Do I continue to pursue things with her?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2011
Do I continue to pursue things with her?
14
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 11:57am
First, a little about my situation. I find it difficult to let my guard down and ask relationship advice from family and friends. I am in desparate need of objective advice. I am a 31 year old guy. I was married at 24 and divorced at 27. My ex wife is a doctor and informed me that she did not want children. I want a family and decided to file for divorce. There are no issues from my marriage and I am happy and adjusted. After a few yrs of casual dating and getting my masters degree, I met a girl in december of 2010 who I instantly clicked with. She is 31 and her husband died of cancer when she was 24. She dated and lived with a guy for 4 yrs after that and broke up with him shortly before meeting me late last year. Well fell in love quickly. Things moved fast but both of us said "when you know, you know". After 3 months we started to look at rings. She would email me daily with ring ideas and plans for our future. I was excited. We even met with an agent about buying a house halfway (we live 65 miles away). Eventually she asked me to move into her house. A week before I was to move in she started acting strange. I figured she was having second thoughts. I asked her and she said she already broke up with a guy and kicked him out of the house and she doesn't want that to happen again. I uderstood but was upset (I had already packed and signed off on a lease on my old apt). She then said "no promises" on a future together. This was after practically forcing ring ideas down my throat. I was very upset. She said she thinks about marriage with me often but can't promise anything right now. She made me feel guilty for bringing up the idea of "breaking up" saying that I didn't love her if I wasn't willing to give her time. I said I can just feel where this is headed. We took a break in june an I tried to give her space but she texted me all the time and called. I said the heck with the calling and texting I want to see you. She preferred to make more time for her friends. We officially broke up two weeks ago and I've been ok because I've been busy. I'm a head hs football coach. She texted me one last time and said "I love you and I'm ooing to figure this out once and for all". I did not respond. I was so angry. I aslo defriended her on facebook. She still is friends with all my friends and fam on there. Wouldn't she delete them if she thought it was over? We haven't spoke in two weeks and haven't seen each other in 3. My question is do I continue to pursue this or is it over? Am I beinmg irrational? I don't thinj she wants to be with anyone else but she is very independent. My take on relationships and marriage is that you have to be a team...but give each other space too. I love her and she means a ton to mee but I'm not sure if she is serious about a future with me. Please help

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 12:10pm

Sadly I've seen her story many times. Going crazy for commitment in the beginning and then cooling off. This woman has a void that cannot be filled by a man. She needs real help in a counselor's office. She has had a tumultuous past with relationships (having your spouse die at such an insanely young age has to leave a mark) and she is nowhere near ready to pick out rings or live with a man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2011
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 12:10pm
Fyi...I am absoutely ok with waiting awhile to get married. Its the fact that she has renigged on her feelings that casts a red flag for me. She had even started looking into churches and reception halls too. I am just so hurt by this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-18-2009
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 12:12pm

Uh, just to save you some potential racial trouble in the future, the term is "reneged" :)

Your girl is in love with the idea of rings and weddings. NOT commitment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 12:14pm

Coach, I think it's a good thing the football season is coming up, because you're going to need something to keep yourself busy and your mind occupied.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2011
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 12:24pm
That's what I thought I just needed to hear it from someone else. Thanks
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 1:29pm

I agree with the others.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2011
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 2:01pm
Actually she had kicked him out a year before but they remained a semi couple. It was because he was 12 yrs older and wouldn't propose. She broke it off. That's what makes her behavior even more baffling to me
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 2:29pm

Coach, it's not about you, it's about her.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-22-2011
Fri, 07-22-2011 - 6:02pm
Thanks everyone. I think that I could have let this drag out longer. I backed off a couple months ago and now ultimately realize that this is not ever going anywhere.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-06-2007
Sat, 07-23-2011 - 10:25am

I'm going to look at this incident only and not your past or her past.

Honestly, you two went way too fast.

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