Do I ask him to marry me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2003
Do I ask him to marry me?
2
Fri, 05-07-2004 - 3:15pm
Let's see if I can make this as succinct as possible. In February, began dating a man who I knew would be leaving at the end of June. Coming off of a stressful relationship before that, I was not looking for something too serious. But, (and there is always that but) I did fall in love for him.



He has always been very clear that he is leaving and has never mentioned asking me to go with him or attempting a long distance relationship.



The crux is, while we never have talked about our deepest feelings, since it has only been 4 months and the separation is looming, I can honestly say he cares very deeply for me. He has done those things that one would do in an long-term, looking for a future together relationship, such as introducing me to the parents and best friends who live on the other side of the country, involving me in decisions, meeting my friends/family, etc. But still being clear that he is moving (no way to get around that). And one clarification, I could not move-in with him, not without marriage.



I have never been one to jump to the M word. I have, in fact, turned down proposals because I knew that the person was not right or the one (do you remember that book on Starter Marriages?). Nor do I feel that 4 months can honestly be enough time to know if marriage is the answer. And yet, in this situation, that is all I want. While this could be a knee jerk reaction to his departure, I can honestly say that I can a) see a future together and b) will be devastated when he is gone.



So my questions are, is it that wrong to want to take that plunge knowing that the odds are so high and as the woman, is it the right thing to do?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-29-2004
Sat, 05-08-2004 - 11:36pm
I came across this site one day and thought you might find it intersting....www.loveisgreat.com....although it is one person's opinion...it's at least worth a quick read. I'm not doubting that you say you're "in love" but my first thought for a starting point would be to first communicate your feelings together, who knows...he may be feeling the exact same way. I think once the initial shock of his departure wears off you'll be able to clearly see how you really feel about being apart from him.

some quotes from www.loveisgreat.com:

Love is the quiet understanding and mature acceptance of imperfection. It is real. It gives you strength and grows beyond you - to bolster your beloved. You are warmed by their presence, even when they are away. Miles do not separate you. You have so many wonderful little films in your head that you keep replaying. But near or far, you know they are yours, and you can wait.

Infatuation says, "We must get married right away. I can't risk losing them."

Love says, "Be patient. Don't panic. Plan your future with confidence."

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sun, 05-09-2004 - 10:42am
Isn't that always the way - we fall in love when we least expect it. You can't plan to fall in love and you can't buy love - it just happens.

I don't think you should ask him to marry you!!!!!!!!!! DON'T!!!!! You will look desperate and reduce your own value. It is way too soon.

I think you should enjoy what you have while you have it and then let him go when it is his time to go. If you are the one for him then he will see that and he will ask you to marry him.

Often times, these things which seem so painful are a blessing in disguise. Maybe the move will help him see what he lost and he will ask you sooner than if there was no move? Or maybe someone better will come along for you?

You cannot predict the future. Maybe something will happen and he won't move?

Be grateful for what you have now and hang in there. I wish you strength and peace.