do i stay in this relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
do i stay in this relationship?
10
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:42am
I am 29 years old and thought that I had met the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I get along with him better than I have ever gotten along with anyone before, male or female. We are best friends. We enjoy each others company and never run out of things to talk about even at 3 oclock in the morning. He treats my son well; this is the kind of relationship I have been waiting for. We have only been "officially" together for 6 months and had originally started out as friends. When we first met he had a good job and his own place to live. At the time, he lived almost 100 miles away from where I live so when he came over for the weekend (his days off) and was called to work by his boss for an emergency he told his boss that he was at my home and had also planned to pick his boys up for the day and wouldn't be able to get there. He was fired for it. He then moved back to this area. His parents and children live in the area too. He was going to stay with his parents until he found another job. That was 3 months ago. He hasn't even tried to look for a job. In the beginning, he mentioned that he occasionally smoked pot (a couple of times a year). I agreed to that, since we were only friends I figured it wasn't any of my business as long as he never brought it to my home. It turns out that this is a bigger problem than I thought. According to one of his friends, he has always smoked pot several times a day for most of his adult life. He hasn't been able to keep a job due to any random drug testing. I come to find out that the reason that he hasn't bothered to look for a job is because he knows that he cannot pass a test. Him and I have the same goals and dreams in life and for our children, but his addiction is not only keeping him from getting a job, it has also become so important that all he wants to do is hang out with his friends and get loaded. I love him so much but refuse to live that lifestyle or expose my son to it. Do I give him an ultimatum or just cut my losses? According to his friend, this was the cause of the ruin of his last relationship. He is extremely intelligent, handsome, and has the best sense of humor of anyone I have ever met. He is very loving, caring, and affectionate and I hate to have to end the relationship. He didn't quit to save his relationship with his ex and I am sure he won't do it for me either but should i try?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 3:21am
Pretend you are reading my post. I am a mom. I am dating an addict who can't keep a job. He hasn't even been able to quit for his own family. I can't allow my kid to be in the car with him because he's stoned all the time. Do you think that I should try to get him to quit and make the relationship work?

What would your advice to me be?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 8:19am

to answer your question <<<He didn't quit to save his relationship with his ex and I am sure he won't do it for me either but should i try>>> in a nutshell : NO!!!!


he is an addict. being nice to get what he wants is part of being an 'addict'. and YOU may believe and think that HE is different and HE is not like the other addicts - but i assure you that he is. he has already proven to you that he lies about his addiction, you had to learn the truth from other people.


he even has you believing in him. for example, you say <<>> i would say again NO you DO NOT have the same goals and dreams because your goals include "acting like an adult" and his goals include "doing whatever i want to do". getting and keeping a job, developing a career, working hard and paying bills - these are all NOT part of his goals.


i am glad you are keeping your son away from him - now, keep YOU away from him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:05pm
I agree with everyone else and would add --- you can't talk to a drug (or someone under the influence of a drug) nor can you love them enough to save them from themselves....they have to want to change.

I vote: Cut your losses.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 12:32pm
Well, I guess it's unanymous. Cut your losses. And if nothing else please listen to me because I know from where I speak. When reading your post I really wanted to ask you if the guy you are dating's name is Chris. lol (my ex and we have two boys.) Probably just a coincidence though but anyway. He downplayed his addiction at first too. It was actually a daily habit....need! He justified it by saying to me, "When I smoke pot it relieves my stress and I'm easier to be around. Do you want me to just quit and be an a$$hole around you and the kids all the time?" What a justification, huh? But we did have kids and I felt inclined to make it work. (I was also rather young and VERY naive). So, he couldn't hold down a job. He lost at many job opportunities because of the drug testing. I made all the money. I took care of everything around the house and everything to do with our children. He kept giving me flimsy promises to change, to eventually quit smoking. Looking back I'm sure he would say whatever I wanted to hear just to pacify me.

And let me tell you that this only scratches the surface. The behaviors that can result from drug addiction (yes, even pot smoking) are horrendous and very difficult to deal with. He would drink too, and he cheated on me a few times. He lost his license. He did very irresponsible immature things while 'high'. One time he thought it would be funny to get back at some friend of his for something (drug related) by vandalizing his car and pi$$ing in his gas tank. He used my car to do this and after vandalizing the car he drove up and down the alley because he was desperate to see the reaction. Boy did he get a reaction: they recongized MY car and came to my place the next night and vandalized my car!!! His truck was two spots down from mine. I had to pay $800 to replace all the windows in my car and clean up all the glass inside even on our 2 year old son's car seat.

That is just one example of what kinds of behavior you can expect. It's not fun to deal with at all. My ex had his times where he was the sweetest thing on Earth. He'd be romantic, loving, we'd have great times together. But it certainly didn't cancel out all the damage he caused me and money he costed me. In the end, I booted him. And just as soon as I did, my life started improving for me and the kids. Now, I am with a wonderfully responsible man (never touched a drug in his life let alone a cigarette) and we are getting married and building a house. My ex is still smoking pot, living with some guy who sees him as being 'down on his luck' and is helping him out. He always finds someone to enable his lifestyle. He doesn't pay support for our three kids (we also have a little girl) and rarely comes to see them. When he does come to see them he promises to take them places but in the end he never has the money. It's very very sad.

So, did I convince you?

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 9:28pm
hello everybody. i have a similar problem to the girl who wrote the first post on this line. I am married to a heavy pot smoker, who often tries to hide it from me. I feel it makes him lazy, unmotivated, lethargic, obnoxious, rude, and PARANOID. He claims that it relaxes him and calms him down. He is able to keep his job because his boss smokes pot too and they sometimes get high all day together. I often come home from work (at 3:00, I am a teacher) to find him laying on the couch, stoned and drinking beers. It makes me SICK. I am 35 and he is 33, he has 2 boys from a previous girlfriend, and I do not think that this is behavior that an adult, let alone a father should portray. He often says that he is stopping and sometimes he does stop for a week or so, but he always goes back to it. He says that he needs my help and support in order to stop.I do not know how to help him. I do not want to be the reason that he stops, because I feel that he will blame me when he is having withdrawal. He does not take care of much around the house. I pay all of the bills and we live in a mess, neither of us really cleans up much. i have gotten to the point where I hate coming into the house because it is so unappealing. He does have good qualities too, which makes me not want to leave him. I really do not know what to do. Do you leave someone because of an addiction? I feel like he will feel like I gave up on him, and that i will hurt him so badly. I would welcome any advice. thanks.

Tamara

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 10:05pm
There is nothing you can do to help him. So you need to decide what YOU want. Is this something you are willing to continue to live with? If you don't want it then you don't have to have it. But, if your relationship with him is worth the problems associated with his drug use then it's your decision to stay with him and forever put up with his pot smoking.

Jennifer

"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-21-2003
Fri, 04-30-2004 - 10:47pm
I was in a similar situation with my ex. He would drink and smoke pot all the time. I am in the military and told him that I could NOT have that sort of thing in the house. He would tell his friends to feel free to roll up right in front of me and it even went so far as him getting violent with me when he couldn't find his stash. I threw it away one time and when he went crazy looking for it, I told him what I had done. He really went off the deep end and accused me of taking his stash everytime. And it always got ugly!

At the end of the day, getting away was the best thing I could have done, he was going to drag me down with him and possibley ruin my career. You can't change them, they obviously have no respect for themselves or you and the kids for that matter! You have to look at the big picture and say where is this going? I second what someone else said....can you trust this person with the kids? What happens when they are so stoned thast they pass out and the kids get into something and hurt themselves. If you don't want to leave for yourself...do it for the kids! I say LEAVE and FAST!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 2:14am
I see your point. I would tell you to offer to help him quit or to hit the road. Thank you for helping me see it from a different angle.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 2:38am
Wow! Sounds familiar. I think that the hardest thing for me is that I came from a relationship several years ago (my son's father) that was a complete nightmare. There were no drugs involved, but he just hated women. I had been single for 5 years because I didn't ever want to be involved again. When I met my boyfriend he was not like any other man I had ever met. Very respectful, polite, and always treats me with love and respect. I do not believe that he would ever hit me or my son. Maybe this is all part of a front that addicts put on as a deterrent for their flaw. I am not sure. I have heard the BS about "pot helps me relax" and "makes me easier to get along with" and the "down on his luck" crap. I do have to say in his defense that he is an excellent father and never misses his days that he gets his boys. On the other hand, an addict is an addict none the less. I guess I have my answer. Thank you for your reply.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 2:47am
I am not posting this to say that I have any advice, just to say that I know how you feel. The good qualities that they have are so good that you want to stay in the relationship. I have had to put that aside and ask myself if this habit is something that I am willing to deal with for the rest of my life. Do I want my son the be exposed to it so that maybe he eventually will go down the same road? And like you, do I always want to be the bread winner because my partner can't keep a job? I have had people tell me that if he can't help out financially by keeping a job and I am going to have to do it myself anyway then I need to get rid of him and now that I am saying it to someone else, it makes more sense. I wish you the best of luck in your decision. It is not an easy one. You have to do for yourself and what is best for your happiness. I am starting to see that I might need to take some of my own advice as well.