Does Controlling Behavior Always lead to

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Does Controlling Behavior Always lead to
9
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 7:25am
Does controlling behavior always lead to violence down the road?

I have been through this path before. What started out, as I thought, very caring gestures, and terms of endearment, (which were really control issues) later, very slowly turned into violence and abuse.

I've had two, seven year relationships that ended this way. Finally, I went to counceling, and recognized the pattern. That was five years ago.

Now, for a year, I've been seeing this guy. He totally caught me off guard when I told him I was going out of town with my business partner, and he begged me not to go, because he was jealous, and then finally, said OK, but wanted me in constant communication with me. Even worse, after he expressed how he did not want me to go, when I tried to understand him, but did not oblige, he hit the roof, saying I do not take his feelings into consideration. That is not true, but I am not going to thwart myself, just because someone else has issues with insecurity.

This incident is freaking me out, and a part of me wants to call it quits, telling me that this is a sign, and to run.

But being that I am hyper sensitive about this issue, am I over reacting? Should I talk to him about it? ( he does not know about my past, only that me and my ex are extremely bitter)

Do issues of control, ALWAYS turn violent? Or, is this a normal and understandable part of relationships, like, lets say, getting jealous.

I am having a hard time with this one. I know I should talk to him about his behavior, but at the same time, I am not sure.

HELP!!!

signed,

Please, not another DEja Vu.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 8:23am

You are right, you do need to talk to him about this. What other incidents, if any have their been?Not that you need anymore to support your concerns, you being uncomfortable is reason enough. As much as you may care, the behavior is unexcusable, and given your prior history, shouldnt be tolerated.


Good luck,


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 10:19am
You say, unexcusable, does that mean, RUN???
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-14-2004
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 3:54pm
Dear Tammy

I would not say that controlling behaviour always leads to violence, but at the same time this kind of behaviour should not be tolerated. You were going on a business trip! This should not be cause for such an extreme reaction!

Unless your partner can change his behaviour (something which is very difficuly to do), I would say that you have already suffered enough pain in past relationships, you do not need to continue to suffer. This behaviour is NOT inevitable or acceptable. So try speaking to him but if it carries on (which it probably will), make the break now and give yourself to find someone who really loves you and treats you how you deserve to be treated.

Best of luck. xxx

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 08-16-2004 - 5:23pm
Let's just say that this man will not get violent. Are you o.k. with the way things are now? Can you live your life this way, with a controlling man, walking on eggshells for fear that he will get really jealous and upset??

It sounds like you have not broken your pattern. Have you thought about going back to counseling?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Tue, 08-17-2004 - 2:32am
Thanks so much for your replies.

Here is what I decided to do. Yesterday, I did call him, and I just told him that his behavior last week really freaked me out. We did not get a chance to talk about it, as he abruptly got off the phone, said he would call me back.

He did, but we did not have a chance to talk about it. But now I am glad. I do not think he will understand, since such behavior is so deeply ingrained.

I am just going to break it off, because like you said, even though things are not violent, (at not yet) the way things are now, are not that great. Things were great before he started acting like this, but I guess he was hiding his true self. Now that I know, it is impossible to ignore. There is no way I will ever be happy.

He gave me the warning signs, so now it is up to me to listen to my intuition, and I am going to move on.

Thank you so much. When I do talk to him again, I will try to do the adult thing, and explain, but I know it fall on deaf ears. With men like him, nothing is ever their fault, but I do not care. He is always calling me hyper sensitive.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 4:36pm
Hmm this is a tough one. It seems as though you get attracted to violent people. I'd be really cautious around him, and if he does ONE THING to you physically, tell him to hit the road. I don't know any guys who get jealous of their girlfriends... mine barely ever does! Maybe he just as a problem with trust. Have you talked to him about his past relationships? Maybe they have cheated on him, and thinks it could happen again. I wouldnt break up with him just yet, think it over, and if you feel like it could turn out nasty, go with your gut. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-23-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 8:45pm
OK, this guy is just a jerk.

Finally, we have the discussion, and as I thought, he did not take it seriously at all, calling me being too sensitive.

He then goes on a derisive tirade, about how no one has ever accused him of being jealous before, and how i am the only one.

He then goes on to sight, how he was just showing he cared. Yeah, I 've heard that one before.

I ended up writing him a letter, just telling him, how I did not expect for him to understand, and that people who usually behave this manner, typically don't. But if it were me, I would want to know, so here it is, and this is how I feel about it. At least I can say I tried to explain. In most cases, people would just run.

I am going to cut off all contact. I did my part. I do not know what I was expecting him to do, actually admit how wrong he is? I told him he could rationalize it all he wants. He can laugh and be as condescending as he wants. But in the future, I am not going to be around to put up with this crap.

Thahks again for listening you guys. This punk was not even worth all my worry. I can not beleive I had a relapse.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-30-2004
Wed, 08-18-2004 - 9:21pm
I've been in two abusive relationships, so I speak from some experience.

There may be a slim chance that his behavior will not lead to violence. HOWEVER - is the physical violence the only bad part of abusive relationships? I rate the paranoia and other mind fuc*ing types of behavior right up there with a punch in the face. I refuse to be physically abused, and I also REFUSE to let someone try to mess with my mind, pull me into ridiculous arguments (one of my ex-BF's thought that every wrong number was my "lover on the side".), or make ME so mad and frustrated I feel like scratching out their eyeballs.

Dump him and try and find a guy who knows how to act like an adult. Do it over the phone - I long ago gave up doing break ups face to face for my own safety. And don't be twisted into "being friends" - cut him right out of your life, and stay firm.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-16-2004
Thu, 08-19-2004 - 4:48am
Tammy I agree that your guy sounds like a jerk however a lot of male/female business trips are used as cover for affairs. If you check the affair support board you will see that it used fairly often where it can be. Trust of ones partner makes it very easy for the cheating person to fool their SO. Business trips are necessary in some occupations and people just have to take some risk in relationships issues to allow their SO to advance. The risk of being cheated on however is real.

Best wishes !!!