do i stay or go

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
do i stay or go
8
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 5:39am
HELP!!! I have been married for 13 years, and had an affair last year which i felt guiltly about later on and told him about it - i offered to leave our home but he wanted me to stay. Again this year i started having another brief affair but have not told him. We have no children so that is not the problem, But i do not know if i should come clean or not and should i stay or go. I also need to mention that we have not had any kind of sexual relationship in 6 years. He have a beautiful home & both work full time & make a good living and i don't think i want to give up my house and start over. This whole thing has got me crazy and several people in town know of the last affair. He is not abusive or hurtful physically to me in any way But there is something not right here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
In reply to: idmr62
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 8:49am

What you need to do is get a divorce. You obviously have no desire to be with this man, or you wouldnt continuously have an affair.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: idmr62
Tue, 09-14-2004 - 11:35am
I agree that you need to divorce. While I agree that 6 years in a sexless marriage is not "right," I can tell you that looking outside your marriage is not right either! Not having sex is usually a sign of other things that are problems in your marriage. By the way, I was married for 9 years...the last 6 were sexless. I am someone who has a high drive. Know what? I never cheated on my spouse.

Quite frankly, since you are the one having affairs on your husband, you should have to be the one to leave the home and find another place to live. Why should this be easy for you? Do you think your affairs are easy on your husband?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-14-2004
In reply to: idmr62
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 5:51am
Laziness & money have nothing to do with it, as i work 50+ hrs. a week and make more money then he does. Also when WE 1st bought this house 12 years ago i was the one who made all the monthly mortage payments and all other bills for the 1st 2 years. Also i did not say it was ok just because kids are not involved-i was just mentioning that there were no kids involved. And i did tell him about the 1st time and was willing to leave but he did not want me to go. And yes i am going to counseling.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
In reply to: idmr62
Wed, 09-15-2004 - 6:51pm
Okay, first I have to defend the cl here because you DID say "We have a beautiful home & both work full time & make a good living and i don't think i want to give up my house and start over." that's pretty much the only reason you gave for not wanting to leave him. You didn't say you love him, you didn't say ANYthing but that you don't want to have to start over. Which is actually pretty selfish. YOU are unfaithful to HIM and you think that it's fair for you to want to breeze through life and live comfortably and HE has to live with all this pain? As to the lazy part, I don't think she meant that you just sit on your butt all day doing nothing. I think she meant that since you said you don't want to start over...that would take effort...that makes it seem like you are too lazy to get out because you don't want to work for a new life.

Anyway, I suspect the reason he urged you to stay the first time is because he wanted to give you a second chance. YOU are the one that cheated on him so it was your feelings that changed toward him, he didn't have anyone on the side, he thought you just loved him and were being faithful, so he still loves you and wants to work things out. However, a second time? No matter how brief...if my husband had sex with someone else but it only took 10 minutes, it's still an affair and all of the motives and feelings are still there. Just because you aren't having sex doesn't give you the right to cheat on him and then walk all over him and stay because you like your house.

You said "He is not abusive or hurtful physically to me in any way But there is something not right here." I think I know what isn't right. You stopped having sex, and then you had an affair, and then he forgave you and you had another affair. That might give anyone the feeling that something isn't quite right. Do yourself a favor and leave him and DO start a new life, because you both deserve to be happy. He might beg you to stay, but chances are you'll just have another affair and be back here asking the same questions. Get a divorce, let him find a faithful loving person, and you do the same, find someone that you don't feel you need to cheat on. Find someone with a huge giant sex drive...since this is all you seem to have a problem with in your marriage. You want something different, so go get it, but don't mut an innocent man in the middle.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
In reply to: idmr62
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 12:49pm
Sorry about the other posters bashing you for the infidelity. There is a strong tendency on this board to find fault with the posters, it seems to me...

It's not really possible to really know what to do in your situation having read only a paragraph - after all, you're in the situation, and you're not sure, either, right? But you are obviously unhappy, and something needs to change. I assume you are posting on the "relationship saver" board because you want to save your relationship? How did your husband react when you told him about the first affair? Did you talk with him about why you are unfulfilled in your marriage? What do you think has changed over the course of your relationship - is it something that could be worked on?

I do think infidelity is not the answer. I understand that a divorce is a huge change, and very sad for anyone who entered a marriage in love and hope, but sometimes it is the answer. You do owe it to yourself to stop cheating on him, and either work through your problems or go your separate ways. An unhappy marriage isn't fair to anyone. Will you husband go to counseling with you?

Mary

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2004
In reply to: idmr62
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 3:04pm
Without "bashing" or "finding fault" with your infidelity, here are the answers to your original questions:

You were wondering if you should "come clean" about the affair or keep it to yourself. Since you mention later on in your message that several people in town know of your affair, I would suggest you consider how you'd like your husband to learn of your most recent infidelity. Would it be better for him to hear this from you, or would it be better for him to hear through the grapevine and then deal with his reaction at that point?

As far as wondering if you should divorce or not, I think your affairs probably give you an indication of where your heart, mind, and/or body are at. It doesn't sound like it's in your marriage with your spouse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-13-2004
In reply to: idmr62
Fri, 09-17-2004 - 4:04pm
I think I'm a big enough person to come clean about my faults. I just read my post again, and then the last 2 posts, and they are totally right. I don't know why I got so mean because that's not really me, maybe it was a reaction to whats going on in my life...which is still no excuse. Anyway, I'm sorry. What I REALLY think is that since you keep on searching for something else, maybe something else is what you really want/need and should find. Find out what makes you happy...talk to a counselor about why you really had the affairs. And yes, like the other posters said, tell him because when he finds out some other way, it will be 10 times worse.

Again...sorry about my post. I get so mad when other people do that, and then I just did it. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2004
In reply to: idmr62
Mon, 09-20-2004 - 9:46pm
Have you given any thought at all to working things out with your husband? You loved him once and he obviously loved you enough to forgive your first affair. It sounds like you have a lot to lose even without children. You say you are in counselling. Maybe you should go together and try to save this thing. If that's not what you want, do your husband a favor and divorce him -- you're not being fair to either of you if you stay without giving it 100%.