does everyone keep score

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2007
does everyone keep score
5
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 7:39am

Does everyone keep score or is it just me as my DH say so?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2005
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 11:48am

Welcome to the board mom_amloved,


It seems like there is a lot of resentment on your part. I think it would be a very good idea work this out in marriage counseling. If you don't the resentment is just going to keep building up until it ruins your marriage beyond repair.


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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 12:16pm

Hi mom_amloved,


Not everyone keeps score. Not everyone gives to get something either. There is a huge price tag difference between a new bathroom and a new drill.

Avatar for blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 05-23-2007 - 5:24pm

It does sound like you're keeping score.

When you say "he gets to do this and I don't get to do that", THAT is "keeping score". You're comparing what he does to what you do. You are saying that every time he "gets" to do something, that you should "get" to do something too. Rarely is any relationship perfectly even and fair like that.

I agree with the others regarding counseling. If he won't go with you, go on your own.

Edited to add that I'm not saying you are wrong for feeling the way you do. I'm just trying to clarify the "keeping score" comment. I think the *causes* behind your keeping score is far more important than the actual score-keeping itself.




Edited 5/23/2007 5:25 pm ET by blondie0506
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2004
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 5:37am

I'm a little confused about your score keeping. A drill does not compare to a bathroom and a baby does not compare to smoking.

A few questions to help me understand better:

Have the two of you ever sat down and planned the new bathroom? That is, how to save for one and the timing of one going in?

Did he agree to having 3 kids when you married?

Was he a smoker when you married?

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Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 05-24-2007 - 12:02pm

It doesn't help to compare yourself to others, over and over. It only makes you irritable and not able to appreciate what you do receive. However, it is also important for things to be fair and balanced in relationships. You need to establish on-going, open, honest communication with your DH, where you each listen to each other, and speak kindly but clearly. Standards are important in a relationship and mutually held values. Decide what is fair for both, and keep to it.


As you've been in a pattern for such a long time and you feel that much is unfair, it could be a bit difficult to break that pattern on your own. Why not go for a few sessions to a well trained therapist who could provide the skills you both need to make things more satisfactory. Give up keeping score and start establishing standards, boundaries and times to talk (without demands and criticism, but just openly discussing what you feel). It will work wonders.


Best wishes,