Differences in communication
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Differences in communication
| Thu, 08-21-2008 - 12:49pm |
My gal in another state and I have been committed for some 8 months, we have much in common but here is the issue. My former significant relationships (years back) involved cheating

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To address question 1): The desire to make a distinction between who is right and who is wrong is by nature dismissive. Neither of you are wrong, it's just a difference of opinion. You may not believe that you led her to feel controlled, and by that you are right; our reactions, emotional and otherwise, are our own responsibility and hers is due to her upbringing and experience. She is entitled to whatever reaction she needs to elicit from this dialogue that you had, since as you know there are no wrong "feelings" - and negative feelings are a tool that we develop over time in order to keep us from getting hurt. Her warning lights flashed when you asked her what was up, which may be UNREASONABLE for most people but to her, with her experience, it made sense.
I know a lot of people here are helping you to dwell on who is right, who is to blame, and what the most reasonable expectation is to have from one another. I don't think you need to figure out which one of you is most accurate, I think you need to move on and learn from this. Use this as an important tool to learn how to act toward her. Now you know she's very sensitive to questions, even if they are reasonable to you. I hope that you can try to get your point across and explain to her that you didn't mean anything by it, did not realize she was sensitive about the subject, and vow to move on from it. Before a year, year and a half into the relationship, you're still learning the bulk of someone's personality. This was an important exchange.
I don't want you to think that I don't believe you have similar religious beliefs, I'm just asking you to take a look at this particular value (her aversion to certain kinds of closeness and your need for it) and ask yourself if you can deal with the difference.
Two people who are healing from past experiences have a difficult road ahead, but not an impossible one. You will both have to be very tolerant and take things more slowly. I still think that she felt your question was a move toward a closeness that for her, is still an open wound. Now you'll know better for next time.
You make interesting observations eggbert, don't you believe one can have different opinions from one another without having to be dismissive of the other? Is it exactly, as you seem to believe about me, that
I'm not saying it isn't natural to try to decide who is right and wrong, but as you note there is gray area in this issue and I don't think trying to place blame is the right way to handle the situation. It's just insight into who she is.
I also don't want to dismiss the others' advice, as it is useful, and it's always helpful to look at an important event and use it as an opportunity to ask the question, "is this still good for me?"
I also want to note that for the VAST majority of women, when we want to talk about something or rant a little bit, we generally do not want to receive advice. We are almost always looking for just a listening ear and a little support. It's perfectly fine to ask, "do you want advice on this or do you want me to just listen?" (That may save you some trouble and she will appreciate your asking). Often we women take offense when a man, whose opinion is important and valued to us, thinks we're doing something wrong and criticizes us. I'm not saying that is necessarily the intent, to be critical, but some women are VERY sensitive to feeling criticized. It's always better to ask.
I basically
ok so im not so good at this loving but as a 44 yr old women with many and i do mean many relationships what i saw almost screamed sirens at me. Your girl is very fresh to the game again. 9 years? dang! To me thats like 15 men or close to it. She evidentely knows what monogamy means dude. So there you sit sweatin it which is cool. i get it. but she dont . The thing that stuck out to me was that she dint tell you about the sleepover cause she knew how you would over react. Can you see that this girl needs to be nurtured but not strangled? If this has to be a hard lesson for you i hope you get it honest and dont forget.....rebound relationships can work but is the work worth it in the endZ? Sorry for the brutal dude just bein me; God Bless.
MUCH LOVE TO YOU - SHERRY
girlgotgame,
cl, I don't get your post. Are you saying she feels shame or that I should be ashamed..?
I know with guilt comes shame and our parents generation were parented in this manner, please elaborate.
Great stuff Zaki,
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