do i expect too much?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2004
do i expect too much?
4
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 2:25pm
I'm 25, my boyfriend is 26 (8 months older). We have been living together 3 years and I am wondering if I expect too much. My boyfriend has been supporting me this whole time but I still think I deserve flowers and small gifts every now and then. Our second valentines, he planned something but that didn't work out so he got me nothing. Our third valentines I went and bought roses since I didn't think he would do anything and he got fussy with me and still didn't do anything but finally bought one rose after he was done fussing. This year I'm holding my breath - all I want is to see him go out of his way for 5 min and do something just for me (like make dinner reservations how hard is that?) My first birthday he forgot (that was ok, we had only been dating 5 months) My second birthday, he baked me a cake (perfect!) my third birthday he got me CAR PARTS! Ok, ok they are useful and he did install them but thats all I got - no cake or anything. Even though I'm not working I always buy him little thoughtful things or make him special dinners. I have talked to him and he says that he makes all these wonderful plans in his head, but they never work, he gets discouraged and does nothing. I told him to think small but no results yet. What hurts me is when I see him constantly take large amounts of time for his things like spending 3hrs driving around looking for a particular car air freshner. I keep thinking - if he only spent half that energy and time towards getting me something nice...Am I asking for too much?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 4:15pm
What you need to realize is that you are asking too much -- of him. See, he isn't on the same wavelength as you are in terms of gifts, plans and what he prioritizes as important in the relationship and in life, in general. Open your eyes and realize that he spends time and money on what he prioritizes -- the things he *wants* to spend time and money on. He plans things in his head b/c that's easy to do. He doesn't put the effort into following through and making them happen b/c he doesn't want to. Period. Doesn't mean he doesn't love and care about you, but you CANNOT make someone do things, say things, feel things that are not in line with the type of person they are. You're fighting a losing battle here. Don't expect anything -- that's the only way to avoid being disappointed. Or...stick to your standards and find a guy who can meet your wants, needs and expectations all on his own (b/c that's the type of person he is...not b/c you want him to).
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 5:36pm
I agree with boobeetrap.

Everyone shows love differently.....

Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-28-2004
Mon, 02-02-2004 - 7:12pm
Hi Sara,

Looks like you have some figuring your man out to do. He means well but he is missing that something that makes everything come together. He seems like a very prowd man so maybe asking his mother or sister or even one of your girlfriends probably doesn't even cross his mind but it may help. Do you have a relationship with his mother or does he have a friendship with one of your friends? Do you think you can get one of them to casually call him and see what he thinking of doing for valentines day? They could maybe even call him for advice on what to do for their mate and then sneak in idea's for you two. Or maybe you can try planning something together that way he will have a model to work from when he is trying solo. Hope that helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2004
Tue, 02-03-2004 - 3:20am
Sara934,

To answer your question...NO, you are not expecting to much. You are at an age in your life when you have the opportunity to make choices that make you happy. If you aren't happy with this man then move on, there are better 'fish' out there. Express to him what you are feeling and tell him what the problem is (not the incidences, those are only examples of the main problems), clearly explain what you need from him in your relationship, but then be prepared for whatever answer he gives back. I wish you the best of luck in your life.

ShyCat8