Disagreement on child-rearing..
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| Sat, 11-29-2008 - 11:56pm |
Hello. Honestly I'm quite a bit frazzled right now, as well as quite a bit frustrated. My partner and I, together for almost three years now, just had a rather heavy argument over our ideals of child-rearing. Having brought our relationship to a much deeper state over the past few months, we have just completed a move to a larger place and when looking around at the home's layout, the topic of children came up. Lo and behold, it seems we have two very different ideals, specifically about whether our future children will share bedrooms or not. I personally want my children to each have their own room. Their own space, retreat, a place to go for themselves when they just need to get away. I see it as a positive thing. It allows for a child's personality to develop, teaches responsibility in taking care of one's personal space, allows for privacy, etc. All that being said, of course if two of my small children wanted to be together in the same room, I would not say no (age and sex appropriate of course). However I believe that it is better to give the child their own space, rather than automatically force them to be with others. I grew up as an only child, and I recall the time when talk arose of a potential sibling for me. I was mortified. I was content and happy by myself, and I know had my parents had a second child and put them in the same room as me, I would have gone crazy. I am just a very private person by nature and tend to not do well when confined in a space in that kind of manner. Didn't even really like sleepovers as a kid. When I'm tired, sad, sick, or just in need of some time and space alone, I want to be ALONE. If I want to cry, think, stretch, dance, or have to burp, fart, sneeze, run to the bathroom, whatever, I don't want to be embarrassed knowing someone is laying in the next bed and can hear or see. And as a child, I was always expected to conform to my parents' beliefs that doing all those things in front of others was just being "normal". Still, as I am, it horrified me, and so I would opt to just keep quiet rather than embarrass myself, and more often than not I would end up making myself sick because there was no place to go to get away, and I would choose to suffer in silence. Too afraid to speak up about what I was feeling, because then I was looked at strange. I just cannot imagine putting my child through the same. And I feel that if I submit to the belief that our children should share a room, I fear for that quiet, timid child who like me, will opt to suffer rather than speak up for fear of being ridiculed because it appears mommy and daddy feel a certain way.
My partner on the other hand grew up sharing a room and believes it to be better for children, stating that it will allow them to create a stronger bond for when we are no longer around anymore. It was also thrown at me in our argument that most children are not like I was and in fact want to have siblings and share a room. As I said, I am not against it if they want to be together in the early years. But I do not believe it should be automatically forced upon them. They don't need to share a room to bond with each other. They can develop bonds just fine with each other during the days and all other times, but when it comes to bedrooms, sleeping and privacy, I feel they should have their own space.
It was also said that having their own room teaches selfishness, as when a child gets too independent and has their own space, they become territorial and eventually do not want anybody to enter into it. My view however is that child becoming fussy about not wanting someone to come in their room is much easier to handle and correct than children potentially exploring and engaging in other inappropriate actions. This stands out in my mind the most, as I spent many years watching the way my young cousins were raised. The whole family was about "love and bonding", this and that, and always had the same arguments as my partner does now. All three children (2 boys, 1 girl) shared a room. This led to many inappropriate things, especially between the youngest boy and girl, and no amount of teaching or correction seemed to make it stop. Of course, it all starts with teaching the difference between right and wrong, but in sharing a room, that just seems to be like pouring gasoline across a dried out grassland in the heat of summer and commanding it not to catch on fire. I point blank, do not want to even enable such a possibility, however remote.
So for lack of having anyone else to run this past, I'm asking everyone here for help. Am I being as cold and loveless as my partner says? It has come to the point where it was said that there will be no children at all, should I have and keep my opinion. I do not want that, however I don't feel I should lay down my beliefs either. I know it is said to choose your battles in a relationship, and if it were any other matter, I would probably back down, or at least seek more of a compromise. However I just do not feel the opposing opinion to be right. I want my children in their own rooms, for my reasons, as I simply feel it is what would be in their best interest. But I am disagreed with, every step of the way, and I truly don't know what to do. I don't want our relationship to suffer because of this, or worse, come to an end. It seems like such a petty argument, and yet I feel it is over such an important issue.
Thank you for reading. I apologize for the length. And I look forward to the responses.
Edited 11/29/2008 11:57 pm ET by casualobserver

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"Each of you is as stubborn as the other."
Exactly. The desire to duplicate one's own childhood through their children is dangerous, it gives an impression of not having kids quite for the right reasons. I hope they can compromise but they seem so stuck, obviously if they think that breaking up is the solution to this problem rather than letting go of need to replicate their own past in their kids, they are probably right. Being compatible doesn't mean having the same ideas on everything and they are seriously jumping the gun on this issue which may not even be one.
<< Being compatible doesn't mean having the same ideas on everything and they are seriously jumping the gun on this issue which may not even be one. >>
Very well said (all of what you said!)
"You really do learn a lot about your partner's style of discipline when you have dogs!"
That is extremely true, you get to see a lot when you share a living thing (child or pet... probably not plant) with someone else! My guy "adopted" my pets and takes care of them/buys toys for them like they're his own which is very sweet. It shows you a great deal about someone's personality when you both have to care for something that can't take care of itself or be left alone for a long time. Obviously a kid and a dog are very different beings but there's still an element of personal responsibility that you get a real glimpse of.
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