Do i tell him?
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Do i tell him?
| Wed, 07-18-2007 - 4:11am |
Hi, my boyfriend and I are in an exclusive relationship for some time now.
We were dating for a year (and invested true feelings) before we finally made our relationship official.
The period that we were still dating, I made a mistake of having sex with his best friend (who is my ex before him)one time when we had a huge fight. It was a mistake, I regret it and I swear that I will never ever do such things again because I realized that it was so wrong and I really am sorry for doing that. I am very much happy with my boyfriend now. I love him so much. And I cannot entertain the idea of doing such things again...ever.
Do I still need to tell him this? Or some things are better left untold?
I need a mature advice.
We were dating for a year (and invested true feelings) before we finally made our relationship official.
The period that we were still dating, I made a mistake of having sex with his best friend (who is my ex before him)one time when we had a huge fight. It was a mistake, I regret it and I swear that I will never ever do such things again because I realized that it was so wrong and I really am sorry for doing that. I am very much happy with my boyfriend now. I love him so much. And I cannot entertain the idea of doing such things again...ever.
Do I still need to tell him this? Or some things are better left untold?
I need a mature advice.

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thank you for your comments.
i so love him and our relationship now...
and i would do anything to protect it.
though we were still dating then when i did it,
it was a one horrible mistake (like eating a rotten food)
and i know for myself that i learned from that mistake,
the guilt that i'm feeling makes me realize that i have been punished myself,
but the level of guilt is not enough for me to risk my relationship with him now.
again, i will do anything to protect my relationship.
no one is perfect, and everyone, once in their lives, had to lie for some reasons.
but i know it doesn't give me an excuse to do it again in the future.
I personally think it's a mistake not to tell. There are 2 (sometimes 3 i guess) people in this relationship and you have vital information (you slept with his "best friend") that he deserves and has the right to know. Doesn't he deserve to decide for himself whether he wants to be with a person who did what you did and if he can forgive you? You really think that low of him that he doesn't deserve to live his life and make his choices based on truth?
My husband cheated on me while we dated and I didn't find out until he cheated on me again in marriage (which he vowed not to do). Sadly, if he would have told me back then I probably would have ended the relationship, but at least he would have given me the respect I deserved by letting me make my own choices in MY life based on the whole truth.
I know you don't want to lose him, but I think not telling him shows your lack of respect and if he does find out he'll feel like you've been living a lie for years.
When you were "dating" were you free to see other people?
I hate to get technical like this, but if the two of you agreed to see other people during your dating period, then you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Izzy
I was told by someone else that my bf cheated....months after it happened. I don't think you will ever be in the clear, you will always live with wondering if his best friend is going to slip up (maybe while drinking or at his bachelor party, etc...) I'm sure my bf thought he was in the clear...but sadly someone found out and had the guts to let me know what had happened. Yes we broke up, but we are working on things. It is going to be a long time before they are the same, but hopefully we will regain everything. I know his guilt was killing him- like yours is- but I can't tell you how much i wish this information had come from HIM and not someone else. It makes me feel like a fool wondering who knew while I was walking around thinking he was someone he wasn't.
I would still probably have broken things off had he told me..but then again, maybe not. I always said cheating was a deal breaker and here we are working on the issue, so maybe had he been honest I would've seen things differently. All i know is that I would've had much more respect for him if he had been honest- his lying has cost him my respect and trust.
goodluck
I think you need to tell your BF.
If you BF finds out from someone else, he'll wonder why you didn't tell him. He'll wonder if you were hiding it because you thought you could get away with it. He'll question who else you may have slept with that he is unaware of and become highly suspicious.
You say you are feeling horrible and have learned your mistake. He needs to see this. Part of getting over a spouse/significant other cheating is knowing that they actually feel remorseful and take responsibility for their actions. If you don't tell him you cheated and he finds out - he won't see you taking ownership of the indiscresion. Not sure if this is making sense.
For your relationship to have a future it has to be based on trust. You may be together 20 yrs before this secret is revealed, at which point he'll feel the relationship was a lie. He will feel like a fool too because you and his friend have kept something hidden from him all that time.
The sooner you tell him the better. Yes, he may end the relationship, but I think in the long run you'll feel better getting this off your chest than trying to live daily worrying about your secret.
I would leave it alone. You were not official with your boyfriend,
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