Different beliefs

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
Different beliefs
7
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 9:43am
Hi!

I've always been religiously active and five years ago I married a man from same congregation. I thought we shared same believes and stuff, but he recently told me that he has thought things out and thinks now that there's no God and our religion is foolish and not good in anyway. Well, this make me feel really bad, and for starters I felt betrayed even and sad. (My first thought was - "this won't work out we will separate", but he's other wise really nice guy, good husband & father - )

To make things worse he keeps saying that even though he thinks it is okay that we believe differently and it's okay that I'm believing as before, that he hopes that I could see things he's way. (i.e. that my religion is trap to foolish and not reasonable at all) He would also want me not to teach any religious things to our child.

I'm feeling really baffled and don't know really to whom I should talk about it.

Thanks for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mirxu
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 10:14am
You talk to HIM.....first, it is not uncommon for people to differ on religious beliefs. It does create a difficulty, at times, in some situations and requires both people to be very "complete' as individuals so that this difference doesn't cause conflict.

My guy is agnostic....he doesn't believe in God in terms of Ruler of the Universe. Which is different than being an athestic and believing there is NO God.

I'm a preacher's daughter, with now a very seriously personally defined and adopted set of beliefs. We simply 'agree to disagree'. Mind you - there are things that I'd like to "share" with him that because we don't share a faith - aren't able to be shared, discussed and enjoyed.

Just as there are remarks he might like to make at times and in certain situations - that he refrains from in my presence because he does not want to disrespect my views. It's not that we'd get into an argument if he said what he wanted to say. It's in the situations where he's making fun of religion that he refrains from making overt statements.

However, we have wonderful religious discussions - because my beliefs about God are not "grounded in some religious ceremonial rite". So, oddly enough, we do share some very fundamental similarities in beliefs about "churches as organizations" about "TV preachers" etc. etc. etc. And he's extensively read the Bible in the past, and considers it a good "psychology text". So we're not unable to discuss God (which is different than discussion religion - in those discussions we share more viewpoints than we disagree on), and we're able to agree to disagree without an argument.

He raised his kids to "let them decide" about god, religion, church, etc. My personal view on that is that if you don't raise kids with some belief and structure and code of conduct based on those beliefs - they're unlikely to adopt them in adulthood because it requires self-discipline and unless it is of value to them, they won't do it. And what is of value to most people is what they learned to be of value in childhood primarily.

But, he raised his kids without my involvement becuase they were raised by the time that we met. And ironically enough, his teenage daughter DOES attend church with her friends - I believe more as a social gathering than anything else - but it does beat a Teen Club. And he has no problem with her discussing God and religion with me if she wants, which sometimes we do at great length.

But, if you do not share values and beliefs - there are certain things that you can't "share" together. I've got an extremely mind/body/spirit connection and am firmly convinced that everything that I was - I embraced to become who I am - simply applying those same traits and abilities as assets - rather than negative liabilities. That perspective means that success is a method - it's not found ina situation or option or opportunity. People that gravitate towards that - tend to believe in God...rather than in luck.

He believes that success is found in opportunitie and options and you must always be prepared to get into those situations if they make an appearance. He believes a great deal in fate and luck rather than pre-destination and pre-ordination.

So, we CANNOT get into that subject at all - which means some of the epiphanies in my life - he doesn't "get" because it's deep thinking. And it means some of what he pursues and gets involved with - I support but can't for the life of me figure what he sees in it - but I just realize he does see opportunity in some capacity and he's 'going for it".

I can see if we had kids, we'd have a huge dilemma. Because I would never raise a child again (I did it once and the child is a total wreck as a result) to believe that other people and situations hold the key to success, security and happiness in life for them. And he really does believe that "success adn security" (in terms of financial, professional) is found by being in the right place, at the right time, and it's luck of the draw and hopefully fate is on your side. That doesn't eliminate the requirement to be self-responsible about being happy, but I can see us trying to raise a child with me pushing for him/her to think at a deeper level and on a more existential plane...while he kept saying "keep focused on the reality of the present and make of it what you can".

We're a great team with the diversity - but I can see in raising children it would totally drive us apart. It's not an issue that we face in our 40's however, so it works out well for us.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com


Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: mirxu
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 11:12am

Well, this is quite a startling reversal for you and you have every reason to feel bewildered. Your marriage was based upon your mutual religious beliefs and activities. Now that he has changed and no longer believes, he wants you to follow suit. This is neither necessary or healthy for you. Clearly, your religioius belilefs and activities have been a mainstay of your life and he has no right to ask you to give them up, just because his own faith has altered. He must respect the fact that your relationship was based upon this faith when you were married and you had no reason to believe it would be withdrawn. At that time you had every expectation of sharing your religious convictions with your

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: mirxu
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:26pm

There are many different couples, both religously and otherwise, that make their unions work...it is a personnal choice and nothing more. You can either accept the fact that he is having doubts about his religous beliefs and support him, or leave.Do I think that he could change his mind again?Maybe. Do i think that you should support his decision no matter what?Absolutley. I have seen love survive much worse things than a change in religion, and have seen much odder couples paired up that make it work...its a matter of hard you wanna try..


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2004
In reply to: mirxu
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 12:36pm
I really feel for you. Something traumatic or something must have happened for your husband to all of a sudden change his mind about religion. I have seen that happen before and it turned out the person was very deeply involved in drugs and it changed almost everything about them very fast. Since there are children involved I suggest counceling for getting to the root of the problem, who has your husband been talking to or what has he been engaging in since I am sure he knows of your religious devotion and how hurtful this must be to you, not to mention shocking. What is your religion? Maybe your husband and you can calmly discuss the things he dislikes about your religion, and if there isn't a god to him anymore ask him to give you concrete reasons he believes so, for your child deserves to grow up feeling protected by the creator of all the universe, it really is a question of faith, and everyone deserves the chance to believe we are not just wandering through space and time all alone.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
In reply to: mirxu
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 1:37pm
I can understand why you are baffled and upset. The fact remains that he has changed his mind and his beliefs and has a right to do so. Let's assume he won't change his mind again. I think, like many things, you will have to either accept it and agree to disagree and come to some compromise about raising kids or leave.

He can't ask you not to teach your child about your strong religious beliefs. Maybe you can talk to your child about what each of you believes and leave it up to the child to decide what is right for him/her when he is old enough.

Do you have a child now or was that conversation about the future?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: mirxu
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:02pm

this is something you are going to have to "accept" about him, or get divorced. and the two of you are going to have to sit down and work out an accepted (by both of you) plan on how to raise your child(ren).


I think that the basis of most religions are the same - love of God (whatever that God is), love of fellow mankind, "proper" behavior, etc. I am presuming that your husband is not suddenly going to go out on wild shooting sprees or anything like that. i am presuming that he is going to continue to behave in an appropriate adult manner, just without giving his life any "religious" stamp. i also went thru certain changes regarding my belief in what God is, and what God wants from me, and i know it annoyed my STBX - but you can't FORCE a grown up to believe in things, and you can't expect a grown up to live a hypocritical life if his beliefs have changed.


what you can discuss is how this will affect your life, and what yo uwill do about your children. i don't know what your religion is, or what house of worship you attend. maybe he will be ok if you go to a more open-minded church/synagogue/mosque?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2003
In reply to: mirxu
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 4:43am
I do believe that my husband has everyright to believe or not to in anything he wants to.

I'm just hoping that he would see things like that too, and would not try to nag my faith when telling what's so very wrong in my religion.

Guess we'll have more conversations on raising the child we have (the most cutest 2year old son :-) (not getting more of them at the moment because of the situation, though it would be lovely)) and fixing everything will take lot of time and tears too. But if we can make it work, it's worth it, I think.

Thanks for all of you for your supporting notes..