Do you see any hope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Do you see any hope?
11
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 2:17pm

Hello, this is my first post, and hoping maybe someone or anyone would have some insight. I am exhausted right now from crying and thinking and talking, and I feel a big empty void in the pit of my stomach. Man, this has been one hell of a weekend. This whole thing is just so complicated. I found out this weekend my husband doesn't love me anymore and wants to separate. This is basically what happened.

I came on Saturday after going for a walk and he was having some cereal. He was very quiet. The night before he seemed to be in a funk too so I figured it was just something bad had happened at work. Well I noticed when I came home it looked more serious, he was really going through something and I needed to know what. I asked him, what's going on talk to me. So I could tell he was really struggling wanting to tell me something, so he just said "I don't even know how to say this or how to talk about it, so I guess I just need to tell you." so he then told me he's been feeling very off for a while now, and for the past month he's been trying to find ways to tell me how he really feels. That he is just not happy. That he's not happy in our marriage, that he's not happy with us as a couple and he's not happy with me as his wife. And struggled so much to tell me because he doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't want to lie to me either. And that it was one of those situations where he felt being honest with me was better than continue to lie to me and himself. He says when he started feeling this way he felt he could make his feelings change. That he really tried hard to feel differently and tried hard to feel that way towards me. But that the harder he tried the more wrong it felt. I asked him if he loved me, he said he can't say he does. I asked him if he ever did, and he said he he feels he did and he felt I was the one when he married me 3 years ago, but along the way those feeling disentegrated. It didn't help that when we got married he was in the navy and we were not technically seeing each other every day. We were apart half the time, and maybe thats what masked what the real feelings were. Then afterwards we always had turmoil. A lot of things happened with family and finances and transition from the navy to civilian life, that he was able to suppress any feelings of doubt in our marriage he may have had, and thought maybe it was just the turmoil that made him feel that way. But after all that was gone, and after we just started settling into OUR marriage, just the two of us and nothing else, those feelings came back. There was nothing else to mask it, it was just us, and he still felt unhappy. he said it wasn't all bad, that he does have moments where he does like being married, but most of the time he's not happy. That often he thinks about the path he wants to go on in life, but he often thinks about this with just him, not me in the picture. That he has a hard time and can't picture us married in 5, 10 whatever years. He just feels like these feelings would just fester inside of him and that he doesn't want to do that to me, he doesn't want to keep me in a marriage where he doesn't love me like I love him. I asked him then how exactly he does feel about me. And he tells me that he cares very much about me and all weekend he's been telling me how awful and how much he hates that he has caused this pain on me. he doesn't want to see me in pain, and his intention was not to hurt me like this, but that he felt he needed to tell me because he felt he was hurting me more by keeping all of this in. He comes home everyday and he feels unhappy, he says he just feels so wrong and guilty when he comes in the door and I'm happy and greet him with a smile, but he can't do the same. He flies straight everyday, he is faithful to me, he does what he is supposed to do as a husband, but he says even after doing all of that, he still feels guilty like if he did sometheing wrong for not giving me the same love I give him. He just feels like he's taking advantage of me and he doesnt want to be like that, he doesnt want to do that to me.

At the time he told me this on Saturday I asked him, well what do you want to do, do you want to separate? He said he thought maybe that was the best thing, but that he didn't know what to do, that he didn't plan this, he's never been through anything like this, he's just as lost and doesn't know where we go with this now. He didn't plan any further than telling me how he felt. Because he knew he couldn't let it fester inside him anymore, he didn't want his feelings to come out in some other way that would hurt me more. Like by him doing something stupid outside of home. We talked, we talked A LOT I mean we talked for hours ALL day on Saturday and ALL day yesterday. All throughout our marriage, I always told him, if you EVER get to a point where you don't feel for me anymore and you don't feel like you want to be my husband you NEED to tell me. You can't keep me on a string and you need to tell me if ever that happens. So the question becomes, how can I be mad at him for doing exactly what I asked him to do??? I mean truly from the bottom of my heart, I am not angry with him. I always asked him and wanted him to be bruttaly honest with me, so I just cannot feel anger towards him for doing just that. I mean, yea I am hurt beyond belief, my heart is aching and I feel a pit in my stomach. And when I look at him I just feel utter sadness because I just want to hug him and kiss him and have things be good again. But anger is not a feeling I even have a little bit. Because besides telling me the truth about how he feels, he hasn't DONE anything wrong to me you know? He hasn't cheated on me, he hasn't phsisically hurt me, he hasn't gone into some bad habit spree like drugs or alcohol. he just simply has fallen out of love with me. And that's something I know I can't just fix.

After lots and lots of hours of talking we contemplated where to go next from here. Should he leave the apartment, should we physically separate for a while or what? I asked him if he was willing to go to counseling. That I realize that after counseling, he might still feel the exact same way, and that I need to come to terms that if that's the case then we will probably have to separate for good. But after 7 years of being together and building memories, I can't just say, ok lets just give up then. I can't just let it go without any fight. I love him with all my heart, and even though he doesnt love me back the same way, he cares enough about me that he is willing to go through counseling. He feels that after all of this time together and after everything we've been through, that he at least owes it to me and to us to just give it a try. He did say that he can't guaranteee that it will change anything. But that he's willing to go and see what comes of it. Maybe it will at least help me understand him more and why he's feeling the way he is, and if it comes down to it, perhaps it will help me cope with my biggest fear, divorce. I can barely even bring myself to say that word, my god this is so hard. This really sucks, I don't want to lose my husband, I don't want to lose my life, I don't want to lose this. The hardest part of it all is that besides the whole marrige thing looming over our heads, we do have fun together, we enjoy each others company. he told me that none of that has been fake, the times we've had that have been so good have not been a lie, that he can't talk about and do the things we do together with anyone else, and I'm the closest thing to a best friedn he's ever had. that's why this is so hard for him too. He is torn because he feels he needs to be on his own and needs to be self sufficient but at the same time he doesn't just want to lose me. And where I'm torn is that I truly honestly don't want to lose him either, it hurts to think of a life without him, but I can't imagine a life with him and him not being my partner.

We are starting counseling this week, and we tried to figure out the best way to continue on after this. I truly feel that we need to find each other again, that we need to find that friendship again and put aside the intimacy. we decided to remain in the same home for now. I asked him if he was willing to try and find us for what we liked about each other in the first place. And there would only be a couple of rules. the first rule was that neither of us was to get involved emotionally or physically with anyone of the opposite sex. And he agreed that was a given, he says he could never do that to me that he respects me too much for him to be able to do something like that. And the second rule is that we would go through all the counseling necessary until we can come to a conclusion. We will give each other as much space as needed, I wouldn't ask him about his daily stuff unless he wants to tell me about it. and he will do everything possible to be self sufficient. Because its hard for me not to do what I do as far as what I do for him as a wife. Simple things that come as second nature to me like make breakfast and pack his lunch. We will leave all the continued talks about our situation for the counselor, and i won't grill him with more questions during our daily lives. We are really trying to take everything one day at a time right now. He can't make me any promises, but he's willing to give it a shot. He says that 7 years is a lot we have gone through and he can't just erase that. And my very hard task is to start preparing myself mentally for the worse. As much as I really do not want to even think about it, I know i have to make myself and I must prepare myself for a life after him, on my own. I truly don't know what's going to happen at this point. On Saturday I was sure we'd be going our separate ways. yesterday, I was just kind of numb and after talking I can't say I felt much better, but at least I felt like there could be a teeny tiny glimmer of hope. Today, I don't know. Its still sinking in. I guess I feel like maybe just maybe its possible we could make it work, but in the end, it really will be up to him. He knows now that from this moment all his feelings towards me must be nothing but 100% truthful, and only time will tell if those feelings towards me will change and go back to how he used to feel about me, or if they are just gone forever.

Anyway, thank you for reading this far. Its hard to talk about this, because its just such a complicated thing in my head, its not like black and white ya know? I almost feel like it would have been easier if he had done something terrible like cheated on me or hit me or something because I could just be angry and say f*&^ him and just leave him. but this is just so so so gray. Because its none of that, its, its I don't even know.

is there any hope?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 2:53pm

Welcome to the board sdlost,


Yes, I do think there is hope. I say this because it seems like the two of you have good communication and also because you have developed a good plan on trying to work this out. Don't give up hope yet. Go to the counseling and see what happens.


Good luck to you and please feel free to post on the board anytime.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 3:31pm

Welcome to the board sdlost,


I agree with Coltara....


Here's some reading material to consider:


Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman


Getting the Love You Want, Harville Hendrix


Love in the Present Tense: How to Have a High Intimacy, Low Maintenance Marriage, Shechtman


Relationship Rescue by Phil McGraw


My best to you.




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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-12-2005
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 5:27pm

Definitely plenty of hope.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 7:36pm

I agree with everybody else that there is hope. What I have read from a couple of the most successful marriage counselors is that it is usually just couples who have been married a long time where this type of thing can't be fixed. By that point, the couple feelings are too far gone. If you catch it early enough though, then the problem can generally be fixed and the feelings bought back. You guys have only been married for three years, and three years ago he had the sense that you were the one. That's still a pretty short time for marriage.

I would not separate at this point if I were you. I think you need to work on bringing back that feeling of closeness and togetherness and moving away from each other is only going to do the exact opposite. If after you go to counseling, you determine that ending the marriage is the best thing to do, then you can worry about it at that point. At this point, I would look at it as just that there is a problem in the marriage that needs to get fixed.
I hope your husband is going into the counseling with an open mind and that you have a good marriage counselor. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 1:22pm

Thank you very much for your kind words and for helping to give me more glimmers of hope. I still feel like I was hit with a ton of bricks in my chest and gut, and I feel like I"m wandering aimlessly. But I guess I"m still trying to take it all in. My husband stayed home and we've continued to talk. He is still not sure that in the end we'll remain together, but he knows he needs to give it a shot. Its really hard for me to go on about our daily lives like before knowing what I know now. But we are trying to move on with our ground rules, taking it day by day, no pressure for anything. But for me its the hardest not to show affection towards him. I am very nurturing and affectionate, and to not go up to him and kiss him and hug him is hard for me, I just want to touch him and be close to him. But I know i need to give him that space.

I got some great advice about getting a specialist in couples counseling and not just someone who 'offers' it to their clients. The counselor that I was referred to by my employee assistance program, I dug a little deeper and found out he is a great specialist in child psychology and adolecense troubles and stuff like ADHD and such. But he also offers the marriage counseling. I am just not feeling comfortable with that anymore. So I am trying to go through my regular insurance which is Kaiser, to try and find someone who has more experience specifically in Marriage Counseling. I was told they have social workers that do a lot of marriage counseling, does that sound ok? I am waiting to get a call back from them to see when I can make an appointment with one of them. These are the times I really wish I had extra money saved up or something to be able to just go out and find the best of the best and just pay for it out of pocket. Unfortunatley we are not very financially well off, so this is even trickier. My hopes is that I can just find someone that will help us and not hurt us in the end.

Thank you all again.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 08-21-2007 - 3:02pm

If I were in this situation, I would look for somoene specifically trained in couples counseling. Two resources for this are John Gottman and Terrance Real--both are authors and counselors who've done a TON of research into what works in a marriage and what doesn't. Google them and check out their websites for a list of counselors they have trained in their methods--hopefully one or more is near you.

I'd also strongly recommend that you read their latest books and have your husband do so as well.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-1999
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 4:54pm

If you are looking for a good therapist, I would recommend somebody trained in emotionally focused couples therapy if you can find one in your area. They have the highest success rate of any type of couple's therapy. The average success rate is 70% for this whereas it's only 30% for cognitive-behavioral therapy. Here is a link for therapists specialized in this:
http://www.eft.ca/directory/dir.htm

I see somebody else mentioned John Gottman, and I would recommend looking into what he has to offer as well. I know he has been working on developing some type of marital therapy for couples based on the research he's done and his success rate is not too far behind that of emotionally-focused therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 5:57pm

Thank you for the advice. I did get back to my EAP provider and asked them if I can please change my recommended therapist to one that was licensed in Family and Marriage Counseling, they were happy to find me someone new. I have a name, and am hoping that she will be good. I am in the process of connecting with her and trying to make an appointment.

I am wondering what all your thoughts are on a twist here. One of my husbands only cousins has had this wedding planned for a long time now. We live in San Diego and all my husbands family is in New York City. We got the invitation last week and I was preparing to get tickets and he was preparing to ask his job for the time. Well after all of this happened obviously I figured that would go all out the window. And that if he did decided he wanted to go, that he'd want to go alone. However, last night he asked me if I would still want to go, or if it was a no. I honestly kind of still want to go, but I'm at a point where I want him to WANT me to go. I want him to be ok with me being there. He says he does, its a family event, and even though all of this is going on, he doesn't want to face his family without me and have them start poking and prodding into our business and making a big deal of why I'm not there. He said he was comfortable with me going as long as I was as well and wanted to still go. He called me again today because his cousin called to tell him he'd need an RSVP soon because of his reservations and all that stuff. So my husband called me at lunch to ask me if I'd still be willing to go, or if it would be too weird. He just doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable and confused with everything. I told him, at this point I know where we stand and I know how you feel, and if I go it will be only because you want me to and I will be ok with that.

Do you all think we are making a big mistake by planning for this trip at the stage we are at right now? The trip would be about 5 days (2 of which will mostly be spent in the air) and the others would probably be mostly family time and the actual wedding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 6:55pm
If I didn't know any better I would think I had written your post. My husband and I are going through the exact same thing. About 6 weeks ago he told me he loved me and I am his best friend but he doesn't know if he is "in love" with me anymore. Sometimes I do feel angry or frustrated but most of the time I just feel really sad. It's hard to be angry at him because I know he is really sad too. We have been to three counseling sessions. Sometimes I feel like we have a chance, and other times I feel like this is a hopeless process. I am also struggling with not focusing on the negative. My husband and I are also going to individual counselors. It is a lot of therapy and it is draining emotionally. But I feel like I do need to take care of myself as well as my relationship. If at some point he decides he is done, I need to have support in place. Acknowledging that the marriage may end has been hard for me to admit to myself. I have also started reading a couple of relationship books. Collectively, I feel it is helping me feel stronger. The lack of affection is also hard for me. We have always been an affectionate couple so it feels so different to keep some distance and give him his space. I don't have any advice, I just thought it might help to know you are not alone. Hang in there.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2007
Wed, 08-22-2007 - 7:11pm
I just posted that my husband and I are going through the same thing. I just read your latest post. And again, it is like I wrote your post. My husband is in his friend's wedding in a month in Santa Barbara (we live in LA.) I know it is not exactly the same b/c you need to book airfare but I am dealing with the same emotions. I also had to book a flight to Las Vegas for the Bachlorette party. I have questioned whether I should even go to any of the events, because who knows how much longer we will be together? I am hoping that we will be but the uncertainty is killing me. I am planning to go to the BP in vegas and for now, I am scheduled to go to the wedding. It is hard to deal with emotionally, but I think you should go. He wants you there. If he didn't, he wouldn't have asked. If it was just about not wanting to tell his family, he would have figured out something to make up so they wouldn't ask too many questions. I am also struggling with reading into everything my husband is saying, and not saying. The worst thing that happens is you decide no to go and lose a plane ticket. I know you said money was tight but I think you will regret it if you don't try and make plans to go. Again, hang in there.

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