does he love me or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
does he love me or not?
5
Wed, 10-06-2004 - 9:31pm
I was dating my "boyfriend" for almost two years. It was somewhat complicated as he was coming out of an 8 year relationship and he was very confused. He would continutally break up with me to go back to her and then he would come back to me saying he realized he loved me and I was the one he wanted to be with . He did this to me (or I let him do this to me) many many times over. He was just so convincing everytime he would practicallyh be in tears about how much he loved me. I finally had enough of this emotional rollercoaster and left him for good over a year ago. He begged and begged for me back (we worked together so I still saw him everyday) and I somehow had the strength to not go back to him. I knew that the minute I would go back to me he would leave me again. That's what he did. He would beg for me back things would be great for a short time and he would leave me again. So I finally learned and stopped going back. Recently we have had contact again and he still is begging for me back saying that over the course of the past year he has grown so much and he knows how terribly he treated me and that he still wants to marry me. He's saying thingws about how I am the one and he has never felt for anyone what he feels for me. But I know he was seeing someone while we were broken up and now they are broken up but are still very good friends as their is her 8 year old son involved. I actually know her. They were friends while we were together and then when we broke up he would cry to her and then as cliche as it is they became romantically involved. But again they broke up a few weeks ago or so he says. So after crying to me 2 weeks ago and telling me that he has changed and he wants to give me the world I finally said that I wanted to give it another try. And now he says he doesn't think it's the right time for us. He says he knows we will end up together but now is not our time. I think maybe he feels this way because my father is ill and i'm dealing with that and it is very hard for me. But he knew this when he was telling me two weeks ago he would marry me. So I guess I was right? How could someone keep doing this? WHY would someone do this? I mean it's been a year we've been broken up and havne't had much contact. He's suffered for a year without me and then when I finally say ok he says it's not the right time for us? Can someone please explain to me what kind of a person does this? I mean is he mentally ill or something? Please help because this boy is ruining my life!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 1:53pm
Because he can. He doesn't want to be alone at any point, so he always 'falls' back on you to save himself from being alone. You will have to be the strong one, you will have to not 'buy into' his emotions, you will have to set the boundaries and stick to them.

Sorry you have to go through this.


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2004
Thu, 10-07-2004 - 8:14pm
actually i think i came to that conclusion myself today. but as i thought about it i realized that i am doing the same thing with him. i think we want each other to fall back on so we don't ever have to face being truly alone. but one of us is eventually going to find someone i guess. thanks for your thoughts.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 9:50am
Hey let me start off by saying that i so feel your pain. I am going thru the exact same thing that you are and it is not easy at all. The only thing is in my situation it hasnt been going on that long, it has been about a year and a half. It has been the hardest time of my life. last night we decided to end things yet again and this time he had this i dont think i care attitude so this time it might be over for good and part of me really hopes so. It is so not you so dont even start to think that at all. My guy is great looking, sweet and has so much potential but he plays with my head and my heart so much. In my eyes i don think that they see how much we suffer because of them. i think that they are usually really confused but they do what they have to do to make things right for them at that time. It sounds too me like you are that girl that is not stop there for him regardless of what he does, he are that girl that takes care of him , you are that girl that no matter what other people told you, you had to find out and see it for yourself. i know because i am that girl. I think they have a pattern and that they will never be able to make the changes that they need to, as long as we allow them to come back and forth all the time they will continue to do it. we deserve so much better than to be second place, we deserve someone that is going to be good and faithfull all the time, not when it is just conveinent for them. Be strong and i will do the same and maybe just maybe we can let them go for good and move on with our lives with someone that makes us truly happy!!! Good luck with your decision
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-21-2004
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 10:25am
Honey, these kinds of people are called MEN. I'm alomst in the same situation. It's all a big hunt. Once you give them your all...they don't want you around. Once you leave them or give them no attention....they try to get you back. Life is all a big game. It doesn't matter if you've been together 2 weeks, 2 months, 2 years...whatever. They are all the same. Just try it. If he calls you blow him off, act like your having so much fun with out him. I know it's hard, but YOU HAVE TO DO IT. My guy has been screwing with me for 4 months. "I love you but we can't be together right now" or "I want to be with you but I'm scared" or the stupid sucker won't call me for two days. But you know what? Once I get on with my self...he calls wondering what I'm doing. He wants me to come over, he apoligizes, and then were back together for like 3 days... & once I start showing affection and love...he blows me off. It's push and pull situation that every relationship experiences. When you blow him off...he will come back, and when he blows you off, you want him even more. It's something that cannot be controlled, and it sucks...but that's the way it is.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 10-08-2004 - 10:28am

There are many layers to this unfortunate and abusive situation. To begin, yes, he is emotionally ill. He vacillates, plays games with himself and also plays games with others. He doesn't know who he truly is, so he cannot be counted upon to stay through difficult times in a relationship. One minute this looks good, then it doesn't.