Do you see any hope?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Do you see any hope?
11
Mon, 08-20-2007 - 2:17pm

Hello, this is my first post, and hoping maybe someone or anyone would have some insight. I am exhausted right now from crying and thinking and talking, and I feel a big empty void in the pit of my stomach. Man, this has been one hell of a weekend. This whole thing is just so complicated. I found out this weekend my husband doesn't love me anymore and wants to separate. This is basically what happened.

I came on Saturday after going for a walk and he was having some cereal. He was very quiet. The night before he seemed to be in a funk too so I figured it was just something bad had happened at work. Well I noticed when I came home it looked more serious, he was really going through something and I needed to know what. I asked him, what's going on talk to me. So I could tell he was really struggling wanting to tell me something, so he just said "I don't even know how to say this or how to talk about it, so I guess I just need to tell you." so he then told me he's been feeling very off for a while now, and for the past month he's been trying to find ways to tell me how he really feels. That he is just not happy. That he's not happy in our marriage, that he's not happy with us as a couple and he's not happy with me as his wife. And struggled so much to tell me because he doesn't want to hurt me, but he doesn't want to lie to me either. And that it was one of those situations where he felt being honest with me was better than continue to lie to me and himself. He says when he started feeling this way he felt he could make his feelings change. That he really tried hard to feel differently and tried hard to feel that way towards me. But that the harder he tried the more wrong it felt. I asked him if he loved me, he said he can't say he does. I asked him if he ever did, and he said he he feels he did and he felt I was the one when he married me 3 years ago, but along the way those feeling disentegrated. It didn't help that when we got married he was in the navy and we were not technically seeing each other every day. We were apart half the time, and maybe thats what masked what the real feelings were. Then afterwards we always had turmoil. A lot of things happened with family and finances and transition from the navy to civilian life, that he was able to suppress any feelings of doubt in our marriage he may have had, and thought maybe it was just the turmoil that made him feel that way. But after all that was gone, and after we just started settling into OUR marriage, just the two of us and nothing else, those feelings came back. There was nothing else to mask it, it was just us, and he still felt unhappy. he said it wasn't all bad, that he does have moments where he does like being married, but most of the time he's not happy. That often he thinks about the path he wants to go on in life, but he often thinks about this with just him, not me in the picture. That he has a hard time and can't picture us married in 5, 10 whatever years. He just feels like these feelings would just fester inside of him and that he doesn't want to do that to me, he doesn't want to keep me in a marriage where he doesn't love me like I love him. I asked him then how exactly he does feel about me. And he tells me that he cares very much about me and all weekend he's been telling me how awful and how much he hates that he has caused this pain on me. he doesn't want to see me in pain, and his intention was not to hurt me like this, but that he felt he needed to tell me because he felt he was hurting me more by keeping all of this in. He comes home everyday and he feels unhappy, he says he just feels so wrong and guilty when he comes in the door and I'm happy and greet him with a smile, but he can't do the same. He flies straight everyday, he is faithful to me, he does what he is supposed to do as a husband, but he says even after doing all of that, he still feels guilty like if he did sometheing wrong for not giving me the same love I give him. He just feels like he's taking advantage of me and he doesnt want to be like that, he doesnt want to do that to me.

At the time he told me this on Saturday I asked him, well what do you want to do, do you want to separate? He said he thought maybe that was the best thing, but that he didn't know what to do, that he didn't plan this, he's never been through anything like this, he's just as lost and doesn't know where we go with this now. He didn't plan any further than telling me how he felt. Because he knew he couldn't let it fester inside him anymore, he didn't want his feelings to come out in some other way that would hurt me more. Like by him doing something stupid outside of home. We talked, we talked A LOT I mean we talked for hours ALL day on Saturday and ALL day yesterday. All throughout our marriage, I always told him, if you EVER get to a point where you don't feel for me anymore and you don't feel like you want to be my husband you NEED to tell me. You can't keep me on a string and you need to tell me if ever that happens. So the question becomes, how can I be mad at him for doing exactly what I asked him to do??? I mean truly from the bottom of my heart, I am not angry with him. I always asked him and wanted him to be bruttaly honest with me, so I just cannot feel anger towards him for doing just that. I mean, yea I am hurt beyond belief, my heart is aching and I feel a pit in my stomach. And when I look at him I just feel utter sadness because I just want to hug him and kiss him and have things be good again. But anger is not a feeling I even have a little bit. Because besides telling me the truth about how he feels, he hasn't DONE anything wrong to me you know? He hasn't cheated on me, he hasn't phsisically hurt me, he hasn't gone into some bad habit spree like drugs or alcohol. he just simply has fallen out of love with me. And that's something I know I can't just fix.

After lots and lots of hours of talking we contemplated where to go next from here. Should he leave the apartment, should we physically separate for a while or what? I asked him if he was willing to go to counseling. That I realize that after counseling, he might still feel the exact same way, and that I need to come to terms that if that's the case then we will probably have to separate for good. But after 7 years of being together and building memories, I can't just say, ok lets just give up then. I can't just let it go without any fight. I love him with all my heart, and even though he doesnt love me back the same way, he cares enough about me that he is willing to go through counseling. He feels that after all of this time together and after everything we've been through, that he at least owes it to me and to us to just give it a try. He did say that he can't guaranteee that it will change anything. But that he's willing to go and see what comes of it. Maybe it will at least help me understand him more and why he's feeling the way he is, and if it comes down to it, perhaps it will help me cope with my biggest fear, divorce. I can barely even bring myself to say that word, my god this is so hard. This really sucks, I don't want to lose my husband, I don't want to lose my life, I don't want to lose this. The hardest part of it all is that besides the whole marrige thing looming over our heads, we do have fun together, we enjoy each others company. he told me that none of that has been fake, the times we've had that have been so good have not been a lie, that he can't talk about and do the things we do together with anyone else, and I'm the closest thing to a best friedn he's ever had. that's why this is so hard for him too. He is torn because he feels he needs to be on his own and needs to be self sufficient but at the same time he doesn't just want to lose me. And where I'm torn is that I truly honestly don't want to lose him either, it hurts to think of a life without him, but I can't imagine a life with him and him not being my partner.

We are starting counseling this week, and we tried to figure out the best way to continue on after this. I truly feel that we need to find each other again, that we need to find that friendship again and put aside the intimacy. we decided to remain in the same home for now. I asked him if he was willing to try and find us for what we liked about each other in the first place. And there would only be a couple of rules. the first rule was that neither of us was to get involved emotionally or physically with anyone of the opposite sex. And he agreed that was a given, he says he could never do that to me that he respects me too much for him to be able to do something like that. And the second rule is that we would go through all the counseling necessary until we can come to a conclusion. We will give each other as much space as needed, I wouldn't ask him about his daily stuff unless he wants to tell me about it. and he will do everything possible to be self sufficient. Because its hard for me not to do what I do as far as what I do for him as a wife. Simple things that come as second nature to me like make breakfast and pack his lunch. We will leave all the continued talks about our situation for the counselor, and i won't grill him with more questions during our daily lives. We are really trying to take everything one day at a time right now. He can't make me any promises, but he's willing to give it a shot. He says that 7 years is a lot we have gone through and he can't just erase that. And my very hard task is to start preparing myself mentally for the worse. As much as I really do not want to even think about it, I know i have to make myself and I must prepare myself for a life after him, on my own. I truly don't know what's going to happen at this point. On Saturday I was sure we'd be going our separate ways. yesterday, I was just kind of numb and after talking I can't say I felt much better, but at least I felt like there could be a teeny tiny glimmer of hope. Today, I don't know. Its still sinking in. I guess I feel like maybe just maybe its possible we could make it work, but in the end, it really will be up to him. He knows now that from this moment all his feelings towards me must be nothing but 100% truthful, and only time will tell if those feelings towards me will change and go back to how he used to feel about me, or if they are just gone forever.

Anyway, thank you for reading this far. Its hard to talk about this, because its just such a complicated thing in my head, its not like black and white ya know? I almost feel like it would have been easier if he had done something terrible like cheated on me or hit me or something because I could just be angry and say f*&^ him and just leave him. but this is just so so so gray. Because its none of that, its, its I don't even know.

is there any hope?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2007
Wed, 09-05-2007 - 6:28pm

I thought I would post a quick update on what's going on. Well we had our first counseling session 1 1/2 weeks ago, it was the first session so it was mostly just assessment and getting the information to the therapist. She is a licensed family and marriage therapist so I felt comfortable with her. But I'm still trying to figure out how I like her style. she is very straight forward, she doesn't beat around the bush, she doesn't try to draw things out, she is very to the point. My husband likes that because that's how he is, clear and to the point. For me its a little harder, because sometimes straight to the point can hurt a bit ya know? But the therapist we saw a few years back was not really like that, and he really didn't like her, and I didn't feel she was helping much, so it seems that maybe someone opposite of that might be a good thing. Its one of those things that as much as the truth hurts, you need to hear it, especially coming from a third party. Last week she had a one on one session with just my husband. She got to know more about him and his past. This week she will be having a one on one session with just me. And next week we'll reconvene and will have a couple's session again. She told us she doesn't like to drag things out for a really long time in therapy, but that she would like for us to give it at least until December, and at that time re-evaluate and reassess our situation. Perhaps at that point we'll be able to better see if there is still a possiblity to make our marriage work...or to me its more like more of a possiblity for my husband to WANT to make our marriage work, he's the one that wants out not me. Or, perhaps she'll be able to see clearly that its very clear and dry and that things probably won't change and if separation is going to really be the only option. I dread this, like you wouldn't believe. Its like a huge pit in my stomach, and I feel like the holiday season is this big looming cloud over my head right now, because I feel like that's when I 'll know for sure if my marriage is over. I tear up when I think about that possiblity, its so hard.

My husband and I try to not talk about all the ache going on inside our hearts too much over and over again during our everyday, we are trying to leave that for therapy sessions. But its still hard. Right now we are going by through our day by day like 'normal' I guess you can say. We go to work, he goes to school after, I hit the gym, and we see each other at home after everything and have dinner together. We still get along great, everything feels fine, except for the fact that there isn't any physical affection anymore. Which is the hardest part for me. We still give the occasional hug, that's about it. We have talked on a couple of occasions about the whole situation. I asked him if he was going to therapy solely 100% just for me because he felt he owed it to me, or if he was going to save the Marriage as a whole, at all? Or even for himself. He said it was a little bit of everything. He asked me if we went through the whole thing, and spent the money, and the result was still not one that I wanted, would it still be worth it. I told him yes. I also told him that I realize his feelings havent' changed, he still feels the way he did when he talked to me first, and I know in my heart he is going to therapy thinking that nothing will change and the end result will still be the same...separation. But I asked him that I would REALLY love for him to at least try to open up his mind a little bit. That even if he goes into therapy thinking his feelings wont change, to at least take into consideration even the slightest possibility that MAYBE something could change inside of him through this process, to give that possiblity a teeny tiny chance. He said he would do his best to keep an open mind.

Its also hard for me to come to terms with how he feels. We still have a great time together, we've been going to the movies and we hang out and laugh and truly enjoy each other's company. So its so difficult for me to understand why he wants to give that up. Its hard for me to comprehend, when I feel like we make such a good team and like we are so good for each other. These are questions I know I will have to ask in therapy, but even knowing he is unhappy in our marriage and not in love with me, I still need to understand WHY? What exactly about our marriage is so intolerable for him? We did also discuss the whole idea of 'space'. Its really hard to give him space when we live in a small 600 sq foot apartment, when he doesn't really have any friends, and has no where to go. I can't just leave either for a whole day, I don't really have any where to go either. I'll go to the gym or maybe shopping, but not for the entire day. We are so used to doing everything together. So we still need to figure our how that will happen. Another issue is that I'm so very insecure. Even though we've made a pact not to try and meet and hook up with someone of the opposite sex, I keep feeling like it could happen. That he'll go off somewhere, meet some beautiful female that will capture his attention, that he'll form some friendship with her and that we'll be done. I know, it sounds ridiculous, but its truly a fear of mine. He's a handsome charming guy, and he's like a bright beam of light for females, he attracts them like flies, and that's always been an issue with me.

Anyway, I've made this long enough, thanks if you read this far. But that's where we are right now. I have my moments where I"ll spontaneously start crying if I think about the situation too much, because it saddens me and pains me to think I don't have my future anymore right now. The future I've been so happily planning with him this past year, all the gret things I've been looking forward to together, are now gone, my future feels like this big void blank right now, and I don't know how to deal with that, it literally pains me....

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