Do I trust him ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
Do I trust him ?
10
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 3:57am
We've been living together for a year now and we're engaged. He had an an earlier 'online' 5 year relationship, with a woman who avoided meeting him for all those 5 years but kept stringing him along. He said he realized how fake the relationship was if she avoided meeting him in real life and that he was just used by her sexually. But everytime I ask about her, he says he has no phone number, no address just a p.o.box #, he only has gifts (very expensive) that she gave him, all of which interestingly are things that don't work anymore, so he had no problem throwing them away. When I asked about the email account he used to talk to her, he says he used to chat online and the email he had got disconnected when he disconnected his yahoo dsl since dsl was linked to his yahoo mail account and when he cancelled dsl they cancelled his email account too, so there is no proof of all the emails they exchanged. I know I am probably overreacting, mainly because he is such a flirt in real life, which he has toned down, but, there is absolutely no proof of this woman he says he was 'with' for 5 years and I find that very strange. Especially because he keeps using that as proof that he will be faithful to me, since "look at how I was faithful to her for 5 years without even meeting her or knowing her phone no." Am I thinking too much or is it fishy that there is no proof at all ?

Another thing that bothered me, again this could be my imagination. He had a coworker where he worked, who he says was 'just a friend' since she was involved with another guy and still is. Well, she told him she had broken up with her boyfriend this January, but never told my fiance that they had got back together in Feb. He would pay her a lot of attention, but he said it was only because he had noone else to talk to and it was only about general topics. When I mentioned she should atleast know he is engaged, after we had a fight about it, he emailed her and bcc'd me. He told her he was engaged. She replied and was totally shocked. She said she had not seen it coming but was happy for him. But kept saying in emails that it was crazy and she did not see it coming. That week she quit her job saying that the boss's attitude was really bad and she had to look for another job. But a day after my fiance emailed her, he had gone to her department for some work. And he was gone for 2 hours. Everytime I called, he wasn't around. Finally when I got a hold of him and asked if he met her, he very strongly denied it, said he would never do that because another online girlfriend had cheated on him so he knew what that was like and he would never do that. But that same week that friend of his quit her job. And even though he forwarded me all her emails, I think, so I will know he was not having an affair with her (even she never told him she got back together with her boyfriend long ago). On her last day, even though when I asked he said yes she did email him, and he replied, and it was just normal best of luck with everything kinda email, he did not bcc me on it. And when I was upset and asked him to forward it to me if it was all innocent, he said he couldn't find it and he must have deleted it.

He is a nice guy. He loves me a lot. He says he will do anything to make our relationship and future marriage work. And why do I not trust him. He says he will never cheat on me because he knows what that is like. But then why was he disappeared for 2 hours after she was shocked that he was engaged. Why did she quit, even though she does have a boyfriend. And why did he not show me their final emails ?

We are getting married in a year, and I don't know if I am just nervous about it, or whether I should think about the above. I don't want to blow a chance at a great relationship because of my suspicions that maybe wrong. Everytime I talk about it I get the same answer from him. Please, help !!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sm05
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 12:22pm
sm05...

Pianoguy is convinced that if you have "suspicions" about your husband's fidelity now...these will grow EVEN GREATER prior to and after you say "I DO!" Put your marriage plans on hold until you can reconcile your head!

Don't wanna sound like I'm picking on you...BUT...you sound like "a watchdog" waiting for the 'wolf' to take off with one of the sheep grazing in the nearby field! You're just waiting to catch 'em and tell him: I KNEW YOU WERE CHEATING ON ME!

Here's something for all the ivillage ladies reading this. Almost ANY man who is constantly under survelliance by a wife, girlfriend, or even his Mother...will be tempted to take a little time away from you! He'll do this either by himself, with a few of his buddies, or perhaps with a different woman. "Verbal abuse" isn't worth the cohabitation.

In your situation, if his reasons (or excuses) for his past relationships make no sense to you...a marriage with him certainly won't! Take your time.

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sm05
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 1:15pm
I totally agree with Pianoguy and would add 2 more comments:

1 - You seem to want to dig into his past, searching for dirt that will provide proof and confirmation against one of your fears & insecurities. Remember, the past is the past and it can not be changed. There is nothing we can do about the past. Accept the past as it is and look at what is happening today and the future.

2 - What proof do you need to feel 100% satisfied that he is being faithful to you? Is it even possible for you to feel 100% satisfied in this situation? If the proof you need is unrealistic or impossible to provide, then I suggest you two get into Couples Counselling ASAP as there are deeper issues at hand.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
In reply to: sm05
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 1:21pm
Thank you Pianoguy. I appreciate your feedback. I know I sound like the kinda person I would run away from :) but it wasn't always like this. I began by trusting him, completely. But he did/said a lot of things that hurt me. But everytime I would mention that I need time away, I feel choked and I was just out of one relationship and needed time, he would sulk and say he would do anything to make me stay, and doesn't stop asking me about setting a date to get married. I had to finally just nicely say that I'm not ready and we need time, especially after I saw certain behavior incidents, like his refusal to let his female coworkers know that we're engaged, but continuing his flirty behavior (I found out indirectly and no I didn't even ask). That is when it started. Because I felt that by completely totally trusting him, not asking him anything about who/what he says to his female friends etc, I thought I had the right to expect he will atleast tell them he is engaged. He finally agreed, and mentioned it to them, but doesn't always mention it to new female friends. And incidentally, on our 'dates' he used to make me pay for everything, until we had 'discussions' about that, and I communicated that I cannot afford it and it wasn't fair and he said he would change and he did.

He's a niceguy, and I understand what you said. I didn't realize I am making him feel like he's watched. I'm going to change that. But if I hadn't seen that in the past few weeks, he has again started talking to his female acquaintances about his family, parents, childhood etc, and sharing their stories but never mentioning he is engaged (while at home he is the opposite with me, always talking about there is no pressure but about how we're getting married next year and plans about what we can do next).

I'm confused. If I give him too much space he took advantage of it. If I relax and ignore everything, am I letting him go too far away ? Is it that unfair to expect him to mention me when he talks about everyone in his life, his family etc to his female acquaintances ? What do I do, just remain silent ?

Sorry for taking up more time, just thought I'd let you know that you have a point, I understand. But I wonder what I should do about the above, talking doesn't help for beyond a few weeks at a time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
In reply to: sm05
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 1:25pm
Thank you for your reply too spice man. I just posted about why I still feel insecure. I suggested counselling since quite sometime but he just strongly says noway everytime I ask.

I truly do not want to be the 'always looking over your shoulder' person, because I would not like being with such a person either. But everytime he keeps doing that, omits mentioning he is engaged while talking about everything else in his life, family etc, I feel hurt and left out. His friends talk about their guys or ex-guys, he doesn't refer to me. But at home, with me he is the exact opposite. Which is why I'm confused. I do not want to stalk him but I do not know how to react.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sm05
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 2:15pm
Excellent - now we are getting somewhere! Lets peel back the onion skin a little further.

What I see is that you have a need for public announcement and assurance by your BF that you are engaged. Essentially what this does is place a sign around his neck that says "Taken - Off the market/Off limits". If he were to offer this assurance on a consistent and constant basis, then you would feel; Secure, Validated and Prioritized in your relationship with a strong sense of "belonging" to each other.

Is this a fair and accurate statement? If YES, then I suspect that your next question would be - "How do I get/make/encourage him to do this consistently without my asking/demanding he do so?"

What I wish for you to understand is that there is a fundamental difference between men and women when it comes to public declaration of our relationships. Men tend to keep relationship status and details private and amongst close friends and family only. Its not that we are trying to hide anything - its just that we are not as comfortable as women in sharing this information. Women tend to think - "if he does not publically acknowledge our relationship then he must not love me or be proud enough of me to acknowledge me to others." Part of this also comes from the fact that women wear an engagement ring as a visual symbol of the relationship. You don't have to say anything as people can SEE the visual indication. Not many men have or wear an engagement ring so there is no visual symbol.

OK, so now what do you do ...

1 - Find understanding and acceptance that there are fundamental differences between men and women on this issue and that it has nothing to do with the place you hold in his heart and life.

2 - Accept the reassurance he gives you privately as being the most meaningful declaration of his love for you - because it is.

3 - Seek compromise by asking him to not be afraid to acknowledge your relationship with the people that are close/important to him as those are the people that really matter. Strangers and co-workers really have no influence on his personal and private life with you.

Understanding and Acceptance are critical here. For you to get exactly what you want means that he needs to change a part of the core of his being. Sometimes it is more important to be happy than it is to be right.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: sm05
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 4:17pm
sm05...

Your second note to me reinforced the fact that neither one of you is ready for marriage.

YOU can't trust him...HE can't acknowledge you to the other women! While I'm sure you both make a terrific couple..."looking" is a lot easier than "being" one.

Unless YOU and HE have an HONEST meeting of the minds about each other---this "same old song and dance" the two of you are doing will continue indefinitely.

Sorry I can be more encouraging!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
In reply to: sm05
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 5:14pm
Trust your gut feeling.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
In reply to: sm05
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 6:02pm
Dears spiceman, pianoguy, itwinflame,

Thank you so much for your replies. I appreciate all of you taking the time to respond to all my posts.

Spiceman you hit the nail right on the head. Yes, that was exactly what I felt, just 'knowing that others know he's off the market'... that men and women are fundamentally different. Well I guess I'm grateful to have obtained a guy's perspective since none of my friends said/would have talked from that viewpoint. When I read your post, I kinda had to go to my room and think long and hard. I think I'm intelligent and should have been smart enough to have remembered, but didn't - he is not me. What I thought was stubborn, insensitive behavior was just confusion on his part perhaps. I also realized something important, before me, he never discussed his relationships with anyone. Not even with his friends. With me, when we became very good friends, he told me one of the things he valued was he could talk to me about relationships that he has never been able to before with anyone else. I didn't realize, that I'm it. Other than me, he still doesn't talk to anyone else.. :)

Well, since we're having a broken communication situation since a while, I let this sink in. And a little while ago I talked to him. And I let him know that I had a lot of insecurities and it was mostly cause I did not want to lose him to someone who hits on him not knowing he is taken. And that I did not realize that he's different and a guy and maybe guys just don't talk about their fiancees as much as his friends talk about their guys. And since I know he will not hurt me deliberately, I said I trust him and I realize that he was just being a guy and I do not want to suffocate him anymore. I'm going to accept who he is and stop making him feel watched. And it would mean a lot to me if he did acknowledge to his female friends, that he is 'taken' if they show too much interest in him, I am going to assume he will and not care anymore.

It was a long calm conversation and he seemed so happy.. and agreed that that was it. He just never had anyone other than me, to whom he mentioned his relationships. And that he knows now to mention he is engaged anytime anyone is interested in him, without letting them hit on him or be too friendly. He also replied to a 'friendly' person he knows, yesterday (I didn't know), and mentioned that 'his wife had said the same thing..blah blah'.. letting her know he was taken .

Sigh. It helped a lot to talk it out. He spoke about many things, about why he rushed me without realizing it. Why he felt it was so right with me, since day one. We've decided to work on this, I've stopped thinking about this and am going to accept him as he is, knowing he will not cheat on me. I don't think he will mention me everytime, but thats okay, because when someone is too 'interested' I know he will.

I think today morning, we were very close to falling apart as a couple. But right now, I feel closer to him, than I have since a long long time.

I'm sorry to make this post so long, but just want to say THANK YOU !!!!! Sometime an objective opinion helps so much, especially from the other genders point of view. Guess it just might be the reason we'll both be at the altar next year, knowing we trust each other and love each other even more for having confided and accepted each others viewpoint. That actually helps.. who knew ! :P

Again, Big Warm Hugs to you all.. esp. spiceman.. guess you can say you brought one more couple closer today .. :))))))))))) & again sorry for the long post/s :P

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-06-2004
In reply to: sm05
Sun, 08-08-2004 - 6:15pm
I recommend that you put this devise on his computer keyboard cable:

http://www.keyghost.com/

It will stealthily record everything he types. You will be able to retrieve his passcodes and everything. I have used it in the past and it's excellent.

You will find out everything you need to know. Don't marry him until you install this on his computer for about a week. But I can almost guarantee that you'll end up dumping him.

Tom

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2004
In reply to: sm05
Mon, 08-09-2004 - 11:25am
:) Thanks for your response Tom, but I don't think I could do that. 2 days ago I might even have seriously thought about it :PpP but wouldn't have been able to afford it. Currently, I'm gonna trust him and see. I won't go ahead with the marriage unless I'm comfortable, but I sure don't like the pressure from him & all his folks re: setting the date, guess I must be lucky though that my guy's the one who's so focussed on getting married instead of me being the one trying to get a committment outta him :P

Thanks for your response though, hope you have a great week ! :)