Does he deserve to be told the truth?
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| Thu, 08-02-2007 - 7:31pm |
My boyfriend and I had a wonderful relationship for over 11 months. I met him at eharmony. When we first starting dating, I asked him if he ever wanted to have children, and he said yes. The reason I asked him this questions was because for me it's very import to be with a man who shares the same desire of having children. 4 months later I asked him the same question and he told me that he was not sure because he was afraid of having a child with autism or ADD etc. I listened carefully to all his concerns and fears, I was very hurt, but I said to myself at least he told me this early on, so I can move on with my life and find someone else. I told him to not waste each others time and that if we don't share the same desire as a couple of wanting children, we shouldn't be together. After a week he came back to me to say that he agreed to have only one child with me, that two would be too much...at least he decided to meet me half way with this decision. 4 moths went by until one day he told me that in his heart of hearts he had no desire of being a father. That he doesn't want any children and that he agreed to have one child because he was afraid to lose me and if I need to go and find someone else, he would understand. It was very painful to say goodbye, I cried a lot, however I decided to stay even though deep in my heart I knew that sooner or later I would have to say goodbye, because I was not willing to give up my desire of having a baby, to experience the joy of maternity. I also stayed because I though I could change his mind...but I was wrong.
We were planning to move in together, but I knew that I needed to approach the issue once again before moving in with him. Many people had told me that he was only afraid of fatherhood, but deep inside he was going to be a great father and that if I ever get pregnant, he wouldn't reject me. So I decided to test his reaction to a possible pregnancy. I know this was a very stupid idea... I lied, and I feel bad about it. When I told him I was pregnant, he had a very, very negative reaction to it. I wasn't expecting him to be jumping up and down of happiness, but I've never thought he would in fact reject me and the baby. He turned his back on me completely, don't want to be part of the baby's life, neither is he willing to help with child support. I called him cold hearted, insensitive and irresponsible and told him not to do the same his father did to him...to abandon a child. This stupid lie caused me so many tears; I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How can someone who said to deeply love me with all his heart mind and soul could ever turn his back on me in a situation like this? He blames me for not using an effective contraceptive and that it was my fault for getting pregnant. We haven't talked since then, and I'm debating weather or not I should send him an e-mail telling him that it was a false alarm or wait until he calls so I can tell him the truth. I ask myself if he has any remorse about it. Obviously, I'm the one who is suffering more, since he has not even bother to call and I don't think he will.
I miss him very, very much. My mistake was to think that I could change the way he feels about fatherhood. Big mistake! I don't want him to go on thinking that he abandoned a child in this world. I feel bad for this whole situation; I just wish that things could have been different for both us. However, I also think that this lie really helped find out the kind of men he really is. I feel bad, but at the same time I feel relieved thinking that I am not pregnant and how horrible I would have been feeling right now if the pregnancy would had been real, I would had to face pregnancy alone, and see my baby suffering his father rejection. Should he deserve to know the truth?
Jess

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The way I see it, you called his bluff in an effort to find out how he really feels. And now you know.
From here, yes I would tell him that you called his bluff. He does deserve to know the truth. However, under no circumstances would I consider having a relationship with him again. Find someone who wants the same in life as you.
>>Many people had told me that he was only afraid of fatherhood, but deep inside he was going to be a great father and that if I ever get pregnant, he wouldn't reject me.<<
Lastly, don't believe your friends when they try to analyse a boyfriend. You should always BELIEVE him if he says something....no matter how much you don't like what you're hearing.
If you value the qualities of; Respect, Integrity, Honor and Dignity, then you need to tell him. A person needs to live these things if they want them returned in kind. Don't expect a pleasant conversation as you played him big time with a truly amazing manipulation game and test. Granted, his response wasn't respectful either.
And many women wonder why men are cautious about entering onto a serious relationship. It's manipulation tactics like this that keep us cautious.
Please don't leave him thinking that he has a child somewhere in the world. Like you, he wanted to ignore the issue and hoped that it would work itself out. He hoped that maybe one of you would have changed your mind. He deserves some scorn for lying, but he doesn't deserve the pain of this kind of lie.
I met my wife on eHarmony and we are happily married. This was always a topic on my first dates. That's a bummer that he lied on the first date about this. I also thought that the "do you want to have children" question was part of the matching criteria. Maybe he lied to eHarmony as well in order to get the most matches.
I'll second the recommendation that you do not EVER get back together with this guy.
Edited 8/2/2007 8:54 pm ET by dr.revel
'This stupid lie caused me so many tears'
But better than that- you learned a lot about respect, relationships, and listening to your friends who just want to tell you what you want to hear. He was iffy about kids from a few months into the relationship and 'compromising' on having children doesn't work.
Tell him he has nothing to worry about and walk away.
**that in his heart of hearts he had no desire of being a father. That he doesn't want any children and that he agreed to have one child because he was afraid to lose me and if I need to go and find someone else, he would understand**
It doesn't sound like to me that he lied to you, he thought he wanted children and then realized he didn't.(he deserves credit for telling you the truth) You are putting all the blame on him for the reaction you got when you deliberately lied to him about something very important. YOU didn't want to believe what he said and sounds to me like he was being truthful with you.
YES you need to tell him the truth or the so called truth, regardless, if you want to continue to lie and say a false alarm or that you straight up lied. Doesn't matter which one you tell him. DON"T listen to what "other" people say he will do or not do next time. Listen to what he tells you. Hopefully you learned something from this "little test" of yours. You basically brought all this on yourself. You deserve someone that wants children with you, and He deserves someone that won't lie and manipulate him.
Sure, why not. Might as well tell another lie as a cover-up to the first lie and manipulation game. Integrity, ethics and responsibility has no place here when a cover-up strategy can be used.
Just imagine all the nasty names a man would be called if he did the same kind of thing.
Hi Jessica,
This is the way I see it. I think this situation has to be seen from two different point of views. The point of view of a horrible lie and the point of view of a real situation
You knew from the very beginning that you wanted to have a child, as he also knew that fatherhood was not for him. You both mislead each other with this important issue, now you both suffering the consequences of this terrible lie. If you should let him know that he will not be a father?...Yes, I think you should. Why? because you don't want to be left with the guilt that you keep him thinking that he abandoned a child that does not exist in this world. Obviously, he does not have any remorse on this (if this was real) since he hasn't contacted you. If you are still holding on to this lie just to see if he would still change his mind and call you and tell you that he really wants you and the baby...you are wrong.
For your own peace of mind, and to be able to move on...you should tell him the truth. Send him an e-mail, and with very short words just say that there is no baby, take care and goodbye. You are telling him the truth without telling him you lied. Telling him you lied is not important now, but telling him there is no pregnancy it is. Don't get into details about the whole situation, becuase it's already too painful for you and maybe for him. Now, If you hadn't lie and then you found out that it was a false alarm, then I would say, don't even bother to call him up to tell him about the false alarm since he turned his back on you, and it's obvious he doesn't want anything to do with you or the baby, but this is not the case.
But since this is a whole straight up lie, and like I said before, in order for YOU to move on, tell him the truth, close this chapter of your life and move on. Find someone who really shares your same desires and goals as a couple.
Good Luck,
Luna
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