Differences in communication
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Differences in communication
| Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:49pm |
My gal in another state and I have been committed for some 8 months, we have much in common but here is the issue. My former significant relationships (years back) involved cheating

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We have had ongoing talks
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Well for one thing YOU aren't married to her so that has no baring on your situation.
She has only been divorced 9 months...you have been in a committed relationship for 8? Does that mean she was still married to the controlling husband when you started dating? If so, then you are asking to be hurt. Most people need time to heal after a divorce/relationship (regardless of how bad it was) before getting involved with someone, she hasn't had that time before jumping into something with you. That doesn't bode well for a relationship.
I can understand where she is coming from, I was married for 12 years to a very controlling man, and yes you do sound controlling. You have told her your views on the subject, she has told you hers, if you can't come to a compromise then get out of the relationship. YOU can't mold her to what you want, either she is or she isn't. Her views aren't the same as yours doesn't make either one of you right/wrong just different. If you can't accept the differences and come to a compromise then get out.
Already a lot of good advice has been given so I won't offer much more but I can't help but think...
You probably haven't been in this relationship for very long and it seems like both of you are pushing each other's sensitive buttons. You seem controlling to her and she seems unconsiderate to you and selfish. This all makes for an insecure mess. There are probably more appropriate partners for each of you. I know you seem like you want to heal yourself so leaving is probably not in your options currently. Although sometimes it's hard to heal when your current partner keeps opening your wounds up again, you might be better off with a girl who's more couple-oriented, more revealing of her leisure time. Then again, I can only congratulate you for wanting to improve and heal yourself. Good luck!
Em
charite,
While I think it's possible that my gal actually feels this way several replies now including yours
sassis,
So in this instance (sleep over) do you draw a distinction between being in a totally committed dating relationship and being married? We would never live together without getting married by the way.
Are you saying that
em450,
Actually we get along really well except on this one issue that has come up several times, beginning with her going slow dancing and other times when she has been going out with single friends.
You can feel whatever you want to. But she is entitled to her own feelings too, and you seem to almost be dismissive of them. Your questions sound like rhetoric. Pardon me if I'm wrong there but in a courtroom a question like this:
"Do you consider it controlling asking your partner if you have reason to believe they slept over at someone's house (whom you don't know) and if you ask them that one question, after the fact?"
...Would be considered "leading the witness". So I'm not going to take your bait.
I think you are being dismissive of her feelings when you say that "control" is a 60s mindset. But I do not think that this is about control, I think that this is about you wanting a closeness that turns her off. When you don't know what she's doing, you are powerless to say "I'm not cool with that". I'm not saying either of you is right or wrong, but often when people omit information it is because they do not wish to be scrutinized or criticized for it.
You two have VERY opposite "issues" - she needs to have a lot of freedom and independence in a relationship, and you need to have a closeness wherein you are both a part of what each other is doing. Your past involves a great deal of emotional abandonment (infidelity) and hers involves a great deal of too much closeness (tight control). I do not believe you are moving as slowly as you think. You are pulling forward (albeit gently) and she is pushing back. That's a natural partnership to have in the beginning of a relationship. But you may want to take some time and figure out on your own if a girl who wants this much independence and freedom to do what she likes, when she wants to, without telling you, is THE GIRL for you. I'm not convinced she is. Right now she's in a recessive state after a breakup with someone who made her miserable, so she's going to be rebelling against the old demands placed on her probably for some time. She has not healed from that relationship and I would venture to say that she is likely not a good candidate for a new one yet.
I don't see either of you as right or wrong. I would want to know if my boyfriend slept over someone's house, but we have also been together for 3.5 years, live together, and have built a very close relationship for a while now. It would be out of character for either of us to do something like that. It's an extremely different situation. But I think that you may want to try to find someone whose values more closely match yours, and who isn't currently nursing old wounds.
Pick up and read: Are You The One For Me? -Barbara DeAngelis
Though she is a woman, her book and her perspective do not have an obvious gender bias.
Edited 8/23/2008 11:29 am ET by eggbertshootsfire
Since you did ask everyone:
"Do you gals believe, in a committed relationship or married (for those of you who make great a distinction in this instance, I don't) that your partner/husband should not tell you things like if you slept over somewhere, is that not material information that you would like to know about?"
That should be discussed.
"Do you consider it controlling
eggbert,
You either misunderstood and or took some things out of context.
1. What did I say that led you to think that I'm being dismissive of her feelings? Frankly, I believe I consider her thoughts and feelings quite a lot.
2. Regarding the question that you quoted, that question was for this board. The exact way I asked her was "Did you sleep over?", that's it.
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