Does he just need to be taught?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-02-2006
Does he just need to be taught?
4
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 4:15am

I've been engaged to this guy who is been a party-er all his life. I've been married before, and I probably lost my partying tendencies. He's 43 (plenty old enough to be out with his girl!). I'm 37 years old. We used to go out a lot, but it suddenly stopped. I'm trying to get things together because a financial investment he made went bad.

We were supposed to go away this weekend, but we couldn't get a flight (he works for airlines). He immediately said, it's your weekend, let's do what you want! We had a good weekend, though our wine tasting outing today was hampered by his total hangover from last night. I went to a birthday party, which my fiance and I were personally invited separately to on separate email invitations. But there was a basketball game which he really wanted to watch. It was fine with me, that's what he loves to do. But I said that we should meet up afterwards.

I called him at 11:00 to meet me at the party, but NO, he has one more stop to make and he's tired and besides he had a friend in the car so he can't meet me. I was ok about it, but pissed. Was there any reason why he couldn't make an attempt to meet me? I mean - the basketball game had been over for almost two hours!!! And meanwhile, the birthday host where I was introduced all the newly engaged couples - I was standing there ALONE!!!

I went home, and tried to figure out what to do. When I called him at 11:00, he said he was beat tired (having stayed out until 3:00 am the night before). But it was 1:00 a.m. now, and I had a lot of energy, and wanted to go back out. I called him, several times, and he is always conscietious about picking up the phone while he is out. 2 rings - go to voice mail. 3 rings- go to voice mail. 7 rings - go to voice mail. Text message - do you want to meet? - no response.
I was obviously being sent to voice mail - I'm not STUPID.

You know I'm 37 years old, and I am engaged to an adolescent. I have been such a good "wife" to this person, with no idea if or when we will get married (oh, that's another story).

Please there must be some excuse about how he is a male, and he doesn't "get it." I mean - at what age do men begin to "get it."???

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2004
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 7:53am
Mohala, if he doesn't get it by the age of 43, he's NEVER going to get it. This is the way he is (self-indulgent, unreliable, discourteous, perhaps dishonest), and this is the position you will always occupy in his life. I'm sorry, I don't know any way to get a person to be someone he or she is not. The person you have to work with is you: how will you feel in 20 years, when he's still doing the same things?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-11-2006
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 3:32pm
If you want to marry an adolescent, partying male then do it. Don't assume he is going to change. If you don't want this life then move on. What else are your options?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 5:52pm

Welcome to the board mohala,


I think you answered your own question:


::You know I'm 37 years old, and I am engaged to an adolescent. I have been such a good "wife" to this person, with no idea if or when we will get married (oh, that's another story).


You are engaged to an adolescent and he doesn't just need to be taught. This is who he is. What you see is what you get.

Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 04-01-2007 - 6:43pm

The problem isn't with him, it's with you. What are you staying there for?? If you're hoping he'll change, you're making a big mistake. His behavior is letting you know who he is and how much you can and cannot count on him. It's time to take real stock of yourself and ask why you are putting up with this? Is this the kind of relationship you want or feel you deserve? He is letting you know now what you can expect from him in the future (if there is one). Now it's really up to you to say yes or no.

Take time to really think about what you want and feel you deserve in a relationship. You need to work on your own self esteem and feelings of deservability.

Best wishes,