Does he love me or not?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Does he love me or not?
4
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:12pm
My boyfriend and I have been dating for over 2 years. About 5 years ago his fiancee cheated on him. Ever since he's been scared to be in a relationship. It took him over a year into our relationship to admit we were bf/gf. He is slowly improving but I'm feeling very insecure.

I've told him that I love him, but he hasn't said he loves me. He's said "I care about you more than I want to admit" but he also says he doesn't know how he feels. He's told me he cares about me "a lot." I care about him more than I've ever cared about anyone else. We're best friends and the thought that he doesn't love me, and that I could lose my best friend breaks my heart. I'm trying to be objective, but I really think he does love me and isn't ready to say it, but then I second guess myself.

But at the same time, I need to know whether or not he does love me, or if I'm just setting myself up for a bigger heartbreak. He says he feels "broken" inside, and I'm so confused about whether he loves me and is afraid to say, or if he doesn't.

Any advice would be appreciated

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-04-2003
Wed, 03-03-2004 - 1:25pm
Sad that he hides behind his past.... loving someone isn't about saying it, it can be about showing it. However, sounds like he has unresolved issues from the last break up.

Reading material to consider:

Five Love Languages, Gary Chapman

Men Are Like Waffles - Women Are Like Spaghetti, Bill & Pam Farrel

A Couple's Guide to Communication, John Mordechai Gottman


Carrie

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 9:00am
Hello. It sounds like he's just scared, and you probably shouldn't be second guessing yourself. I guess I should know how a person who's been burned acts. His reactions to you probably aren't personal. Probably if you just give him time, he'll come around. Best wishes.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-20-2003
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 9:40am
You sound just as confused as your boyfriend feels. I think that you should just take a step back, stop pressuring him (if you are) and stop dwelling on it. I think that your boyfriend is still harboring those old jilted feelings he had when his ex-fiancee cheated on him and unfortunately, you are the receiver of this. I think that your boyfriend does love you but he can't bring himself to say it because the last woman he told that to cheated on him. Does that make sense? Honestly, I think that one day when you least expect it, he will say it and you will feel totally relieved. In the meantime, keep nurturing your relationship, continue building a foundation on your friendship and you will be alright.

Good Luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-10-2004
Fri, 03-05-2004 - 9:47am
I think the excuse of having been 'hurt' is a shoddy one. Who hasn't been hurt in their life? In the end, it's not about the hand we get dealt in life, it's about how we play the hand. One can suffer bad experiences, learn and grow from them, or one can be victimized by their experiences - it sounds like your b/f falls in the latter category and that's not good.

Your boyfriend is, as itwinflame said, hiding behind this 'I've been hurt'. Okay, so his fiancee cheated on him, but that was years ago. The fact that he cannot get past this speaks volumes about him. I would have a very open and honest discussion about what you need from him in order for this relatioship to continue. And if you can't state your needs for fear of his 'feelings' then you should really think about what kind of relationship you have if you cannot be entirely honest.

It's alright to be scared, but it's not alright for your fear to paralyze you and stop you from living your life fully. Do you really want to be with somebody long term that is unable to get past something that happened so many years ago?

Coolas