Do I need professional help?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Do I need professional help?
4
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 4:22pm
Hello All..

I'm a 30 year old, attractive and independent woman. I have a job that I love, and I'm a single parent to a 9 year old boy. I'm happy with life, and I have alot of goals and aspirations for myself.

But I have a problem.

I believe I might be a commitment phobic, and I'm unsure as to how to go about "solving" this dilemma. It appears to happen with romantic relationships aLOT. For instance, all of my life I've had a pattern of getting involved and then walking away. 9/10 it's me that does the leaving, and usually because I'm feeling "smothered" or overwhelmed. Being responsible for someone else's feelings is a big job! I also want the freedom to go and do as I please. Of course this doesn't work out very well as I also really really want the companionship and intimacy of someone else in my life. I "do" want a partner, I think perhaps my ideas are all messed up about what that entails. I enter into a friendship, and then romance, with a perfectly nice man, and then little by little I begin to pick things apart, does he talk with his hands or too loudly? What's that little mole on his cheek? Is his front tooth crooked? Does he eat too much? Little by little it begins to build up until finally I can't handle being around him anymore, and have to exit. I've always said that I wasn't willing to "settle", but then I wonder if perhaps what I'm looking for just doesn't exist? I believed that I would be swept off of my feet, by someone that was perfect for "me". Someone with all the qualities I wanted rolled into one package, the sense of humour, the attractiveness, the ability to care for himself, confidence, athletic, etc. etc etc. And I "do" find men with man of those qualities, but they might be lacking one or two, and I don't like their haircut. I realize this sounds horribly superficial....and I'm not a superficial person at all! (This is why I drive myself crazy). In some ways I wonder if I fear commitment or marriage based on the belief that so much of my life will have come to an end when I take that step. Like part of who I am is defined by "The Search".

When it comes to employment, I have had a string of fulfilling jobs, but even now, I work at 2 or 3 different part time positions because I can't commit myself to just one line of work. I'm an EMT who also teaches on the side, and works another position for a non profit agency, all related work, but different roles.

I've lived in 9 different cities in the last 9 years because I can't seem to find one that I like the best. I view my future as one full of moves, different situations, different jobs and different men. At the same time I feel as though I'm simply sabatoging myself or running away from things.....

It's only lately that I've begun to consider that I may indeed have a psychological problem of some sort, that requires help.

I'm wondering what your thoughts are on this? Especially those of you that are happily married or in a long term relationship. Thank you so much in advance!!!

~Shauna

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 10-02-2004 - 5:54pm
The fact that you've lived in 9 different cities in 9 years is the biggest indication to me that you do indeed have commitment issues. I think it's a very overused term, but people who truly have commitment issues have them in pretty much EVERY area of their life, not just in r'ships.

Have you read "He's Scared, She's Scared" by Steven Carter? I would recommend that you do. Finding something trivial to dislike about someone you are growing close to is another classic sign.

He pretty much states that people don't get over commitment issues without counseling, and having been involved with a true c'phobe for 4 years (which demonstrated my own ambivalence about commitment--what Carter calls "passive" c'phobia), I would agree. I went for my own issues and found it tremendously helpful. I am a firm believer that counseling is a great tool for personal growth and change.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 3:13pm
Thanks alot for your reply Sheri,, I wrote down the name of the book He's Scared, She's Scared, and I'm going to phone Chapters this afternoon to see if they carry it. I appreciate your input (and your non wishy washiness!)

Thanks, again, Lil
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 10-03-2004 - 4:06pm
hey shauna, i was just wondering - have you ever been diagnosed with any learning disabilities? ADD or ADHD? have you ever had problems in school? academically or socially? I was just wondering - and no offence - some people get really huffy when it is suggested that they might have LD, but some of the things you said could be in line with LD or ADHD.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2004
Mon, 10-04-2004 - 2:30am
Well, a psychologist is a good idea but here's a another one also. I had a friend that was in a very similar pattern as you. She went to a shrink that was young and very sharp and full of ideas. He gave her a list of things to do to help get her to step back from herself. He said that sometimes we get so deep into our own heads and phobias that we need to do something in order to step back and take a breath without examining everything. She kept seeing him but finally picked off the list and did something totally bizarre to her: she joined habitat and started swinging a hammer and building houses for someone else. She met dozens of guys but there was no pressure for a relationship. The work was wierd for her as she was used to stitting at a computer. Several years passed and she began to really like the city she was in. She had moved 11 times before that. She began to enjoy people without feeling cornered. She no longer felt she had to "fit in" societys idea of the girl in a proper suit with the fiance and the picket fence. She felt free. Last I heard she was still in the same place and had a man in her life. And she does'nt even mind his bald spot and favorite T shirt with a hole in it. Before she would have dumped him. The shrink helped, the muddy clothes and calluses helped in a way too. The thing is she stopped feeling cornered and no longer needed to find perfection in anything or everything. We live in a society that pressures us to have the biggest t.v., the most adjusted kids, the perfect pumped body, the shinyest hair etc. Sometimes you just have to step away from it all and just breathe.