Do i tell him?
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Do i tell him?
| Wed, 07-18-2007 - 4:11am |
Hi, my boyfriend and I are in an exclusive relationship for some time now.
We were dating for a year (and invested true feelings) before we finally made our relationship official.
The period that we were still dating, I made a mistake of having sex with his best friend (who is my ex before him)one time when we had a huge fight. It was a mistake, I regret it and I swear that I will never ever do such things again because I realized that it was so wrong and I really am sorry for doing that. I am very much happy with my boyfriend now. I love him so much. And I cannot entertain the idea of doing such things again...ever.
Do I still need to tell him this? Or some things are better left untold?
I need a mature advice.
We were dating for a year (and invested true feelings) before we finally made our relationship official.
The period that we were still dating, I made a mistake of having sex with his best friend (who is my ex before him)one time when we had a huge fight. It was a mistake, I regret it and I swear that I will never ever do such things again because I realized that it was so wrong and I really am sorry for doing that. I am very much happy with my boyfriend now. I love him so much. And I cannot entertain the idea of doing such things again...ever.
Do I still need to tell him this? Or some things are better left untold?
I need a mature advice.

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Turn it around if you were in his shoes and he had sex with YOUR best friend when you had a fight (but not broken up) would you want him to tell you, and work together to have a honest and trusting relationship, or would you want to find out some other way knowing that he and your best friend lied to you for how ever long?
What happens when it does come out, because eventually it will. Things like that have a way of coming back to bite you. The mature decision would be to tell him, and try to work through it, yes he is going to be angry, hurt, and maybe he loves you enough to work on it. Honesty, trust and respect are 3 of the most important things in a relationship. If you don't have those you really don't have much of a relationship.
Good luck
Welcome to the board izzy_red,
While I believe that you should be honest with your partner, there is nothing good that could come of you telling your bf that you slept with his friend. I would keep quite unless you are afraid that someone else might tell him.
glitter-graphics.com
first off, how can you ever be comfortable that his 'best friend' will not tell him?
i would tell my best friend. especially if i thought there was any chance of that friend was seriously considering a long term relationship.
next, if you really love this man, how can you let him live in such a relationship? how can you live in a long-term relationship with the fear that this comes out?
finally, i have to say i don't believe you and feel if the situation presented itself again, when you get in a big fight in the future (and you will), that you will repeat what you have already done once. because, really, what have you done to understand (and therefore change) how you react/behave. nothing.
"when you get in a big fight in the future (and you will), that you will repeat what you have already done once. because, really, what have you done to understand (and therefore change) how you react/behave. nothing."
That's an extremely unfair assumption to make.
having been on the other side...this is a tough one. My bf had a one night stand and never told me...someone else did several months later. 8 months later I can tell you that the fact he LIED to me is devastating. I probably would've broken things off had he told me himself- and that in fact is why he did not tell me. But being more experienced now, I would hope if it happens in the future, he tells me and lets me make a decision based on what facts I have. I am very insecure right now because although I am sure he has learned his lesson...he lied, he lied, he lied. The lying almost bothers me more than the fact he cheated.
I also believe it may come out some day..its a gamble but if it DOES come out, you are going to wish you had been honest today.
good luck with your decison, sorry I could not be of more help
okay then...tell why it is unfair to assume that someone will repeat a behavior when they have done nothing to change how they will react.
you believe people just because they tell you they will behave differently than they have in the past. i go on the past behavior not the words they say.
Because for a lot of people, just the act of living with the guilt after a mistake like that is enough to snap them out of it. Besides, she slept with someone else before they decided to start a relationship, which isn't cheating.
I've been in her shoes before and to say that I could ever repeat my mistake again is impossible. It was a horrible experience that I would never in my life repeat. You don't have to believe that people can change without going through years of therapy, but to admonish someone and lecture her that she WILL make the same mistake again is extremely uncalled for.
for a minority the guilt may be enough - for many it isn't enough - it isn't even a factor.
i didn't lecture her or admonish her; i only shared my perception and opinion. if it doesn't strike a cord in her (as it has you) then how i feel will not matter to her. she knows her own truth - as you do yours and as i do mine.
i didn't know i said anything about years of therapy for her - only that she should spend time understanding why she would do what she did.
this comment of yours: Besides, she slept with someone else before they decided to start a relationship, which isn't cheating.
thanks for the lol. I guess that settles it- if it isn't cheating then i guess she doesn't have to tell.
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