Do I give up on 5 Years?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Do I give up on 5 Years?!
11
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:05pm
I have been in a relationship with my fiancee for over 5 years now on and off. The deal is that when we first met I got pregnant and was in the position financially and emotionally (I thought at the time) to handle a child so I kept him (aginst BF's wishes). I was fully ready to deal with the situation on my own as I have everything else in my life and BF was not around during my entire pregnancy. Once my son was born BF decided that we could see if maybe we could work out. We didn't really know each other at all. I decided that this was fine but got stuck in the rut that I was trying to create a FAMILY regardless of the love factor. Eventually I grew to love BF but still to this day am not IN LOVE with BF. I think I have let this go on long enough and I can see that he is not my perfect mate and I am not his. He asked me to marry him but I can't see me with someone whom I really have nothing in common with except for a child. I guess my question is do I lead this relationship with the thought that people can work things out if they love each other or do I let US go to proceed in finding that SOMEONE that we feel "the spark" with? We both agree that we are not each other's type, but is love enough to see past the differences?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:16pm
Don't marry someone you aren't in love with just because you have a child. And don't marry unless you are both willing to go to counseling and see if you can rekindle real love feelings.


Carrie

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:25pm
I think this is a complicated situation. If it weren't for your son, you guys wouldn't be together, but because of him, you stayed together to make a family for him. This may or may not have been the right thing to do, but you did the best you could with what you had. Now you are wondering if this is the right thing. I think you basically have to weigh the benefits and drawbacks of each option.

For the case of staying together: Family stability is very important and it is tough to be a divorced parent and it is tough to be a child of divorced parents. Visitation, holidays, vacations, step-families - it gets complicated really quickly. Also, there are plenty of happily married people who don't have the "spark". Some are in the same situation you are in and have made it work well. In place of the spark, they have commitment, respect, and so on. And even with couples that had the spark in the beginning, the spark isn't a constant thing. My husband and I are very happily married and love each other unconditionally, yet I've never felt all goofy inside about him. And of course there is always the "grass is greener on the other side" aspect. I've heard plenty of women talk about the dating scene and it seems pretty rough. You may get out there and never find someone you have sparks with, or you may find someone you've got sparks with, but the sparks are way to bright.

You had mentioned that your BF is not your perfect mate - well, there isn't any such thing. We are all human beings and every relationship will have it's challenges. Just as there aren't any perfect people, there aren't any perfect mates. It's a matter of priorities - what you can live with, what you can't, what you need, what you want.

For the case of seperating: Miserable parents don't do anything to help their children by staying together, so if you guys are constantly at odds and can't find any common ground, then you might be better off seperating. Also, if either of you has traits that the other absolutely cannot accept and that will be a point of contention forever, then it might be better to go your seperate ways. Another thing to consider, if you are ONLY getting married for your son, are you both going to be commited to building a life together or will you both be commited to your marriage AND your child? If you aren't commited to each other as well, then chances are as soon as the kiddo is up and out, you will go your seperate ways anyway.

So that's what I have come up with. No answers, but maybe some things to think about? I don't think there is any right answer to situation, just a couple solutions and you guys need to pick the best one (or least bad, depending on your perspective - LOL)

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 2:26pm
but there never WERE any love feelings. I love him but the things that turn me onto a guy are not the qualities that he possesses. He doesn't TURN ME ON, and make my heart beat fast. Is what I'm looking for a fantasy or is this just how love is. I love him but there is no SPARK.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Tue, 03-16-2004 - 3:04pm
That 'in love' feeling is a rush, romantic love, usually infatuation that is short lived unless it is nurtured.

You and your guy are your child's role models. So if you stay together as a family, showing love, affection, that isn't bad. But if you are faking it, or showing something other than love, I don't think that is a good thing.

Ask yourself this, how upset would you be if he came to you tomorrow and said - I just met the most wonderful woman and I think she is 'the one.'? Would you be happy for him? Jealous? Angry?


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 2:06pm
i would like to believe that i would be happy for him, but mainly relieved.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 4:39pm

In my opinion the "spark" that you are talking about is a barrier in your own mind that you refuse to let happen.

Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 03-17-2004 - 5:41pm
"He doesn't TURN ME ON, and make my heart beat fast."

The feelings you are talking about are the things that happen in the beginning of a relationship, during the infatuation phase. Whether you have it in the beginning or not, it generally doesn't last forever. As time goes on you get used to each other and you have to conjure up any spark if there is going to be one.

I've been with my husband for almost 10 years. I love him. We are very compatable. We are commited to spending our lives together.

Does my heart beat fast when I see him? No. It did when we were first together, but not for a long time now. I see him every day of my life. When we get home I am definitely happy to see him and I give him a kiss, but I don't get butterflies or anything. When one of us is gone for awhile we miss each other and occasionally when I have been on a particularly taxing business trip, I cry a little bit when I hug him.

Does he seriously turn me on? Not really. I am attracted to him and we have a decent sex life, but I see the man in his underwear everyday. There is no mystery about what he has to offer, you know? We spice things up and that can be fun, but it's all physical and playful.

Our love is A LOT deeper than mere sexual attraction and fast heart beats. I think that a lot of people miss this because they believe that unless they are all hot to trot for each other that the love is gone or they are miss matched when really they are just living life and have gone beyond lust, which is really just a shallow type of love.

I hope this makes sense because I would hate for you to throw away a good relationship and family stability for your son just to chase something you think other people have in their marriages.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Thu, 03-18-2004 - 7:08pm
How sad that nobody who replied to you believes in or has found passion that lasted. Even so, it exists. My spouse and I are best friends and passionate lovers, still, after many many years of marriage. I still enjoy looking at his body as he walks around in his underwear every day. :-) The respect and deep bond we share is part of the passion and turn on. IMO you'd be settling to live your life without being in love with your partner, but I guess that opinion is based on knowing how it feels to have so much more than a comfortable room mate relationship. No, the starry-eyed swooning doesn't last, but it can be replaced with something better and more exciting when you're with the right person. It takes more than love alone to keep two people fully satisfied, fullfilled and happy in a relationship FOR LIFE. Whether or not you're willing to settle is your call b/c it's your life. You have better than some, but I question marrying someone who you know isn't the right man for you and who knows you are not the right person for him. I'd advise NEVER to marry anyone if you have serious doubts about it. Those who do and walk down the aisle anyway seldom last, or at least never end up happy and content. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-23-2004
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 1:25pm
Thank you, fellow romantic. What I did not include is that the problem lies a little deeper than I had first expressed. I feel like I'm in a one sided relationship. I handle EVERYTHING and he cleans the house every other day and pretty much wants me to replace his mother. I support us for the most part and he sits and bitches about not having things. No.1 - I'm not materialistic and as long as I provide the necessities for my family I could care less about the extravagances, he is the TOTAL OPPOSITE. I think it boils down to totally different sets of values and I love him but we never see eye to eye on things of this sort. That's where I think I need to head out and find someone who has the same set of values that I possess and was raised the way that I was to truely be happy. I did not express this in my prior writings and that's my bad. I didn't quite know where I was coming from.

But I wanted to thank you for the romanticism! I love it and like to know that someone else out there is the same way!
Avatar for lucy4980
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-19-2004 - 1:52pm
This new information definitely changes things. From your first several posts it seemed that you and your SO were fairly compatable, but you were looking for some magical spark, some serious passion that wasn't there. If you don't even share the same values, then that is a different story.

If it was just the 2 of you, I would be saying to leave the man and find someone who you are totally in love with and not to settle for less. BUT, with your son in the picture, you have got to make decisions based on stability in his life. If you and your SO were compatable, had a healthy relationship, and the only thing that was missing was the elusive spark, then I would lean toward making things work for the sake of your kiddo. I know several couples who never had the spark, but have built terrific lives together. They are best friends, they are lovers, they are partners, and have been together for decades, but they also have compatible value systems. This doesn't sound like your relationship though. From what you have said, it seems like you are your SO are ONLY holding onto each other because of your son and other than this connection, you have nothing.

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