with.There are times when I'm happy with him or I feel like I should be happy because he does a lot for me in many ways but truthfully I'm not happy. Emmotionally he gives me nothing. I hear that sometimes you have to accept the ways that people are able to love you. I just don't know to what extent that this is true. If someone is affectionate(only in ways that they are comfortable or in ways that they like and not you) and if they do nice things for you often and spend massive amounts of their time with you do you then overlook or try to do without the things that are important to you like hearing "I LOVE YOU", making plans for your future together,getting affection in the ways you like to recieve it,being held close at night, being able to express opinions without being verbally attacked and the list goes on.That's where I have trouble because I really want/need these things. The problem is that he makes me feel that they're not important and that I should just appreciate and praise what it is that he IS doing for me.
Any thoughts on this anyone?
Pages