Do any men trust nowadays?
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| Thu, 02-19-2004 - 2:23pm |
In a nutshell, I was engaged to a man, or you could say boy (we were 20), for a little over a year who was insecure, jealous, possessive and controlling to say the least. I never had friends because my relationship with them dissolved after he came in the picture. I couldn't have personal emails, phone calls, or time out with my own mother without being interrogated, constantly interrupted by my cell phone ringing, or guilted into apologizing for what I had done.
After that relationship fizzled in July of last year, I swore that I would never allow myself to be controlled by another man ever again. I want a person who trusts and is secure in himself so that any insecurities won't spill out on me. I don't want to have to pay for the mistakes of ex-girlfriends and I want a little bit of freedom and an understanding of privacy. I think it's healthy and very necessary....both for me AND HIM as well.
Then I met my current BF. He's like the first guy--times 2. No matter how much I swear that cheating isn't in the cards, or how much I love and am devoted to a monogamous relationship...no matter how many promises I make, he won't believe me. He's been cheated on by his past 3 girlfriends and so "all women are the same and can't wait to get away from her man to spread her legs." He can't understand the concept of female friendships, the need for alone time, nor the definition of privacy. Granted, I've been in this situation before, that I've learned what to tell him and what NOT to tell him about my history.
Now, coming this March, I've been invited to a Girl's Weekend in Shreveport for just ONE weekend. To him, this is incomprehensible. He is willing to break up with me over it because it isn't "fair", however, he's afraid to break up with me because he's co-dependent. I'm going whether he likes it or not. I'm 22, (he's 30) and I've never had a girlfriend ANYTHING. I just want to take a road trip with my two best girl buddies, throw back a few drinks and do some shopping and little bit of slot machines. I'm NOT going to find anyone new--contrary to what he thinks.
The problem is, why can't I leave HIM so easily? I guess I feel like even though I'm satisfied knowing that I'm doing what I want for the first time in over 3 years, I can't cut the ties from the relationship which I know is toxic and dragging me down.
Is it healthy for him to be so adamant about me not going simply because he THINKS I MIGHT cheat? He says that I want to go TOO bad, so I must be up to something. I'm just tired of being told what I can and can't do by a boyfriend....of THREE MONTHS!
I need some opinions...
Thanks so much.
Erin

Yes, there are men who trust.
the common denominator in these two relationships is you. You're choosing men that are insecure, immature, unrealistic, and totally unsuccessful in life as a whole. That is your "type", it's your "preference" in men.
Within the original dynamic - them being so enamored of you, can't get enough of you, swooning over you, and wooing you - you're enthralled by that and thrilled. You want that...and you can't get that from a grounded, secure, mature, self-responsible and self-aware man.
They'll think you're "just great" - but they're not going to lie at your feet with a dagger to their heart if you make a move they might as well just die.
The relationship is 3 months old...you've said you didn't like being controlled, interrogated, manipulated, and potentially abused...yet you're sticking with this man who you claim at this stage is 2 times worse than your previous mate.
Why are you sticking with what you don't want? That's another pattern that you need to own and investigate.
I understand that you want to be assured HE isn't going to cheat, that HE isn't going to stray, that HE isn't going to change his mind -and th einitial contact with someone that is immature, insecure, and less than self-responsible gives you that impression. They're all over you 24/7, can't get enough of you at all times, and can't do enough to impress, please, and titillate you. The reality is - he's accusing you of potentially doing - what is considering potentially doing - if this relationship doesn't provide him with all the ease, benefits, comfort, convenience, and security that he believes 'a relationship owes him"...and he isn't going to feel bad about it - he'll be entitled to do it.
Drop the guy...someone two times worse than your ex has the real potential to be violent.
You're not a life-changing force...you can't make him more secure, stable, mature, and rational...but involvement with him could make you have less teeth, hair, and mroe scars - emotionally and physically.
Erin
quickblade14@hotmail.com
So it's decided.....I'm breaking it off this weekend....
Thanks for being honest with me.
:o)
Erin