Do I tell or keep it a complete secret
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Do I tell or keep it a complete secret
| Fri, 08-01-2008 - 2:34am |
Hi, I've been reading for a while and finally decieded to write because I need some advice.
about 2 months ago, my bf discovered that I had cheated on him in the past. Although it was the past, its still hurtful now. I know that I need to be honest from now on

Ouch. It seems you really need to be a lot more honest rather than cheating and lying. Do you think your boyfriend deserves this?
When you think you are sparing your boyfriend's ego by not telling him that you didn't have an orgasm, what you're really doing is a) LYING... Which is the least mature way to have a relationship, and b) setting him up for a harder fall when he does find out. If you have any hope for a future with him, did you ever really expect for this to be a secret forever? Especially if it's making you unhappy?
I do not know why he is still with you at all. When he found out you cheated on him, he should have left. You should consider yourself lucky that he hasn't, and use this as an opportunity to be the kind of girlfriend he would want you to be. That means telling him the truth if something is bothering you. Please understand that he deserves much better than lies and deceit. You say it's a "risk" but what you really mean to say is that once he finds out, he will have a choice to either leave or stay. Don't you think he should have that? You're using lies to trap him here and that's not right.
Yes you should tell him. Relationships are about honesty - if you don't have that you don't have anything worth saving anyway. Sorry if this post was harsh.
Actually, can I change my response? I think I read your post wrong.
You should absolutely NOT tell your boyfriend that this other guy made you orgasm. I thought you were faking it with your boyfriend and that's what was in question, sorry...
Keep the relationship you have between you, comparing him to other people will only hurt him.
You are right. The relationship is about honesty...but this was one thing that I wasn't sure about. I love this guy and I do consider myself VERY lucky because any other guy would leave. I have never faked an orgasm with my guy. As a matter of fact, although the other guy got me to do it once, I had to fake it with him because I began to realize how I began to degrade myself. I had to begin to stand up for something...
Thank you very much. Although this will not be said to him, I will remain as honest as I can. I want this to work and will do what I can to make sure that this never happens again.
Although you're post was harsh...a good majority of it was true...thank you!
Welcome to the board bikergal223,
No don't tell him.
There are two things going on here: 1)rebuilding your relationship and 2) exposing info about the affair.
In order to rebuild your relationship - you need to be honest with him about himself and how well the relationship works for you.
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There is absolutely no reason at all to tell him. It would be unnecessarily cruel and also make him feel inadequate compared to that guy. It would certainly backfire on your relationship.
Beyond that, it's important to know that whether or not you orgasm is not up to a guy. You yourself need to get to know your body, understand what it is that makes you orgasm and let the man you are making love to know what to do. This is taking responsibility for your own pleasure. It is not a matter of who is the better man - it's a matter of how "you" respond to one person or another...Find out what it is that you need and enjoy and help your boyfriend be the one who can please you in all ways.
Best wishes,
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"Beyond that, it's important to know that whether or not you orgasm is not up to a guy. You yourself need to get to know your body, understand what it is that makes you orgasm and let the man you are making love to know what to do. This is taking responsibility for your own pleasure. It is not a matter of who is the better man"
I think Dr Shoshanna rang the bell with this one:)