divorced with kids

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
divorced with kids
5
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 4:04pm
I'm not proud of it but I left my husband two years ago for another man. Sometimes I feel God is punishing me by the relationship I am currently in.

I am very much in love with this man. He is handsome, polite, respectful and very loving, all the things that I lacked in my first marriage. But, of course, we have a major problem. He has been divorced for 10 years and has always pretty much done whatever his ex-wife wants him to do, just to keep peace. He pays her a very large sum of money for child support AND buys other things just to help out. This woman is suppose to be working according to their divorce decree but she has never worked since they were originally married. She lives off the child support. The kids are always dirty and wear the same old clothes over and over. We fight a lot about the fact that it seems more important to him to keep his ex happy over me. I know he loves me very much and has told me he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. The kids are 14 and 12. We fight a lot over his ex and his kids and their filthy ways. I love him so much but I don't know what to do about this problem. I am questioning myself as to staying whether I can live with this for the next 6 years or so...

Now the next problem. He is a very friendly person. I am very jealous over his relationships at work. He works mainly with women. Also, his old girlfriend of 3 years still works there. And to make matters worse, I work with him too. Before we got together he use to talk about his old girlfried and how much he loved her. In fact, he made several changes in his life to make her happy. She broke up with him. They don't see each other at work very often anymore and that has helped a lot. I guess I am just insecure in the fact that he seems to enjoy his work relationships more than ours.

Am I just hopeless......



iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2004
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 4:45pm
Sandy,

Are you in love with your husband? Do you communicate? Do you both have an open and honest relationship?

If you can answer YES to all of the above questions, then NO you are not hopeless. You have no reason to be jealous of other women, your husband married you!! It sounds as though you may be jealous of his children or the money that he has to allocate to them. Do you lack the material possessions that you desire to be happy? Remember, those children didn't ask to be born and I have to respect a man who will keep peace for his children's sake. Sit back and try to enjoy the times you have with his children and know that your husband just wants them to have a nice life.

Making a decision to leave one man for another is the most gut wrenching decision I think one can ever make. Women stray and cheat because something is missing in their current relationship. You have to find that perfect balance in order to make a relationship work - I know that first hand and am fighting that battle myself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 5:28pm
sandy865...

This is just Pianoguy's opinion....but it sounds like your husband is trying to make a lot of people very happy ALL AT THE SAME TIME! It's one heck of a 'juggling act', but he seems to be pulling it off?

Problem is...you feel that the scales should be balanced MORE in YOUR direction? Perhaps you feel that you should also have "more input" in the way his children are being brought up? And that the EX should take on more responsibility than she's currently doing?

SORRY...but you're gonna STRIKE OUT on all three issues. And since you SEEM to be JEALOUS of any attention he pays to any woman he works with, I guess you could chalk up a 4th strike! [Somehow I don't think this will work because the baseball commission only permits 3!

What's wrong with sitting down with a large piece of paper and folding it into 4 columns:

Column 1: The qualities I love about the man

Column 2: The things I can't stand about him

Column 3: The habits I'd like him to change for me

Column 4: The consequences of leaving and becoming single

It might take you a few days to get everything down on paper....but take your time. It's better to have everything in front of you. Now if one list is considerably L-O-N-G-E-R than the others, you'll have a better idea whether it's worth it to continue the present arrangement or bail out?

There's nothing you can do about the work environment...unless you want to change jobs (and these days, GOOD LUCK IN FINDING A NEW ONE!). But speaking as a man, MOST OF US often view a woman's constant jealously as a thorn in our side. Many of us like to be cordial and (occasionally) kid around with other women, but this DOESN'T mean we plan to take things any further.

Assuming the fact that this man isn't sleeping around with the EX-WIFE, the EX-GIRLFRIEND or anybody else...and he's still "hopelessly devoted to you"---CUT HIM SOME SLACK, will you?

If you need to work on something....start with your "jealousy problem!" It looks lousy on any woman! After you resolve this...I'll bet you'll be a lot calmer and DEFINITELY A LOT HAPPIER?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 09-19-2004 - 8:07pm
Guys, I don't think they're married.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 3:47pm
I can't say I blame you for the way you feel. His choices and behavior wouldn't make most women feel very secure. I'd say he likes the attention of other women a lot....

Print this for him, maybe he'll get it.

Male Emotional Adultery Essay

When the ex remarried she seemed to think that she was entitled to two husbands. There was the good husband who received all the “benefits”. There was also the bad husband who received all the blame. Needless to say, I was the latter. After having observed this rather bigamous state of affairs for a year or two I finally informed the ex that if she needed someone to scream at, revile and expend her considerable anger on, she’d better look closer to home because I was not available and hadn’t been since the divorce.

My mistake, for several years, was continuing to feel some responsibility for the ex, even though we had both remarried. It was very difficult to break a 25-year habit of always trying to fix things. That had been my assigned role all those years. It took awhile to realize that fixing things was no longer my responsibility except within the boundaries of my own marriage. When the ex’s husband was killed in a car accident a little over three years after they were married, I was ready to lend assistance and this time my wife called me on it. She correctly pointed out that it was no longer my place, was no longer my responsibility and most likely wouldn't be appreciated anyway. As usual, she was quite correct.

Did I feel guilty about the divorce? Probably, even though I wasn't the one who initiated the whole process. In typical male fashion I couldn't reconcile not being a daily presence in the lives of my daughters. The ex figured that one out and tried to play on my feelings to extract more and more for me under the guise of it all being for my daughters. For awhile, it worked and I gave and gave. Then I realized that I was being manipulated and was also sending the wrong message to my children – that Dad was merely a convenient and deep pocket whose only value was that which could be preceded by a dollar sign. The bottom line was that the girls had two parents and I was not solely responsible for their well-being. Bye, bye guilt. Hello resolve. It was easy. It just took awhile to get there. Sometimes you just have to stand up for what you believe and really think about the message you're sending your children. That's especially important when you've remarried. It’s your wife who deserves your undivided loyalty and support, not the ex.

Over the years, too many wives have voiced the legitimate complaint that their husband continues to dance to the tune of his ex's manipulation. There are only two women to whom a husband owes the duties of loyalty and obedience, and even they have to deserve it. Those women are his wife, first, and his mother, second. To permit any other woman to exercise that degree of control and influence over him is emotional adultery and nothing less.

Gentleman, there's a reason that you and the ex are no longer married. Whether you're the one who left or, as is most often the case, she is, she is no longer your wife. She is no longer your partner. She is no longer your lover. She is the ex. If you have children together she will always be their mother but that is all the status she merits and deserves. She should be respected and valued for that, just as you should be respected and valued as their father.

In this venue, most, if not all, experience certain problems and frustrations connected with the ex. Why, then, would you bow and scrape before her, to the detriment of your childrens’ respect for you as a man and male role model, not to mention your wife's? Most especially, why would you permit her to dictate to you on all matters pertaining to the children to include disrupting your own family life to be at her beck-and-call, to the frustration of your wife and the detriment of your marriage?

If this describes you, you are guilty of emotional adultery. You're also giving-in to emotional blackmail and are permitting your children to be used as wedge issues and bargaining chips. Isn't it time to rear up on your hind legs, throw your head back and roar out your final independence from someone with whom you now have only indirect ties?

What your children truly deserve is happy and emotionally healthy parents, both of them, and steps as well. Your former marriage didn't work. Accept it and concentrate on your current marriage. Put your wife and your marriage first and you'll be giving your children the true gift you didn't give them while with their mother. That gift is the living and loving example of a strong marriage in which respect and mutuality are foremost, where a united front is common and consistent and happiness and contentment are evident. This is the example your children will take with them into their own adult relationships. You can’t change or fix what went before so concentrate on what you have now.

The biggest question and issue of all is this: Do your dealings with the ex cause a lack of harmony in your marriage? If the answer to that is, “Yes!”, then what ARE you doing.? Where do your loyalties lie and what are you going to do to take back control of your life from someone who no longer belongs in the middle of it?

Oh, yeah. If you did answer “yes” you'd better be coming home with flowers and taking your wife out for a very romantic dinner because, Buddy, you need to start courting her all over again. This time, don't stop, ever!

This piece was written by Mike (passem), the token step-father and regular contributor to the StepTogether Message Board.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 9:44pm
Put the focus on yourself ...

If you read what you wrote you'll see how much you are focusing on him, them ... I just copied down this quote for myself over the weekend and I feel it may fit for you too ...

"He who hunts for flowers will find flowers; and he who loves weeds will find weeds." Henry Ward Beecher

I suggest you give it a rest meaning take your focus off of what's bugging and put it on what you Love about him, your life, those kids ... try this one hour at a time - one day at a time. When I do this I tell myself that I am just taking a break vs. I CANNOT - making myself do something goes against my spirit but I can take breaks - time outs. Over time the time outs get longer and longer and longer and often the problem resolves itself or vanishes completely. Does this make sense.

I am also reading the most beautiful book and I read it every night before I go to sleep - it inspires me and sends me off to a good rest. When I am rested it is easier to no focus on other people or what is annoying me.

Here's the book - In Sweet Company Conversations With Exgtraordinary Women About Living a Spiritual Live by Margaret Wolff

Good Luck! Love on! Viveca