Different paths....

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2006
Different paths....
4
Thu, 05-15-2008 - 4:08pm

DH and I have been together for just over 8 years and have a beautiful 5 year old son. I had made it clear from the start that having a big family was important to me. I feel like I'm nearly invisible in our marriage though!

We have had a tough time with trying for child #2 when we experienced 2 miscarriages back to back, but leading up to even trying again was like pulling teeth with DH for years before even getting a "lets give it a go" attitude and I am right back to square one with him on the subject again. It changes so often that I don't know what I even want anymore.

I know he loves me, but I feel like some friend with benefits to him sometimes. I tried to have a serious discussion with him just this past week and asked him what his plans are... where he sees his life (our lives/our family) going from here- and he had NONE! It was extremely disheartening to me that he doesn't even care to think about where our future is going from here. He is just taking everything for face value and from day to day!! Who does that?!

I couldn't imagine not being with him, but at the same time I feel like I am giving up everything that I have ever wanted and have put myself and my life on a complete hold- no progressions- just stuck in a time warp.

It's not just the whole having more children debate that bothers me. I feel like he has no compassion for me. Any time I haven't felt well or felt there was something not right with me, he made it like it was all in my head and no big deal- such as the first pregnancy I discovered and ended up losing the following week from my doctor's visit. I figure I know my body best and I was right- there was something wrong- but he would rather scoff it off.

He grew up without parents- a mother that ran off to the bar every night and weekend as soon as his father got home from work, and a father that was basically emotionally nonexistent and checked out, not to mention a severely mentally handicapped sister who also suffered from rages against him. I don't want to blame his childhood on this one, but I feel it has a lot to do with it.

I feel like this is it... this is how it's going to be, and I don't want it to be like this. I want goals, I want to grow and nurture our family. Don't get me wrong, I'm so thankful for our son, but as a stay at home mom to a boy that's about to start school full time I feel that if we are to have more children it has been way overdue.

I know it sounds silly, and I've tried and only failed to explain this to DH, but every girl growing up has the dream of how they see their life, and for me it was always to have at least 3 children about 2 years apart from each other so they could grow up together. I know that's not always life, but still...

Any kind words or suggestions would serve as a huge pick me up right now as I'm sitting here crying and typing. I feel like I'm going through a horrible state of secretive depression and I have aged over 10 years in less than a year- premature aging (creases and wrinkles worse than my 50-something year old mother and I'm only in my 20s!). I plan to go to the dermatologist as soon as our new insurance is in effect but that's a whole different story.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 12:29am

Welcome to the board eclifford84,


HUGS - sorry for your loss.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 3:29pm

Welcome to the board eclifford84,


Since you DH says he doesn't have a plan, why don't you write yours out and have him read it and ask him if this is something he feels is okay for your family. If he says no, then tell him that you want to hear his plan then and see if a compromise can be reached.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-06-2008
Fri, 05-16-2008 - 7:01pm
Life never works out like you have it scripted in your dreams.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2007
Sat, 05-17-2008 - 7:25pm

 Z