do i stay or go
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do i stay or go
| Tue, 09-14-2004 - 5:39am |
HELP!!! I have been married for 13 years, and had an affair last year which i felt guiltly about later on and told him about it - i offered to leave our home but he wanted me to stay. Again this year i started having another brief affair but have not told him. We have no children so that is not the problem, But i do not know if i should come clean or not and should i stay or go. I also need to mention that we have not had any kind of sexual relationship in 6 years. He have a beautiful home & both work full time & make a good living and i don't think i want to give up my house and start over. This whole thing has got me crazy and several people in town know of the last affair. He is not abusive or hurtful physically to me in any way But there is something not right here.

What you need to do is get a divorce. You obviously have no desire to be with this man, or you wouldnt continuously have an affair.
Quite frankly, since you are the one having affairs on your husband, you should have to be the one to leave the home and find another place to live. Why should this be easy for you? Do you think your affairs are easy on your husband?
Anyway, I suspect the reason he urged you to stay the first time is because he wanted to give you a second chance. YOU are the one that cheated on him so it was your feelings that changed toward him, he didn't have anyone on the side, he thought you just loved him and were being faithful, so he still loves you and wants to work things out. However, a second time? No matter how brief...if my husband had sex with someone else but it only took 10 minutes, it's still an affair and all of the motives and feelings are still there. Just because you aren't having sex doesn't give you the right to cheat on him and then walk all over him and stay because you like your house.
You said "He is not abusive or hurtful physically to me in any way But there is something not right here." I think I know what isn't right. You stopped having sex, and then you had an affair, and then he forgave you and you had another affair. That might give anyone the feeling that something isn't quite right. Do yourself a favor and leave him and DO start a new life, because you both deserve to be happy. He might beg you to stay, but chances are you'll just have another affair and be back here asking the same questions. Get a divorce, let him find a faithful loving person, and you do the same, find someone that you don't feel you need to cheat on. Find someone with a huge giant sex drive...since this is all you seem to have a problem with in your marriage. You want something different, so go get it, but don't mut an innocent man in the middle.
It's not really possible to really know what to do in your situation having read only a paragraph - after all, you're in the situation, and you're not sure, either, right? But you are obviously unhappy, and something needs to change. I assume you are posting on the "relationship saver" board because you want to save your relationship? How did your husband react when you told him about the first affair? Did you talk with him about why you are unfulfilled in your marriage? What do you think has changed over the course of your relationship - is it something that could be worked on?
I do think infidelity is not the answer. I understand that a divorce is a huge change, and very sad for anyone who entered a marriage in love and hope, but sometimes it is the answer. You do owe it to yourself to stop cheating on him, and either work through your problems or go your separate ways. An unhappy marriage isn't fair to anyone. Will you husband go to counseling with you?
Mary
You were wondering if you should "come clean" about the affair or keep it to yourself. Since you mention later on in your message that several people in town know of your affair, I would suggest you consider how you'd like your husband to learn of your most recent infidelity. Would it be better for him to hear this from you, or would it be better for him to hear through the grapevine and then deal with his reaction at that point?
As far as wondering if you should divorce or not, I think your affairs probably give you an indication of where your heart, mind, and/or body are at. It doesn't sound like it's in your marriage with your spouse.
Again...sorry about my post. I get so mad when other people do that, and then I just did it. Good luck.