do i stay in this relationship?
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do i stay in this relationship?
| Fri, 04-30-2004 - 2:42am |
I am 29 years old and thought that I had met the man that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. I get along with him better than I have ever gotten along with anyone before, male or female. We are best friends. We enjoy each others company and never run out of things to talk about even at 3 oclock in the morning. He treats my son well; this is the kind of relationship I have been waiting for. We have only been "officially" together for 6 months and had originally started out as friends. When we first met he had a good job and his own place to live. At the time, he lived almost 100 miles away from where I live so when he came over for the weekend (his days off) and was called to work by his boss for an emergency he told his boss that he was at my home and had also planned to pick his boys up for the day and wouldn't be able to get there. He was fired for it. He then moved back to this area. His parents and children live in the area too. He was going to stay with his parents until he found another job. That was 3 months ago. He hasn't even tried to look for a job. In the beginning, he mentioned that he occasionally smoked pot (a couple of times a year). I agreed to that, since we were only friends I figured it wasn't any of my business as long as he never brought it to my home. It turns out that this is a bigger problem than I thought. According to one of his friends, he has always smoked pot several times a day for most of his adult life. He hasn't been able to keep a job due to any random drug testing. I come to find out that the reason that he hasn't bothered to look for a job is because he knows that he cannot pass a test. Him and I have the same goals and dreams in life and for our children, but his addiction is not only keeping him from getting a job, it has also become so important that all he wants to do is hang out with his friends and get loaded. I love him so much but refuse to live that lifestyle or expose my son to it. Do I give him an ultimatum or just cut my losses? According to his friend, this was the cause of the ruin of his last relationship. He is extremely intelligent, handsome, and has the best sense of humor of anyone I have ever met. He is very loving, caring, and affectionate and I hate to have to end the relationship. He didn't quit to save his relationship with his ex and I am sure he won't do it for me either but should i try?

What would your advice to me be?
to answer your question <<<He didn't quit to save his relationship with his ex and I am sure he won't do it for me either but should i try>>> in a nutshell : NO!!!!
he is an addict. being nice to get what he wants is part of being an 'addict'. and YOU may believe and think that HE is different and HE is not like the other addicts - but i assure you that he is. he has already proven to you that he lies about his addiction, you had to learn the truth from other people.
he even has you believing in him. for example, you say <<>> i would say again NO you DO NOT have the same goals and dreams because your goals include "acting like an adult" and his goals include "doing whatever i want to do". getting and keeping a job, developing a career, working hard and paying bills - these are all NOT part of his goals.
i am glad you are keeping your son away from him - now, keep YOU away from him.
I vote: Cut your losses.
Carrie
And let me tell you that this only scratches the surface. The behaviors that can result from drug addiction (yes, even pot smoking) are horrendous and very difficult to deal with. He would drink too, and he cheated on me a few times. He lost his license. He did very irresponsible immature things while 'high'. One time he thought it would be funny to get back at some friend of his for something (drug related) by vandalizing his car and pi$$ing in his gas tank. He used my car to do this and after vandalizing the car he drove up and down the alley because he was desperate to see the reaction. Boy did he get a reaction: they recongized MY car and came to my place the next night and vandalized my car!!! His truck was two spots down from mine. I had to pay $800 to replace all the windows in my car and clean up all the glass inside even on our 2 year old son's car seat.
That is just one example of what kinds of behavior you can expect. It's not fun to deal with at all. My ex had his times where he was the sweetest thing on Earth. He'd be romantic, loving, we'd have great times together. But it certainly didn't cancel out all the damage he caused me and money he costed me. In the end, I booted him. And just as soon as I did, my life started improving for me and the kids. Now, I am with a wonderfully responsible man (never touched a drug in his life let alone a cigarette) and we are getting married and building a house. My ex is still smoking pot, living with some guy who sees him as being 'down on his luck' and is helping him out. He always finds someone to enable his lifestyle. He doesn't pay support for our three kids (we also have a little girl) and rarely comes to see them. When he does come to see them he promises to take them places but in the end he never has the money. It's very very sad.
So, did I convince you?
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
Tamara
Jennifer
"Oh, that you would bless me indeed, and enlarge my territory, that Your hand would be with me, and that You would keep me from evi
At the end of the day, getting away was the best thing I could have done, he was going to drag me down with him and possibley ruin my career. You can't change them, they obviously have no respect for themselves or you and the kids for that matter! You have to look at the big picture and say where is this going? I second what someone else said....can you trust this person with the kids? What happens when they are so stoned thast they pass out and the kids get into something and hurt themselves. If you don't want to leave for yourself...do it for the kids! I say LEAVE and FAST!