Does he deserve to be told the truth?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-08-2003
Does he deserve to be told the truth?
14
Thu, 08-02-2007 - 7:31pm

My boyfriend and I had a wonderful relationship for over 11 months. I met him at eharmony. When we first starting dating, I asked him if he ever wanted to have children, and he said yes. The reason I asked him this questions was because for me it's very import to be with a man who shares the same desire of having children. 4 months later I asked him the same question and he told me that he was not sure because he was afraid of having a child with autism or ADD etc. I listened carefully to all his concerns and fears, I was very hurt, but I said to myself at least he told me this early on, so I can move on with my life and find someone else. I told him to not waste each others time and that if we don't share the same desire as a couple of wanting children, we shouldn't be together. After a week he came back to me to say that he agreed to have only one child with me, that two would be too much...at least he decided to meet me half way with this decision. 4 moths went by until one day he told me that in his heart of hearts he had no desire of being a father. That he doesn't want any children and that he agreed to have one child because he was afraid to lose me and if I need to go and find someone else, he would understand. It was very painful to say goodbye, I cried a lot, however I decided to stay even though deep in my heart I knew that sooner or later I would have to say goodbye, because I was not willing to give up my desire of having a baby, to experience the joy of maternity. I also stayed because I though I could change his mind...but I was wrong.

We were planning to move in together, but I knew that I needed to approach the issue once again before moving in with him. Many people had told me that he was only afraid of fatherhood, but deep inside he was going to be a great father and that if I ever get pregnant, he wouldn't reject me. So I decided to test his reaction to a possible pregnancy. I know this was a very stupid idea... I lied, and I feel bad about it. When I told him I was pregnant, he had a very, very negative reaction to it. I wasn't expecting him to be jumping up and down of happiness, but I've never thought he would in fact reject me and the baby. He turned his back on me completely, don't want to be part of the baby's life, neither is he willing to help with child support. I called him cold hearted, insensitive and irresponsible and told him not to do the same his father did to him...to abandon a child. This stupid lie caused me so many tears; I couldn't believe what I was hearing. How can someone who said to deeply love me with all his heart mind and soul could ever turn his back on me in a situation like this? He blames me for not using an effective contraceptive and that it was my fault for getting pregnant. We haven't talked since then, and I'm debating weather or not I should send him an e-mail telling him that it was a false alarm or wait until he calls so I can tell him the truth. I ask myself if he has any remorse about it. Obviously, I'm the one who is suffering more, since he has not even bother to call and I don't think he will.

I miss him very, very much. My mistake was to think that I could change the way he feels about fatherhood. Big mistake! I don't want him to go on thinking that he abandoned a child in this world. I feel bad for this whole situation; I just wish that things could have been different for both us. However, I also think that this lie really helped find out the kind of men he really is. I feel bad, but at the same time I feel relieved thinking that I am not pregnant and how horrible I would have been feeling right now if the pregnancy would had been real, I would had to face pregnancy alone, and see my baby suffering his father rejection. Should he deserve to know the truth?

Jess

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 3:29pm

Is it not good enough that the last thing he said on this topic was:

"4 months went by until one day he told me that in his heart of hearts he had no desire of being a father. That he doesn't want any children and that he agreed to have one child because he was afraid to lose me and if I need to go and find someone else, he would understand."

Notice how he said - "if I need to go and find someone else, he would understand."

It was after that that she played her evil manipulation lie and game with him. Where is the integrity, ethics and responsibility in that, given that he accepted his responsibility?

Or, are women not required to have integrity, ethics, and responsibility when a man doesn't give her everything she wants and demands on a silver platter, when and how she wants?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 3:37pm

>>>Might as well tell another lie as a cover-up to the first lie and manipulation game. Integrity, ethics and responsibility has no place here when a cover-up strategy can be used.<<<

Integrity, ethics, and responsibility are already out the door. What is the point in hurting the man further by telling the truth at this point? Since those three things are already out the door, what point is served in making the man feel worse by telling him the truth, that she played him? So *she* will feel better.

>>>Just imagine all the nasty names a man would be called if he did the same kind of thing.<<<

Since I deal with ethical issues everyday, I don't call people names in general. If you are talking about other women and the names they might call a man, you apparently haven't heard how much much nastier women can be about other women than they ever are about men.

Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket Photo Sharing and Video Hosting at Photobucket





Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 7:41pm

Spiceman,

What if this would have been a real situation? This was a test for him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-20-2007
Fri, 08-03-2007 - 8:33pm

My first response got deleted because it was taken as a personal attack. So I'll try to phrase it another way. Look at these lines you've posted:

"he told me that in his heart of hearts he had no desire of being a father."
"I decided to stay even though deep in my heart I knew that sooner or later I would have to say goodbye"
"I also stayed because I though I could change his mind"
"I've never thought he would in fact reject me"
"I called him cold hearted, insensitive and irresponsible"
"How can someone who said to deeply love me with all his heart mind and soul could ever turn his back on me in a situation like this?"
"Obviously, I'm the one who is suffering more"
"I miss him very, very much"

You haven't stopped to think about how HE might feel thinking that there's a child out there with his DNA. Tell him the truth, and let him leave you. Even someone who feels about children the way he does deserves better.

Pages