do I try to make it work

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2007
do I try to make it work
4
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 5:21pm
My bf and I have been having problems ever since he returned to school in September. He is very much caught up in his "student" life (even though he is in grad school)of going out with his friends and partying and basically doing whatever he feels like whenever. He had not introduced me to any of his new friends and only occasionally invites me to join him. He has been making all of his decisions about anything without considering me or my feelings. This was bad enough and something I was trying to work though with my therapist.
I recently discovered he has been dating other women. I confronted him with it and he admitted to it and said there was never anything physical (I am not sure whether or not to believe that) and that it only lasted a week and would make him realzie how great I am and that I am the one he wants to be with. Needless to say I am devastated and feel completely betrayed. We have been dating for 6 years and living together for almost 4. He thinks that we should not live together anymore and continue to date so we do not take each other for granted and appreciate each other more. I do not agree and think that if we do that we might as well just break up. I asked him flat out if he wants out of the relationship because I would rather know now than try to work on it just to be hurt again later. He said no, that all of his acting out was to avoid breaking up with me and he wants to work it out. We used to always talk about getting married and having a future together but now he is not sure. He wants to continue with his party habits for his last year of school.
I just do not know what to do. My head is telling me to break up with him because I deserve better than someone who prioritizes a having a good time over me but my heart does not agree. How do you know if you should break up with someone you have loved for 6 years? I want it to work out because we used to have so much fun together and I always felt so lucky to have found someone I got along with so well and made me feel so comfortable. I just don't know whether I can trust him again. Any advice is appreciated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-19-2002
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 5:40pm
I'm sorry you're in this situation. I think your BF is blowing smoke... He's dating other women and wants a separate living situation, but wants to continue to date you. It sounds to me like he wants his cake and eat it too. It's up to you if you're going to let him do that. It's up to you to show him how you want and deserve to be treated.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 7:24pm

Hi bluedog54 and welcome,

I'm so sorry you are going through this, I'm sure its causing you a lot of pain. I can understand why you would want to stay with someone you have directed so much love and effort toward, but he is not being honest or straightforward with you -- after six years, I would think you deserve that, and NEED that, to continue in a healthy relationship! Frankly, I think he's crazy if he expects you to believe that him dating other women behind your back was a show of caring and commitment to the relationship on his part -- what did he think you would do when you eventually found out (and you would)? By saying he did it to "avoid breaking up with you", it just sounds like he was too chicken to tell you sincerely, to your face (as is respectful), that he doesn't feel this relationship is right for him anymore. Unfortunately, your boyfriend's partying ways in graduate school ( a very grueling period, I'm going through it right now) seem to indicate that he is not thinking long-term about much of anything in his life. No one but he can tell you if he sees himself marrying you in the near future, but I definitely think, for your own sake, you need to get out of the relationship -- you deserve such better treatment, especially after six years together. Could you really be comfortable with him again?

Again, I'm sorry you are going through this, and good luck. Please keep us posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 04-16-2007 - 9:51pm

Welcome to the board bluedogs54,


I gotta say, I agree with the replies you've gotten so far. I can't believe anyone would say what he said about dating someone else behind

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2005
Fri, 05-04-2007 - 7:17pm
I feel like you were talking about my relationship! my bf constantly puts drinking and partying before me, even though we've been together for 4 years. I know how you feel. because when you try to talk to him about it, he just takes it as "nagging" There comes a point where you realize you're the only person putting in effort in the relationship, and for me, a ton of resentment built up. It seemed like I was always the one calling, planning dates etc. You should move out and get your own place, and fill up your schedule as much as you can. When he sees you out having fun, he's going to miss you. Now, if only I could take my own advice...I know how hard it is. good luck hun :)