Did I over react???What's going on????!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Did I over react???What's going on????!!
15
Sat, 03-20-2004 - 2:56pm
Hello All,

I've posted here before about my problems with my bf. You guys were so helpful and very honest with me so I was really hoping you could all do the same for me now.I would really appreciate feedback because I feel like I'm losing my mind here.

Both of us stayed out of work yesterday. I called in "sick" and he decided to work from home which he can do whenever he wants.I left his house early in the day so that he could work and then we got back together at about 1pm for lunch. After lunch I dropped him off back home so that he could finish working and I could run errands. He called about 6:30pm to tell me that he was done with work and that he wanted us to have dinner. I went over to his house and he started showing me some art work online(we collect art). So he was showing me a new piece he wanted to buy. In between looking at art work we were also trying to figure out what we would eat for dinner. He said that it was all up to me. He said that we could go out or make dinner because he had been grocery shopping the day before and had a lot of food. After thinking about it a min. I said let's just go out and it's my treat. He said no, I don't want to go out. Let's just stay here and make dinner. I said ok but he still wanted to go out and get a movie to watch. Well, a couple of min. later we were still looking at the art website and taking a break from the whole dinner options thing but in the meantime we were still kind of picking on eachother and making jokes about how indecisive the other was being.

Well, he was sitting on a stool in the kitchen and I was standing next to him looking over his shoulder at the computer and I happened to look down at his head and saw that it was flaking(dandruff) really bad. Mind you, about a week ago I gave him some herbal shampoo from the company Iwork for and he said he really liked it but only used it once. So seeing the dandruff I said hey, are you using the shampoo? And he didn't answer but instead made a comment that they should make a toe jam shapmoo for me(totally joking)and we both laughed histerically. I said no, really the reason I asked is because you're flaking a lot and I can see it on your shirt. He then made another crack about me by saying well, do you have dandruff down there(referencing my pubic area)? I laughed a little and said "I don't know, you tell me. You would know better than me". Then I asked him if I had dandruff there and he laughed and said "Whatever, why don't you ask your friend Tia if you have dandruff down there." I said "huh?"(I'm a tad slow in my thinking at times I guess)I told him that what he said made no sense and that he messed up the joke but I still had a smile on my face because I really didn't grasp what he was saying. It just seemed dumb to me. He then said "No, it's not dumb" and told me to think about it. He started talking about how he knew the first time that he met her that she was a little "butch" as he called it. He aslo went on to make comments insinuating that she and I had sex and he said that he just wonders which of us played the woman and which one played the man. The whole time I'm standing and looking at him dumbfounded. I had no idea why he was saying that. Then he said yeah, I guess that was your little summer fling last year. I couldn't believe my ears. I had never heard him make any sort of references to my friend being masculine in any way or even asking if she were gay. It just wasn't so. Nor had we ever ever ever had any discussions at all about me and another woman or anything remotely like that.

After what he said I told him that I had nothing else to say and I turned my back to him. He then said that it was just a joke. I told him that I knew it wasn't a joke because we never joke that way and if i ever made that same comment about he and his male best friend all hell would break loose. He said no it wouldn't because he wouldn't care but I know that's not true because he has serious problems when his masculinity is in question so I know for a fact that had I said the same thing to him there would have been hell to pay and he wold have never let me get over it. I asked him why he would say something like that and again he said that it was a joke. I told him that I didn't find it funny and he said "well don't laugh then". I said "So you think you can just say whatever you want and that's it?" and he said "yes because it's a free country and I can say whatever I want" Then he said that the next time I wanted to "Punk"(intimidate) someone that I had better go and find my little brother. I guess he was saying that because my tone was pretty harsh when I told him that I didn't like what he said.He then walked out of the kitchen. I had no clue what else to say at that point. It was like he completely disregarded my feelings and like he didn't know me at all when he said what he said. Icouldn't believe it. I stood there for a sec. then I just went upstairs to his bedroom and collected all of my belongings. I told him that I didn't want to speak to him anymore and I walked out. Later after I had cooled off a bit I came back to his house. I told him that I really wanted to know why he said what he said to me. He said that he wasn't going to talk about it and that he was going to bed.He told me that he wanted me to leave because he was tired and didn't want to talk. I told him no that I wasn't leaving until he told me why he said what he said and then stood on it by not apologizing or anything. He said it was a joke and if I didn't want to speak to him anymore then fine. He was still very oblivious to my point. He continued to say that he wasn't going to talk about it anymore and that I could go home. I left and haven't spoekn to him since. The reason this bothers me so much is because we've been together for almost 2 years and I really thought that he knew me. He tends to be very secretive and private and kinda doesn't show me who he truely is but I've never had any problems with showing myself to him and completely letting him into my life. Therefore, it really upsets me that he coupld really be thinking that Ihad some sort of sexual relationship with one of my closest friends.

This is a girl whom I met last summer. He and I broke up for about 4 months last May and I met her in June at a part time job I picked up at a restaurant so that I wouldn't have so much time to think about him. Well, she and I hit it off really well and had a lot in common. We started hanging out all of the time. He and I got back together in August and talked about how our summer had gone etc. I told him about my new job and all of my new friends I met there namely Tia. About a month or so later I even took him to the restaurant to that he could meet everyone. I just can't figure this one out to save my life. I don't even really talk about this girl too much because she and I are both so busy since things have changed so much i.e we had more time to hang out in the summer.I'm so upset and so hurt that he did what he did. I don't know what I should do now. A friend said that bf is probably jealous and probably was all along of this girl because I wasn't with him at the time and wasn't accepting his calls and maybe he feels like it's all because I was hanging out so much with this girl. Now he's trying to turn it into something bad by making it seem like there was more to it than friendship.My guy friend says that he thinks bf really thinks that this is true in some way, otherwise he wouldn't have said it. In a way I agree but I don't understand because if he really believes it then he and I got back together in August so why is he saying this now??? Also why is he choosing her? I have other female friends. I have ones that I speak to every single day. I hardly ever mention Tia to him because I haven't seen her since summer and we chat one a week on the phone maybe. He's been around when I've spoken to her on the phone and I always say Tia says hi and then he says oh tell her i said hello. Man, I just don't get it! I feel like these couple of years have been a waste with him because he obviously doesn't know me at all. Is that really it? I want to call him and demand we talk but that'll never work with him. I'm so hurt and so confused. What could this be about??? Please help!!!

Shay

p.s a little history on Tia... there's nothing "butch" about her whatsoever. To be honest she looks like Halle Berry only taller and is extremely feminine. She models and always has a bf or is dating a guy. I know that none of that should matter but i'm showing that he was completely off base and it almost seems like he was just trying to find a way to hurt me for some reason.Does this make sense at all????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:06pm
It seems to me that you need to make a list of what is important to you in a mate. Affection, good communication, no abuse, says 'I love you', willing to discuss future or whatever it is. There should be qualities that are non-negotiable and those that are. What are you willing to overlook because of you love for that person and what are you not?

'but truthfully I'm not happy.'

Then why put up with any of these traits?

'I hear that sometimes you have to accept the ways that people are able to love you. I just don't know to what extent that this is true.'

If you think about it, that is true of everyone. Each person loves and shows love in a differrent way, right? If you are happy but things aren't perfect (maybe they don't say 'I love you' as often as you do or aren't into public displays of affection as much as you then it can be overlooked or worked with if they are willing to change or yo uare willing ot acccept it. But if that person gives you nothing emotionally, as you say then why accept it? Why continue a relationship with this person who has also cheated on you in the past.

'I really want/need these things. The problem is that he makes me feel that they're not important'

So he manipulates you into thinking that his behavior is fine and that your needs aren't important.

'and that I should just appreciate and praise what it is that he IS doing for me.'

I agree that praise works wonders. But when the negative outweighs the positive that he does (verbal abuse) why even work on praise. Why not leave if you are unhappy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:46pm
Gina, at this point I kinda feel like our relationship is just irreversably screwed up. I feel like everything I say or do has been manipulated, misread,and misdirected to suit whatever it is that he needs it to at a given time. I also feel that he is really not going to change his behavior with me because in his eyes he really doesn't feel like he's wrong at all and if he does he doesn't let me know.He always says that I'm the one with the problems and not him. At this point we haven't spoken since friday and I don't think that we will any time soon if at all. I really feel that it is over between he and I. On one hand I feel a sense of relief and on the other it just hurts because I do love him. I really don't want to be in the relationship anymore with him though because it has proven to be unhealthy for me in many ways.There has been too much hurt and too much pain and too many lies and too much negativity. I just wish I didn't feel like such a failure and there was an easier way for me to get past this and get on with my life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-01-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 2:51pm
im glad you see what your life should be about and this is not it. move on and find someone better, or yet, find yourself and make your own happiness. im going through the same thing... my ex of 9 and half months, my first real love, etc. i just broke up with him over the weekend b/c he wasn't sure if he wanted this relationship (aka. not ready for commitment or just confusion) so it's cost me so much pain and grief. i finally decided to move on and NOT wait for him to figure his stuff out. i support your decision. good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:01pm
Thank you Melody! I really appreciate the support! I'm really happy for you that you decided to let go earlier in your relationship than i did. You're so lucky to have the insight into your life and your needs that you have and you didn't let his uncertainty and confusion become yours. That is so very admirable and I only wish that I had done the same. The only thing that I can do from this point on is move on with my life and not slip back into the same mess that I'm just now getting out of. It's always been so easy for me to go back to him in the past but everything is different now and I thank God that I feel differently now.I wish you nothing but happiness and true love in your life Melody:)

Thanks again,

Shay

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Tue, 03-23-2004 - 7:30pm
Hi sassy,

I wanted to get back sooner but I needed some time to digest one of your last messages. I support you decision to end the relationship for good. I think his "joking" was petty and mean-spirited. Sometimes jokes hurt the most. Also, if he only wants to give you what he wants to give you, instead of what you say you want, I think that's just an excuse on his part. I think the definition of love is wanting to help the other obtain happiness. He should be enjoy learning what you like and want to respond. There's something wrong if he doesn't.

I think the list of what you want in a relationship is completely reasonable and obtainable. It may not exactly be easy to find, but it's definitely worth the search. When I look at many people, it's obvious to me why they're not happy. They flit from one thing to the next generally discontented with everything. It only follows that they would be dissatisfied and dissatisfactory in their relationship(s). We need to be very discerning going into a relationship.

I think you do have a hard time giving-up on this guy even though he's only partly what you want. It's hard when we've been involved with someone for awhile. I guess I would suggest investing yourself somewhere else, community organization or something. "Where your treasure is, there you heart will be also." You've invested a lot of yourself into this guy and it doesn't sound like you've gotten much in return, less and less as time goes on. It's hard. They say the most powerful psychological tool is intermittent reinforcement. Sometimes, he's probably really good, but most of the time, he's probably not. It can become like an addiction to try to get back what seems to have gotten lost somehow, blaming ourselves. However, some people are like an emotional desert, there are very few happy "oasises" to look back on. If this is him, don't give him any more and try to be thankful you were able to get out. I didn't get out until my ex had abused me and my children. Take it from me, it's just not worth it. Best wishes!

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