Did I overreact?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Did I overreact?
3
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 9:27am

Hi all,

This morning my man and I were watching the news and there was a story that made my bf angry. He started ranting about how he wanted to find a "white man advocacy group" because white men in this county (US) have no rights, minorities and women can rant and rave about anything and they get on the news, but if he were to complain, nobody would listen. I jokingly said something like "sure there is a white man's advocacy group- probably like the KKK or something."(in retrospect not the best thing to say, I realize that now).
Then he starts going off and calling all these minority groups VERY racist,bad names if you get my drift (n*****, s***, etc). He was ranting and raving about how white men have no say and he wants to find a group that will stand up for his rights against all these "minorities". I told him he needed to calm down, that white men in this country have way more rights then anyone else (I brought up the wage discrepancy between men and women, he told me that was bull), etc.
I finally told him that he was a bigot. Well then he totally went off on me, yelling and waving his arms around. I told him, "look if you don't like getting the label then you need to think about changing the way you think about people that are different than you. You think like a racist a lot. Why do you think that you have a right to call a total stranger a racist name, but I can't call you on it and tell you I think that you are a bigot?"
He told me that I was way out of line, but in some ways I don't feel like I am totally in the wrong here. He is a very prejudice,intolerant man and there are sometime when it just bugs me. And quite frankly, I got pretty pissed off. Why should he be able to say and think whatever he wants and not be expected to be called on it, it feels hypocritical (I hate hypocrisy!). I feel like if he doesn't like being called a bigot then he shouldn't call other people racist, derogatory names.
Did I overract and should I apologize or let it ride?
Thanks!

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 9:48am

Ok, I'll try to be objective and put my personal feelings aside, since I would not choose life with a racist/bigot/whathaveyou.

I don't think you need to apologize for your opinion, but your delivery was very accusatory. YOU are a bigot. YOU need to change your ways. By starting your sentences with the word "YOU", you will be automatically putting him on the defensive, no matter your position.

If this truly bothers you, try sitting down with him at a time when he is not so emotionally charged, and discuss how YOU feel, not what HE needs to do and that HE is a bigot, etc.

Try something like this "honey, it's important to me that we be able to have healthy debates. However, when you get very emotional about race issues, I feel uncomfortable. Since my beliefs differ so greatly from yours and we tend to get a bit emotionally fired up when we discuss this one topic, perhaps we can reach an agreement. Perhaps I can stop calling you a bigot. It would also make me very happy if you could keep the racial slurs to a minimum when I'm around. Maybe we should also choose different topics to discuss and debate, so that our relationship doesn't suffer from arguing".

Use your own words, your own issues, but put it from an "I" position rather than a "you" position. This might help a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-12-2007
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 9:59am
I have tried all that in the past, trust me I have been very patient with his outbursts in the past. I have had the calm conversations where I said things like " It does bother me thar you choose to use racial slurs. I would like it if you wouldn't do that, this could be something that we can work on together, there are a lot of resources out there, I feel...etc. etc". He doesn't listen nad I don't think he really cares that it bothers me or not.
I think that this morning I had just had enough with the whole thing. I get tired of feeling like he thinks he has the right to spout off, rant ,rave, etc. and I should just sit there and either agree with him or say nothing. When I go off (not on racial stuff, but just other daily rants..traffic, telemarketers, dailt life stress, etc.) he tells me that I am too emotional, that I have issues and I should go get some drugs from my doctor!
I guess the reason why I said what I said this morning is because I often feel that he "picks" on me (makes cracks about my weight gain, calls me weak, teases me about my issues, etc.) and when I speak up and stand up for myself he gets mad and stalks off in a huff. Sigh. It is so exhausting.
I have recently come to the conclusion that this is possibly a toxic relationship?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Thu, 03-15-2007 - 10:10am

I was married to a bigot for years and never said anything because I loved him and I thought that by being patient with him, I could help him change his thinking. I also thought it would just be best if i kept my mouth shut (I was very young and naive back then ;) )

Eventually, I got tired of his rants, his racist opinions, his prejudices, etc. Because I had kept my mouth shut the first time, and the second time, it all got easier for him to say and act out. I grew resentful, and tried to talk to him about it, but by then we'd fallen into the routine. I finally became disgusted with his views and even though we divorced for other reasons, let's just say this was one of the many reasons why I'm happy I'm no longer with him.

So, speak your mind, do not devalue your own opinions on the matter. Don't go against yourself in your views and in your conduct. You will build up resentment towards yourself and take it out on him. Give him time to simmer and think about how this affects you and your relationship. If his possibly-racist views are more important to him than you are, it's best to know now, if they aren't, he'll see it's better for him to change his mind to make it more open and accepting.

I would say don't apologize in this particular instance. Maybe ONLY for the 'bigot' part, because that is kind of harsh, however, if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck....... he needs to understand how that kind of tirade comes across, maybe it'll help him choose better ways and words to express himself. It's VERY possible he does not mean to come across as "superior" to others. Even as a Hispanic woman I can understand his frustration, but stooping to the use of derogatory names, etc., not only discredits his views and kills his credibility, but it makes him sound ignorant and uneducated. Not to mention, it's unattractive to the point of being stomach-turning.

It's important to find out NOW what his social views are, if they don't line up with yours and won't in the future, it's best to act on that. Some people may say it's not that big of a deal, but believe me when I tell you it is that big of a deal if it's important to you and it WILL affect your relationship with him. Align yourself with your values. He has a right to his too, but your values should line up together in order for both of you to be happy.

Best,

~~.: Sandra :.~~

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