Do I really want to save my relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Do I really want to save my relationship
2
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 5:07pm
I'm involved in an affair, despite being married for 12 years, and am not completely sure I want to save my relationship, yet am improving it almost daily because of my affair.

My H and I have been having lots of problems, and I have become involved for the last couple of months, in an affair with a close friend of mine.

I don't feel any guilt over my affair, and do not want it to end. Neither do I want my marriage to end. I realise that I can't have my cake and eat it, but at the moment that's exactly what I seem to be doing.

I love my H in my way, and we have some great kids. Our relationship has not been good - he is very controlling, and I have realised recently how he has been undermining me and moulding me to his way for years.

The reason I have realised this is because of my affair. This has given me the confidence to question all the things I have been unhappy with for years, and the courage to push my husband into discussing them. As a result my marriage has been slowly improving. My husband is starting to acknowledge his faults, and the fact that I am not happy, and haven't been for some time. He still refuses to go for counselling, or to allow me to, but things are getting better.

Couple this with my affair which allows me the distance from my marriage that I have needed, and I am happier than I have been for ages. My affair is emotional and physical - we were friends for years before anything happened, but we both acknowledge that it is for as long as it lasts, and that if either of us want, it can go back to friendship whenever we say.

I'm not guilty about my affair - it is my way of coping with my marriage. I am just questioning what would happen if my husband did ever find out about it. He would leave me, and probably try to take my children away from me. I know he would be very vindictive - he has been with other family members over far more trivial things than this. I know my children would be stuck in the middle. I know I would be left with as little as possible. yet still I continue with my affair.

Am I on a self destructive path? Do I have that little self respect?

Or am I making the best of my situation in the only way I can?

If it wasn't for the children, I am sure we wouldn't be married by now. But we are, and it is because of the children that we remain that way. Do I really want my marriage to work? Am I being selfish? What should I do?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 5:32pm
::He still refuses to go for counselling, or to allow me to, but things are getting better.

Considering that you are an adult, I'm surpised that you ALLOW him to prevent you from going to counseling. Even free counseling is available in each county in the United States, if that is where you live.

As for the affair, sounds like you have rationalized it to make your choices and behavior acceptable to you. You won't get much support for it here.

Reading material:

Question: I’m 49 years old, currently single, and having an affair with a married man. He’s 53 and neither of us has ever done such a thing in the past. I don’t believe he has any divorce plans and I’m not looking for him to. And I am ethically opposed to such marital betrayal. Seems to me this will eventually end with emotional pain — mine, his, maybe hers. Why, in your opinion, are two intelligent people taking such a risk? I just don’t seem to have the resolve to stop this.

Answer: Have you ever had a moment you just wanted to freeze and keep forever? Maybe it was a great conversation, a meal, a sunset, or some moment of bliss that you never wanted to end. In the back of your mind, you knew it would be gone soon. Maybe you went so far as to try and preserve it even though you knew that was impossible. But change is the most inevitable thing we face — everything changes.

It sounds to me like you’re trying to preserve this relationship against all odds. And, in so doing, you shed light on some of the most compelling reasons that people have affairs.

THE COCAINE OF ROMANCE

An affair is a relationship out of space and out of time. Although it is bound to end (everything does), an affair holds an implicit denial that it is vulnerable to the same forces as all other normal relationships.

Affairs are the cocaine of romance, always promising that initial rush and trying to eternally preserve the infatuation stage. Add to that the intrigue, secrecy and ever-present risk of getting caught, and you have a very powerful aphrodisiac. Maybe that is why infidelity is so common. Studies have found that approximately 25 percent to 37 percent of married men and 15 percent to 20 percent of married woman admit to having had extramarital sex at least once. It is likely that these numbers are actually much higher since those who engage in these dalliances are, by definition, accustomed to concealing the truth.

In addition to getting hooked on the juice of hormones, endorphins and adrenaline, we find several other themes that make affairs so compelling:

Control. No one wants to be the yo-yo; everyone wants to be the string. The closer someone is to you, the less control you have since true intimacy requires surrender. But an affair keeps the string in your hand because it is inherently limited. Even though you both are doing things you probably don’t want to do, when it comes to the big enchilada — namely commitment — you are safe.

Fear of intimacy. This is the fear of being truly seen. Affairs keep people stuck in the “early relationship” stage where everyone is on their best behavior, says please and thank you, and shaves the appropriate parts of their respective bodies.

Putting this kind of energy into being on your best behavior is all well and good, but not when it’s in the service of hiding your true self. Many people believe there are parts of themselves so unacceptable that to have them seen will inevitably result in them being rejected. Their solution: don’t ever relax, hope, or truly get involved with another person.

In addition to keeping you at a “safe distance,” an affair gives you the extra bonus of keeping your life intact so that when you are inevitably dumped, you haven’t lost anything. It’s like flying a flight simulator — you get all the thrills and none of the risk. Great solution, if only it was real.

Emotional claustrophobia. Some people feel that settling down with another person confines them too much. So affairs are great because there’s none of that forever stuff and there is always a way out.

Committed relationships can unleash a torrent of doubt. People wonder, “Is this it? Is this the person I’m going to spend the rest of my life with, who I’m going to retire with, who I’m going to die with?”

A committed relationship can also bring up all kinds of other unpleasant questions, such as, “Would I have been happier with my high school sweetheart?” or “I don’t see rockets — is this all love is?” or “Am I now on a collision course with retirement and death?”

An affair is like a fountain of youth. It encourages you to believe that your options are still open, more love might still happen, and you are still young and living a life of continuous adventure. By the way, if this doesn’t do it for you, heroin provides a similar effect.

Fear of success. This one is especially true for women. Face it, if you were involved with an available man he might just love you back and there would be no inherent reason for the relationship not to work out. You would get what you probably don’t feel that you deserve: unadulterated love. But with an affair, no matter how wondrous it feels, it is inherently flawed and limited.

FACING THE INEVITABLE END

Instead of obsessing about how you know you should stop the affair, think about what it is you are avoiding by staying in it. By continuing the affair, you’re missing out on a real relationship that is vulnerable to all the vicissitudes of time and place. In a real relationship, you could be with someone forever, but at times may not wish to be with him for another day. You seem to wonder whether you should or even can end this affair. But if you were truly happy, you would be writing love letters instead of SOS e-mails.

Stop deceiving yourself — try as you might to preserve it, the affair, like everything else, will end one way or the other. And when it does, there will be plenty of emotional pain to go round, as you point out. Definitely his, definitely hers, and definitely yours. What you don’t directly say in your letter is that the violation of your own morals is already causing you anguish, so it’s too late to prevent pain. What you still have a choice about is how bad the pain will be. (Hint — the longer the affair goes on, the worse it will hurt when it ends.)

The kicker about affairs is that they are based on deception and the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior. If he can lie to his wife, he can lie to you. And if you can deceive others, you can deceive yourself.

So take a deep breath, face the answer you knew before you wrote your letter, and take your chances with real love. It won’t last forever, but if you’re lucky it will last a lifetime.

David Marcus, Ph.D., of the San Jose Marital and Sexuality Centre.



Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 04-19-2004 - 7:00pm
'If it wasn't for the children, I am sure we wouldn't be married by now. '

What favors are you doing them by teaching them about lying, respect, control, love, how to treat others and be treated, fidelity, happiness, etc? They learn by observing. You have a way of raltionaling don't you?