Difficulty with children ruining us

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2007
Difficulty with children ruining us
2
Wed, 12-19-2007 - 3:28pm

Ok, to all who read - obviously by my title I am frustrated- so in writing this my view might be a little tainted (this nasty weather here in North Dakota isn't helping things either!) - but here goes.... I have been dating a man (he has four kids) for about two years now. We met while he was in the process of a very messy divorce. Serious parental alienation syndrome with the two older children. The divorce was final a couple of months ago.

As a group, for the most part, the two younger children and my child get along pretty darn well. The second oldest, a female, is quite an issue. She refused to visit her dad for the greater part of the first year and a half that we dated. Once the divorce was final and her mother was forced to get a job and therefore - she "needed" the children to be cared for when she was not available (she travels extensively) the daughter then decided that she would come on visitations with her father. When she visits she rollercoasters through personalities, especially if she speaks to her mother on the phone. There are times, while very far and few between, of normalcy. It is the other times that are so draining. She is rude to me, rude to her father, yells at the younger kids (not my son)and overall defiant - this is also heightened when her mother is in town, where she often then refuses to return to her father's house until her mother has to leave. So, as if this is not straining enough, she has gone to her mother and therapist with complaints about my relationship with her father, "that we will go into a room and close the door" (we do this when we need to work out issues - but she is making more of it then is there), you name it and she has gone to them to try and stir up problems.... But today was the kicker! ---- I found out today that she is accusing my son of malicious (sexual type) behavior toward one of the younger children (my son is 7). I am not in denial, I am certain this is not true.

Ok, so that just paints a SMALL picture of what I have been dealing with for the last two years. So my question is... at what point is enough is enough? Is this relationship more trouble then what it is worth? I can honestly say without the issues with the children, specifically his...we probably would have been engaged if not married by now. And, if I do stay in this relationship, where do you go from here with the kids? I don't want my son exposed to the wrath of this child. What will her next facade be and could it be a lie to get me into trouble? She has already made stories up accusing her father of inappropriate behavior. Is it fair for me to say to him "I will not have the children together as long as she continues this behavior and until she apologizes to me? Your input would be so greatly appreciated - I just don't think I am seeing straight right now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Wed, 12-19-2007 - 3:40pm

I think you should do something that you didn't do a long time ago; sit back and answer this question- What is right for all children involved?


Is getting involved while he is in going through a divorce the right thing? Is dating a man with his own kids the right thing? Is bringing your kids into this drama the right thing? What about his kids- I know that his daughter is a pain but she is hurting from the mess. Your bf and his ex should be on good terms and you should support that and make sure that the kids aren't hearing you or him bad-mouth her or it will only come back to haunt you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Wed, 12-19-2007 - 3:41pm

I think it's totally reasonable for you to want to remove your son from this toxic environment.

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