Divorce Remorse? Normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-05-2003
Divorce Remorse? Normal?
5
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 11:12pm
My divorce will be final tomorrow. I filed, having felt I had exhausted all options I had to make it work. I had lost hope, she had left me, and I had to move on. The day I filed, she did a 180 and from that point on, started acting like the person I married, and desperately wanted to work things out. I had went through the grieving stage and I wasn't really open to it at that point so the divorce proceeded. At times I tried to open myself up to the idea of reconciling, but emotionally I couldn't jump back into something that had caused me so much pain, and the divorce proceeded. We did start out great, we had some good times and a nice group of mutual friends. I know I had good reason to do this at the time, but now I'm very sad about the prospects of it truly being over. Its not just the loss of the marriage, its also the loss of her. The divorce will happen tomorrow - too late to change that, but I find myself thinking that maybe we can start dating again. Are these feelings normal, and something I just need to get over? Would dating again be a mistake? She has some issues (me too), we're both in counseling, and we both are committed to making ourselves better people, and partners to whoever we are with in the future. Should we be trying together?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 9:06pm
M-

Every feeling you have is normal. I heard a therapist once say that going through a divorce can be more painful than dealing with someone's death. I'm sure your remorse is nothing more than a reaction to the fact that it is really final tomorrow. It's very obvious from what you say that you made a good decision. Take care of yourself and do what you need to get over her. You will never find Ms. Right until you are over Ms. Wrong.

C

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-02-2004 - 7:49am

yes its normal to feel this way. I invite you to join us on ivillages' "surviving divorce" board where you can meet other people who are going thru/or went thru divorce and probably felt similar things.


http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlsmartdivor

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2004
Sat, 07-03-2004 - 8:54pm
Hi,

I know you wrote your message a few days ago but I wanted you to know that your feelings are very normal. My divorce was final on June 9 (3+weeks ago) and I was devastated and like you, my husband (ex) did a 180 as your spouse and begged me to return to him and that things would be different. I want you to know that I wavered but then I thought about it long and hard and decided to move forward. I will share with you that even as he begged me to return to him he was engaged! I didn't even know it until I found out on Father's day (June 19) that he had married the woman the day before.... 10 days after our divorce was final. He hadn't changed, he never will.. my only consolation is that now he's her problem. She will soon find out what it's like to be the Mrs. P.S. When he called to tell me he married her he told me that he did it because I wouldn't return to him and he didn't want to be alone... nice ha? I wish you the best

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Sun, 07-04-2004 - 1:09pm
Your feelings are completely understandable. I didn't think I cared one wit for my ex-husband, but when the divorce was final, I was devastated, mostly by my failure. Anyway, once a partner figures-out that they have to be nice or whatever again to get you back, that's what they do. That naturally brings back old feelings of hope and anticipation. Unfortunately, these changes on their parts are generally short-lived. As soon as you were back in a relationship with her, it's likely she would revert back to her old ways of being and doing things. A lot of people are different with their families and spouses than they are with friends, business associates, etc.

That's not to say that it's hopeless, but you probably know whether it really is or not. People do change, but more often than not, they respond in set, patterned ways. Best of luck to you!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 7:48pm
Yes, I agree, this is so normal. Like you, my hubby did a 360, but it was only because he was desperate, and would've just reverted to the ass he was before. At times he would change for a whole 2 years, like I broke up with him before we married. He managed to hide his hideous behavior from me, only for it to return when we married. He tried to pull that 360 crap, but I was so over it, and felt liberated from the divorce, I told him it was sooo over.

since then, it has been 5 years, and I have remarried, and we are living a fairy tale.

Do not look back. You did the right thing. If she is trying to reconcile now, it is a little too late.

Good luck to you.