Divorce or stay for kids???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Divorce or stay for kids???
3
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:12am
I am unhappy. I have been with my husband for 10 years now, 6 1/2 of those married. We have a two year old and a 10 month old and are currently in marriage counseling again. We went to counselors when we were dating to resolve in law problems, and then we went to separate counselors for about 1 year and then a marriage counselor for 6 months shortly after getting married.

I am a stay-at-home mom and don't know what to do about staying with my husband. We have grown apart, he is a workaholic, trying to start his own business, and I am becoming more involved with my church and activites. He calls me saying scripture to him, (which I only do when I am reading an excerpt for my daily devotions or for the children before bed) as bible thumping.

I know this sounds ridiculous, but for years he was a committed Democrat. This year, he is really geared towards Bush and wants to vote for him, whereas I can't stand him and hope to see Kerry in office. For some reason, I see this change in his ideology as a sure sign that we really don't have much in common.

Our relations are practically nil and when we get together at night after the children are asleep, I read and he just watches tv.

I like him, I am not in love with him. I want to be happy and have fun again. I realized being a stay at home that the reason I miss not going to work so much is that I have no one to talk to. My husband doesn't like to talk politics, religion, art, nothing. It's only what he did that day at work and what are the children learning. I love my children, but I don't want to spend 24/7 talking about them

Considering how much counseling we've done so far, is this really worth it? Please...I could use some advice. My children are young enough that hopefully if I did divorce I can limit some of the negativity associated with it.

D

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 10:44am
Well if the kids are the only thing holding you together - don't stay for their sake - so that they can grow up watching you, bored, frustrated and miserable?

I don't know - it's a tough one - what does your husband say about calling it quits?

I definitely agree - ending it now when the kids are young enough so that they won't know it (the two year old might have some idea) is better than dragging it out and causing them upheaval down the road.

Coolas

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 10-14-2004 - 4:23pm
Hello donnie. I'm sorry to hear of your situation. I cannot tell you what you should do, but I can offer you some reassurance that if you take the steps necessary to be happy in your own life, your kids will probably be better off. You and your husband are their role models for what a marriage should be. Their own relationships later in life may mirror your own choices, good or bad. I personally haven't seen a lot of proof around me that being raised in a two-parent dysfunctional home leaves kids better off than in happy and well-adjusted single-parent homes. I think when parents separate, though, if they can act like adults and focus on positive behavior that will help their kids get through the split with the least amount of pain possible (instead of using the kids against one another, etc) it makes a huge difference in the outcome of everyone's lives.

I was in your shoes some years ago and decided after 10 years of marriage that I just could not take another day or year of living miserably. My 2 children were 4 and 7 at the time we separated, then divorced. It was an amicable and mutual divorce, which helped the kids a lot. It was hard being a single mom, I had no family in the state where I live, but I think I did a pretty good job of it (my ex moved out of state when we separated, chasing his dreams which still to date have not come to fruition). A few years after my divorce I met the most wonderful man. He and the kids hit it off immediately and today we're living as a happy and well-adjusted family. My kids are excelling in all areas and my husband and I feel like the luckiest people in the world to have found one another. His family accepted me and my kids into their family immediately and still today tell me they're so happy to have me in the family. I thank God every day for giving me the strength to get through all those tough years and ultimately make the choices that were right for me, and for my kids. I wish you the same, whatever road you choose. Very best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 9:42am
thank you so much for your reply. I have given it over to God and hopefully praying and thinking about this situation will help in the near future. I appreciate your candor and openness.