Does he really love me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2004
Does he really love me?
3
Thu, 09-02-2004 - 11:17pm
I love my husband to death, and I don't think there is anyone else out there for me and I have always believed that you can only fall in love once, but he has made me question that. He has a son with his highschool sweetheart. His son is seven years old and him and his ex haven't been together for six years. Everyone knows he suffered a lot when they broke up and that he was in love with her. But everyone also says that he would treat her bad, and that they have never seen him so whipped like he is with me. He has changed a lot of his habits. He has sacrificed a lot for me, and always shows me how much he loves me.When I ask him who is the love of his life, it is me, but that his first love was his ex. I ask him, "did you really love her?" and he says that he did and that they had good memories. He says that that is all in the past now and that he loves me soo much. I thought that he would've realized that what he thought was love with his ex was just a mistake and that his first and true love is me, but he never says that. Can he really love me and have no feelings for her. Can I really be the love of his life? I always feel so inferior to her because I know that he loved her so much. I don't feel comfortable when I think that I came second in his life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2004
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 2:20pm
Love is not like lightening, it does strike twice or three even four times. I was in love with my fist boyfriend very much and when we broke up, i thought i could never love anyone as much but my current boyfriend is everything i never even knew i wanted. I loved my ex but it is a diffrent kind of love than what i am experiencing now. If someone really loved someone they won't ever be able to deny it. And that is not neccesarily a bad thing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 2:51pm
The reason you're having so much trouble believing he loves you is because your basic premise is erroneous. You wrote, "I have always believed that you can only fall in love once." That is patently false. The opposite is true for most people. It's a rare few who marry their high school sweethearts because young love is immature love. As people mature they form a different way of viewing life. They change tremendously between their teen years and mid to late twenties. With that maturation comes changes in attitudes, behavior, and what they desire and value in a partner. They often do love the people who came before, but that doesn't mean they still love them as they once did, or that they would choose that person today if the opportunity presented itself.

I once met a man in his 80s, and we became friends until the day he died. He had been widowed three times and it was wonderful to listen to him talk about how much he loved each of his wives, how beautiful they were, how happy he had been with them, how much he missed them, and how different they were from each other. Some of their qualities were similar, and their values matched his, but he loved each of them for what made them unique. Listening to him, I sometimes wished he was 30 years younger so I could have a shot at marrying him.

Believe what he tells you. You are not "second" in his life at all, not the way you think. You are his FIRST WIFE, and hopefully his only wife. His first love was not a mistake, it was appropriate for that developmental stage in his life, and it's not fair to ask him to discount what helped to make him the man he is today, the man you love. Be glad he worked out his bad habits/negative behaviors before he met you. Doubting him will only create disharmony, and the disharmony you create can begin a self-fulfilling prophecy. And realize that you are a very lucky woman. Not many of us find the love and devotion of a good man the first time we fall in love. Most of us suffer a lot of heartache before we find him, if we ever do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Fri, 09-03-2004 - 2:55pm
Hey There,

I understand how you feel in a way. But think about it like this. Isn't it a good to know that he loved the mother of his child? Rememeber that they are not togeher for a reason, and that the problems they had were greater than the love they shared. He is with you now. He loves you very much. If he wanted his ex, he would still be with her. You are not second place in his heart, but rather, a gift to him, as he is to you. Be thankful for the love you share and put his past where it belongs...in the past. Accept his love for you and be thankful you have an honest man.


Edited 9/3/2004 2:57 pm ET ET by issuesongoing