DO you think there is a chance???

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
DO you think there is a chance???
5
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 8:30pm
I have been with my husband since 1998. We were marrried in 1999. We cam across some rocky roads, and were divorced. We were physically apart for about 6 months. We have been back together since 2001. He has anger issues and is not able to let go of things in the past. ( no, I did not cheat.) He was very controlling, and I was losing myself, and I needed to get it back. I was at the point that I no longer had a reason to do my hair, makeup, etc....he ignored me completely. When it came to issues, like cleaning house, if he had noticed I cleaned the bathroom, he would ask..." did you do the door frames also? they are a part of the bathroom" He now has no desire to ever remarry me. That, I don't have a problem with. WHere I have an issue, is there is absolutely no sex in our relationship, there isn't communication either, but that is another long story. I can walk past him, completely nude, and if I make any advance what so ever toward sex, all of a sudden, he no longer feels good, or he is tired, or his stomach is hurting. I know deep inside it isn't me. But the very last straw was one night, he decided to tell me " it's not that I don't feel like having sex, I just don't feel like having sex with you." That hurt me really bad on the inside. I understand that I am not doing everything that I am supposed to do in our relationship, but I am trying my best. I go to school, work full time and raise 3 kids. It is not anything I need a pat on the back for, I am doing these things to better my life for my kids sake. I just don't know what to do about him.

While we were apart, I did have a boyfriend, and yes, we were sexually involved. I know that is what bothers him. How do I help him get past that? If I didn't know him as well as I do, I would think he was having an affair. But, (I am not in denial) I know he is not. He does spend all of his time on the internet looking at stuff, mainly porn, although, that is not as bad as it used to be. I am just at a loss, and I really don't know what to do. I love this man with all of my heart. I am not with him because of fear of living alone, I have been there and done that, with 3 kids. I just want to help him with his issues and have no idea where to start. When I have asked him to tell me what our relationship means to him, he describes it as..." it is what it is"

PLEASE....SOMEBODY HELP ME!!! I have no self esteem what so ever, and I really can't live like this. It is not fair to me, him, or my kids.

Sorry about the long story, I guess I just needed to vent.

Minaz

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2004
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 9:37pm
Oh, darlin' - PLEASE. I've been browsing these boards for the past ten days after I got dumped for the second time by the same man and this is by FAR the saddest thing I have ever come across. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE find the inner resources to leave this man -- I am desperately trying to understand why you are with him? Because you didn't like being alone? At least alone you can build some of the self esteem you so need -- you are going to school, working full time and raising your 3 children -- you are magnificent!!! Additionally you are bending over backwards to keep this idiot only marginally satisfied!!

He has anger issues, is not interested in marrying you or having sex with you, but surfs the web for porn and denigrates you... this is such a no-brainer that I'm getting cranky. NO THERE IS NOT A CHANCE. Save yourself -- YOU are worth it!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Tue, 08-10-2004 - 10:47pm
'I love this man with all of my heart.'

I find it very hard to read that. This is very sad.

This isn't a relationship, it isn't a marriage. It is you being controlled by someone and subjecting your children to learn about relationship and thinking that being controlled and not loved is o.k. What do you think will happen when they get older? Who will they be attracted to and how will they treat others?

'But the very last straw was one night...'

It is not the last straw if you are still trying to make things work with a man who treats you like dirt. Why are you trying to make it work?

'I understand that I am not doing everything that I am supposed to do in our relationship'

What do you mean by that? And what he is doing to make the relationship better?

'How do I help him get past that? '

You can't help this man with anything if he doesn't want it and isn't proactive about getting help for his anger issues.

Please get some therapy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2004
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 6:57am
Hi Melissa, I'm REALLY sorry for your situation, I know what it feels like when you don't have self esteem...

I was wondering, you got back together about three years back now and he still has anger issues with you? is he still being that controlling with you (I mean the bathroom like stuff)? also the fact he is not having sex with you and he is being so mean is a way for controlling you

There is an excellent site that deals with all this stuff, please check it out, it could help you a great deal: www.drirene.com, it deals with controlling, anger issues that ends up in verbal abuse...

It seems to me you are kind of trapped by his anger towards you, it's like you feel he is justified for acting like this, because you deserve it somehow...

What was the reason you got back together?

be strong
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 9:42am

Ciao_Gina......please email me!!! redwingfan1981@yahoo.com

 

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 08-11-2004 - 11:45am

You are in an abusive, masochistic, self destructive relationship and you need help, professional help, to get you out of it, and to really see what is going on. Don't worry about helping him with his problems, you can't. Each person has to want to change and take responsibility for what's going on in them. You should focus instead on taking care of your own issues, of understanding why you allow yourself to be subjected to this kind of humiliation and rejection. To say you love him isn't an answer. We can love many people. However, when we are treated so poorly, we must know what it means to love ourselves. You never help another person by allowing them to abuse you.


You had every right to have had a sexual relationship after your divorce. You were not married. You were not cheating. You have not afced the fact that you are not married now. You and your former husband are both acting as though things are the same. They aren't. He has no rights over you, other than those you agree to. Why do you agree to be with somene who takes away your self esteem, doesn't have sex with you, and does all he can to hurt you? You have a problem here and need help with it. Get the help you need and it will become clear to you how to handle this painful situation you are in.


Best wishes.