Do you believe in Redemption?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Do you believe in Redemption?
15
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 4:37pm

Hello,

I have recently started seeing this guy that I met.  He treats me better than any guy I have ever dated and I am really happy with him.  We have been dating 2 months now and so I have started asking questions about his past.  He is divorced with 2 kids (which I already knew) and the topic of cheating came up.

I asked him if he ever cheated on anyone and he said that he has and it was karma.  That he had never been more hurt than when he was cheated on and he would never ever be able to do it again because it hurt so bad and that he now knows how it feels.  I then asked why he was divorced and he said that he cheated on his wife, he was dumb and he doesn't have an excuse.  That it was a mistake he made that could not be forgiven.

I have to be honest that this does make me scared, as I have been cheated on before and I never want to feel like that again.  But my question is, do I continue seeing this guy who has made me so happy or is this a deal breaker?

In my heart, I don't think he would cheat on me.  This did happen 8 years ago and I do believe that some people can change.  Because he cheated he lost everything, his wife, his home, his kids and he now knows what it feels like to be cheated on (by an ex-girlfriend).   Do you believe in Redemption and that people can really change?  I just want to know everyone's thoughts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 8:40pm
Generalizing "once a cheater always a cheater" is wrong. People cheat, people get hurt, people feel remorse, people learn, people grow, there is just no way to know. Nothing about relationships is carved in stone.

Go with your gut feeling. You are only a couple months into this relationship. He was open and honest with you, when he just as easily could have lied. He opened himself up to your scrutiny, to me that speaks volumes.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2002
Fri, 08-10-2012 - 9:01pm

I wouldn't say "once a cheater, always a cheater", but I would definitely be cautious because he is definitely capable of cheating.

I would probably ask more questions about it.  Like how long did he cheat.  Who was it with.  Not exactly who, but a general who, like a co-worker, someone he met at a bar, a friend. Etc. 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sat, 08-11-2012 - 2:39am
No one can predict anyones future behavior. Maybe he learned a hard lesson with his ex by losing his home and family. People can change, but only if they truly want to change.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-22-2007
Sun, 08-12-2012 - 4:30am

I think everyone is capable of cheating.   Some will, some won't.  Some learn from it, some don't.    Unfortunately, there are no guarantees.    But I will tell you that even if you choose a guy who's never cheated, it doesn't mean that he won't cheat in the future.

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2003
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 11:52am

 

'Once a cheater, always a cheater' - nonsense, sorry. Both my husband and I have cheated in the past - on other partners!-  and have been cheated on. We've been together for 8.5 years. To me, cheating on him is absolutley unthinkable. I am (almost) certain he has not cheated on me so far - I say almost because I'm old and wise and one can never be sure.  Whilst I can't say he never will as only time will tell..I totally disagree with 'always the cheater'  theory. It is all so vastly different, every situation, every r-ship, every person and partner. One has NOTHING to do with the next, or the one before it. People who have affairs are not  monsters. They are most good decent people who made a mistake. Or found themselves with the wrong person for some reason and had to - rightly or wrongly -  change their lives - in a human kind of way. MHO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2008
Tue, 08-14-2012 - 5:16pm

Thank you everyone for your responses! I know I can always count on coming to this board for great advice.

I feel that I should give this guy a shot and I think I will.  

 

 

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 08-15-2012 - 12:29pm

I think his up front admission to you of his past cheating was a good thing. You have someone who was not afraid to admit his mistakes and own up to them, who was not afraid to let it all hang out there to be judged. That is much better than someone who hides things but appears to be perfect.

You just have to wonder how many people who meet and begin dating and the the question comes up, "have you ever cheated?". How often is a lie told and not the truth? Undoubtedly there are many people who are living with cheaters and do not evene know it, whether that goes for cheating with the current partner and or past partners. I gues the point I was making is what if he had told you a lie, you would think he was this great guy who had never cheated.