Distant all of a sudden...What did I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Distant all of a sudden...What did I do?
4
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 9:29am
Hey everyone! I posted on here not too long ago about how I was dating a guy who wasn't sure about how he felt about my having a child. And then I updated that he was accepting of it, and said it no longer bothered him. He said he still wanted to move slow, however, because he didn't want to get "bored" of eachother by seeing eachother too much. We agreed on a TWICE a week schedule of seeing one another. Once during the week and every Friday night. It seemed to work for us well for a couple weeks!
Since we decided on that schedule, and since he had decided that he was comfortable with my having a child, he was very attentive and loving when we were together. He had even started calling/texting a LITTLE more....and when we were together, he would ask about meeting my son...saying that he would like to, etc. and how I felt about it. I told him that he can meet him soon if he'd like. I felt at this point that we were moving toward "exclusivity"...he would always talk about "how much we have in common" and just generally seemed very interested! Me, on the other hand, I was trying to play it "cool" this whole time....I did not ONCE bring up "where the realationship is going" talk or ANYTHING...NO pressure from me at all. And I even told him on one of the nights that we had planned to see eachother, that I might have to work. I also told him that I had plans with friends the night before that, so we couldn't see eacother then, either. He asked if I was hanging out with a group of girls, or what. I told him girls and a few guys, also, just friends. I was just trying to show him that I have a life, and maybe trying to make him a LITTLE jealous, and perhaps want to move towards being exclusive. Anyway, basically I just wasn't available at the drop of a hat, and when he called or texted, sometimes I wouldn't call or text him back for a couple hours. Just busy with work and stuff.
He did ask me if I even "wanted" to see him, because he said I never told him that and that "it would be nice to hear it sometimes"...which made me feel guilty...because I am not the most forward woman in that department. I told him that of course I wanted to see him, very much. I hope this eased his mind a bit in this department. It was clear though that he wanted me to be more vocally demonstrative.
Anyway, so things were moving along nicely (by the way, we have been together almost 2 months now!) these last couple of weeks...and I definitely felt that I had the upper hand and that he liked me MORE than I liked him, so I felt comfortable.
Last week, when we saw eachother, we just hung out at his house. Thursday night we did because there was nothing else going on, so we just watched TV, talked and hung out. Friday night we did because I was hanging out with family that was in town until 10 PM, so it was really too late to do much of anything else. So we sat outside on his porch, drank some wine, and talked. I thought it was really romantic! He seemed to enjoy it too!
Anyway, after Friday night, something must have gone "wrong" in his head, or something I did on Friday night must have turned him off or something (can't think of what!) because things were WAY awkward after that. He did text message me the next morning, asking if I made him home okay the night before, and I said "yes, and I had a great time last night!" and he just wrote back "Me too." and then changed the subject. We really didn't talk much on text after that. And he never called. Which isn't really that unusual, because sometimes we will text last on sat or sunday night and then he will end up calling and making contact for the first time after that on Tuesday night.
So, last night was Tuesday night and he didn't end up calling. It was 9 PM, so I just decided to text message him, saying "whats up?" and he wrote back "just chilling, what are you up to?" and I wrote back "just relaxing at home"....basically the convo went on for a little while and I will post the rest following-
Him- "yeah, I'm doing the same boring stuff"
Me- "so how have you been the last couple days? work?"
him-works been slow, which is fine. ready for the weekend, it will be a four day weekend for me!"
me- I bet you're excited!
him- haha, I guess so, but I know it will fly by
me-You miss me? (my moment of weakness and insecurity started here!)
him- I don't know...You miss me?
me-you don't know? yeah, i miss you
him- I miss you...Friday?
me- so we're not seeing eachother this week before friday?
him- Ummm, we can. Did you have something in mind?
me- well its okay fir you dont want to..i just thought we would because we have been the last couple weeks
him- I don't know. I just kind of don't want to hang out at my house
me- well, you know there are other places we can go! :)
him- maybe YOU should call me and invite me to one of those places
me- haha you think i should call you more? would you like it?
him- well i dont think you should call me less!
me- haha well i dont like to seem too forward in the beginning so thats why i really dont call! but i will if you want me to..when do you want to hang out?
him- whenever, but when do you work this week? weekend?
me- thurs sat and sunday, so i guess that leaves tomorrow and friday
him- maybe tomorrow, but do you want to hang out for sure on friday?
me- why? yea i do, if you do
him- No...I mean ya. Anyways, I was just asking you, quit over-analyzing everything. God
me- Geez! Sorrry, I'm in a really weird mood tonight (YES, very insecure)
He didn't respond, so I wrote back
me- So I'm gonna go to bed...Tomorrow?
him- Can I see how I feel and text you or call you after work?
me- (at this point I felt like complete crap, and wanted to text back or call him IMMEDIATELY, wanting reassurance, asking questions like "feel about what?!?!?" etc. But I FORCED myself literally to play it cool) so I wrote back-
"of course! Have a good day tomorrow
him- Thanks sexy
THE END
Okay, honestly, after that conversation, I did not sleep much at ALL last night. The "Thanks sexy" line at the end was the ONLY thing/HOPE I had to hold onto! What in the world does he mean by "see how he feels" about seeing me tonight?? It makes me really nervous! I dont want to see too needy or forward, and I think I've done a pretty good job of it up till this point, but now I am feeling VERY insecure. Any advice??? If we do end up seeing eachother tonight, how should I act/behave? I know I will still feel insecure and desire validation and probably even bring up our relationship status and question him.
AND if he DOESN'T call or text me at all, I will definitely assume that the relationship is OVER for him!!
What changed? Did I do something wrong? Do you all think he might be just trying to play a "game" because he thought I was playing a "game" all the last couple weeks when I wasn't very "available"??
Is he NOT interested anymore, or what? I am going to go insane till he gets off work tonight! HELP please
Thanks in advance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 12:11pm

Welcome to the board browneyedmama,


This part, "and I definitely felt that I had the upper hand and that he liked me MORE than I liked him, so I felt comfortable." nearly made me choke.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 5:21am

I believe your contrived personality would be driving him away. You seem to be so caught up in trying to do what *you think* he wants that you've lost your own personality. Why would he want someone who is so obviously changing her personality and walking on eggshells to keep him happy?

I also agree with him that you're over analyzing everything. Again, another trait to surely drive him away. Learn to go with the flow instead of trying to manipulate situations.

The best way to secure a good relationship is to be yourself. Sure, being yourself won't suit everyone, but the whole point of dating is to find someone who loves us FOR THE PERSON WE ARE.

Quit the games (faking your personality IS playing games) and be yourself. If he likes you for who you are, then great. If he doesn't, you're free to move on. But stop pussyfooting around. Drop the "I do, if you do" mentality

Dress Up Games, Doll Makers and Cartoon Dolls @ The Doll Palace
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 7:12am

I agree with Aisha--this sounds less like a relationship and more like a risky moment in international diplomacy. You're trying to micromanage your relationship with hints and innuendos. Suppose you were able to tweak things all the way down the aisle--can you imagine how exhausting it would be to have to manage your marriage like that for the rest of your life?

Seriously, the other posts to you I've read are right: you want to have a relaxed, genuine relationship with him, and what you're doing now seems guaranteed to drive him away. How is he going to fall in love with someone who is always trying to stay a couple of steps ahead, and who shows no vulnerabilities? Trust yourself, and let him get to know you as you really are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 9:29am
Thank you all so much for your responses! Basically, the general consencus seems to be that I am being fake and trying to micromanage everything in my relationship...and it's not working! You are ALL right-- I really DON'T have "things to do" most of the time when I tell him I can't hang out with him-- I just want it to seem that way-- and honestly, I am getting VERY tired of all the games and orchestrations too. I even think that my voice changes somewhat when I am with him! I don't feel I can TRULY be myself...and I do make HIM responsible for MY feelings-- on whether HE is making me feel "good" about myself, etc. When I stopped myself with this last night-- I knew that I needed to change!
Last night, he DID end up calling me, thankfully! I went over to his house and then we went straight from there to just walk around a strip mall and walk in some of the shops and just look around a bit. We did this for about an hour or so...and we also went up to his work and he showed me his office and his cubible and everything. It was fun, I thought. After all this, it was about 9 PM, so we just went back to his place and watched some TV. I told him that I had fun, that walking around and talking and stuff was fun for me, and he looked away and said that it was "better"....So it didn't really sound like he had much fun...and I am NOT trying to overanalyze what he said here..but it honestly didn't sound like he had THAT much fun...when I had lots of fun...simple things are fun for me...just hanging out with him is fun for me....
Anyway, he said that he just didn't want to sit around his house anymore, that he wanted to do other things. I told him I agreed. I hope hes not getting bored with ME.
On the drive home last night with him, he let me drive his new car (I was nervous, but it was fun!) ...he had been wanting me to drive it a few weeks ago, but I had always been too nervous...it has lots of technical gadgets in it that I'm not used to! LOL
When we were driving, I started being vulnerable (and actually letting my TRUE personality come out! Being emotionally intimate, I guess) and talking about my insecurities...and our convo turned to the texts the night before, and he said that it seemed to be unlike me, that the messages he got from me seemed a bit insecure, which is unusual for me. I told him I was in a strange mood that night. (I'm glad that he thinks I'm normally confident-- although I'm really NOT!) He then said he thought it was weird when I asked him if he missed me- and he smiled/laughed and said that he made ME say that I missed him first. Basically, I was being very vulnerable and we started talking about when people say "i love you" first in relationships, and how high school relationships always seem to progress unnaturally fast, etc., and that we were glad we were older (23) now. Basically, I told him that I have never told a guy that "i love you" first, because I admitted that I am afraid of rejection. He goes "ohh so it all comes out now!" (my insecurities) kind of in a teasing way, and I said "yeah, I guess everyone has their own insecurites..." and he said "yeah I have about 30 or 40 of those myself" and I asked him what they were, trying to connect, as I had just shared of MYSELF, and he said "i'm not gonna tell you those!" and i asked "why not?" and he said "its too early in our relationship for that" and then we were silent for pretty much the entire rest of the ride home.
THAT bothered me. I opened up to him, and he did not want to connect himself. I felt a WALL there...and that makes me think that he doesn't want a relationship with me. Am I correct to think this? Is he keeping himself emotionally distant from me on purpose? He is not the MOST demonstrative man either (never has been, with me at least) and hardly ever tries to hold my hand or touch me physically either. I mean, he does sometimes, of course (and NOT just for sex, b/c he often does it after sex, too, and at other times unrelated to sex) He is just NOT as physically affectionate as other men I've been with before. It honestly just feels like he is HOLDING something back. Am I right to think this way, or am I just being overly- paranoid?
Because, truly, I don't really know WHAT a healthy early relationship is supposed to be like. My only TWO other serious relationships started off in whirlwinds, and both men were all over me, unnaturally so, almost to obsession. I loved all the attention, but I knew that those were unhealthy relationships.
How would I know if he is truly interested in me in a HEALTHY way? Because all I've known is obsessive love, and I want to know if his interest is really HEALTHY, or just distant (as it seems)?? I honestly am VERY interested in this guy, as he is confident and successful, sweet and smart, and all the things I like in a man (except not as OPEN as I'd like...but could this come with time??) and don't want to screw things up anymore! I want to be MYSELF without all the game playing! I feel like I can't relax! And when I DO, and try to open up emotionally, he shuts down. WTH??
I've also heard that a man falls in love with a woman almost immediately, but doesn't let her know at first. Is this true? Because, if so, he definitely does not seem to be "in love" with me at all!! How long can it take for a man to feel that way?
I just think that he is emotionally DISTANT with me in some way...but not everytime we're together I feel this way...sometimes he is very open and affectionate. other times, more rigid and distant. What is up with this?
I just don't feel that he is very interested in me, really. But then again, I am comparing HIM to my past, unhealthy relationships. How do HEALTHY men behave when interested in a woman? Can they be distant? Last week he wasn't very distant-- this week he is very distant though!
Friday night we have dinner plans (he suggested) and then I'm coming up with what we should do after that ..Any ideas?
I am going to try to be myself, no games, not fake...and hopefully we can have an honest convo..but i dont want to bring up our relationship and freak him out or anything, by asking prematurely. I just don't know how to be MYSELF, and share myself, without opening up TOO much, like I did last night (and he shut down)...HELP!
Thanks so much in advance!!