Do They Every Come Back?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-09-2003
Do They Every Come Back?
3
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 7:05pm
Just wondering if they ever come back to you and ask to try again after you break up (and they say they don't love you right now but like you a hole heck of a lot, or are not completely sure of their feelings right now, confused, etc) and you set down a no contact rule from your end? Wondering if anyone out there has been through this and still got their ex back after a time? If it really works? Please share any stories anyone may have! How long it took? What were the conditions under which they came back and you agreed to try again? Or agreed to not try again but they still came back and asked you think about it? Does behavior/attitude before (or at) the break up indicate the liklihood of them coming back if they just aren't ready to commit at this time? Are their ways to tell if this might happen but the committment-phobe is just scared?

Just a girl wondering if its a possible reality or pure fantasy....

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 7:19pm
Here is your first post a month ago.................

My Ex and I have been on and off for the past 7 months (together solidly for 2 months) and I'm utterly and hopelessly in love with him. He says he really likes hanging around me, being close friends, shared dreams, hopes and plans for the future with me and even joked about marrying me but says he doesn't feel romantically for me anymore. He basically wants all the aspects of a relationship with me but for some reason he isn't in love with me though even he admits how great and compatiable we are together and doesn't understand why he isn't in love with me himself.

I am so completely heartbroken right now because he has decided to sign up on two matchmaking sites and has even gone on a date with someone else. I am having an incrediably hard time with this. I can't seem to get over him, as I am very much in love with him, and it hurts me every minute of the day knowing he is looking for someone else and yet still comes to me and wants everything else with me (except sex he doesn't want to do that anymore with me because he says it will just make it harder on me). I don't understand how things could be so wonderful on my side and even he seems very content most of the time to be only with me and for him to still not feel strongely for me? He isn't perfect but neither am I and I don't expect him to be, their are problems we need to work out but nothing serious that we couldn't work out within the lines of dating each other. The only reason he gives me for not being together is that he doesn't feel romantic towards me or feel in love with me. But I still hold out hope that if he allowed himself to be open to love he would fall in love with me. He's been very badly hurt at least 3 times in his past and he told me that after the last time he had told himself he wouldn't go through that again. And yet he claims to wants to be in love and be with someone.

I feel so lost, confused and hurt right now I don't know what to do. It doesn't seem as simple solution to have no contact with him because I feel in my heart that the progress we have made over these past 9 months is helping him to open up, trust and develop intimacy with me....the fundamental things that are suppose to make men fall in love with women, and if I demand no contact with him all that will be lost....everything I thought would eventually get him to fall in love with me would be lost. His way is that if someone abandones him he cuts them out of his life and you don't or very rarely get another chance with him. And despite everything I would like to be with him.

For me this is the first man I have really loved and therefore the hardest to get over...infact I am not over him at all. My hope that it will work out in the end seems undying but I need to think of myself and how to help myself heal from this heartbreak. But I don't know how to do that because all I want right now is for him to come back to me and for everything to be good and happy like it was and has been at times even in these last months of on and off. Meanwhile how do I deal with him activitely seeking other women on the matchmaking sites??? It drives me crazy knowing he is on there talking to other women and potentially meeting up with them. And still calls me a couple times a week to talk about everything under the sun. Hearing his voice makes me so happy. He is like a drug to me and when I don't have any contact with him I'm in withdrawl and then he will call and it makes it all better for a little while.

I'm very sad and lonely and need some advice that isn't kick him to the curb and move on. Its just not that simple for me.





iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 7:29pm
I was in a similar situation. 9 months, intense relationship and one day he left. He had been hurt badly in the past (his ex cheated on him with his co-worker) Anyway he never really dealt with the hurt and then couldn't deal with a new relationship. He came back to me a couple of months later and proposed. But it was too late. For one, I was dating again and more importantly, in hindsight I realized that he was incapable of having a healthy relationship and saw how many issues our relationship had. Just because they come back, doesn't make it a good thing. That only happens in the movies.

Now I am concerned that if you hear stories and become hopeful it will stall your recovery. You won't move on but will wait for him to come back.

Have you spoken to him recently? Do you know if he is still looking on-line for women? Maybe you need to hear something from him that will help you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sat, 03-06-2004 - 2:38am
yes, they come back... they come back when you can live without them.

all of mine came back in one way or another, somehow. it was up to me to give it a chance, though.

i did with one. everything about him that i didn't like came out eventually. only took a couple months. even certain looks on his face made him ugly to me.

i think maybe he wanted back so bad was so that he could prove to himself that he could win me over again.

then again, this time we didn't end on good terms. i should have left well enough alone...

what happened to me has happened to all of my friends - which is why we're always wary of exboyfriends. when it's over, you really gotta make it over...

ex's are ex's for a reason. when it gets to the point where you can't have a discussion or an argument without it turning into a "State of the Relationship" talk or a total break-up, then you got problems.

Even if they say they've changed, it takes more than a girl ditching them to make them change. it also takes more than a few months.

i'm really against getting back with ex's, but i do know of people who do and it works fine... depends on the demons of the relationship.