do i tell?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
do i tell?
7
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 3:06pm

My best friend has been with this guy 3 years, was always a pretty good rl but he did cheat on her (once to her knowledge). They reconciled after about 5 months and things seem to be going pretty well till he told her a stupid white lie and because trust was an issue, she ended things.

Fast forward a year...after almost a year apart, they once again reconciled. He was miserable without her and begged for another chance, since the breakup was not over a second round of cheating- it was actually something that otherwise would prob have just caused a small fight- she has given him another chance.

Well I found out last week that he cheated on her again when they reconciled. Like 3 times with one girl- who was involved with someone else, so it was purely a physical thing. Things ended with this hookup, and of course then my friend and him broke up for almost a year...and the entire time they were broken up he did not hook up with anyone. He told his friends he had learned how hard it was to be without her and he woudl never do it again to her.

Now what do I do? I know this information, which would surely end this RL. Yet, for a year he has been "faithful" even though they weren't together and he had no reason to be, in an attempt to make a personal change. Do I hope he has made that change, since he seemed to hold back when he didnt' have to...or do I blow this wide open?

Harboring this information is absolutely horrible. I need advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: xxlostgirlxx
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 7:05pm

That's a hard one... turn it around, what if you were in your best friends shoes, would you want her to tell you if she had this info or would you rather her keep it to herself?

Knowing that he is a repeat offender, and this relationship hasn't been good from the start. The breaking up and getting back together (that is not a good relationship), he has cheated on and lied to her more than once (usually cheating takes counseling to work through the issues so that it isn't repeated). Do you actually believe he has learned his lesson this time? I wouldn't (since he has repeated his behavior), but whether or not you tell her is your decision.

You need to do what you think is the right thing to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
In reply to: xxlostgirlxx
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 7:46pm
If you are POSITIVE that this information is true and can provide reasonable proof (because your friend wants to believe that her boyfriend has been faithful and will naturally want to reject any accusation against him)... I think you know the answer. You'd want to know too, wouldn't you? I'd be very resentful to a friend who withheld information from me that would have given me the chance to make the best decision for myself.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
In reply to: xxlostgirlxx
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 7:48pm

Yes I think i would want to know. But I am confident he will deny this information and it will put me in the middle. Since this girl also has a bf, its not like she would ever admit it if my friend confronted her either. Then I'll be the brunt of their new set of problems

meanwhile he is sleeping around- and who knows if he uses any protection. Its all drunken college sex. He tells his freinds how much he loves her; but when he gets drunk and horny it was another story.

I know guys outgrow this (well hopefully) and the fact he has kept his pants on for a year- when he was actually free to roam- does make me wonder if by chance he is growing up and realizing he is risking losing her. It is a possiblity...but then I slap myself in the head and say "dont be an idiot"

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
In reply to: xxlostgirlxx
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 7:50pm
the only proof I can really provide is her name and the semester....but at least I have a name. That should be enough proof, rather than heresay. But as I said above, I have a feeling it is going to impair this friendship if I come forward
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2007
In reply to: xxlostgirlxx
Tue, 08-19-2008 - 8:23pm
If you know it is true...and you tell her, it might impair you friendship for a little while, but if she is truly your best friend things will get back to where they were or even better. She doesn't deserve to be cheated on and lied to (he has did it more than once which says a lot about his lack of character) if you do tell her just be straight with her and she will make up her mind on how to proceed, all you can do is be there for her when/if it hits the fan. Good luck
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-04-2008
In reply to: xxlostgirlxx
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 2:23pm

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Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: xxlostgirlxx
Wed, 08-20-2008 - 2:52pm
If you only know the hookup's name and the semester, how do you know for a fact that he hooked up with her?