Does he want to hit me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Does he want to hit me?
16
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:44am
My husband of 10 years said something very strange last night. He wondered out loud what it would be like to beat the sh*t out of me. We have been getting along so well for months! I'm not an aggressive person, I do take care of my body and am athletic and participate in many sports. My husband does not and is overweight. I only say that wondering if that might be the problem (?). Could he be jealous of me? Does he feel like he needs to compete with me?

It was more than a little sickening. I kind of ignored that comment, but he said something like it the next day. Now it's scary. Can this just be a verbal thing and I'm overreacting? What is going on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 1:39am
has he said anything like this before or does he do anything to you to make you believe he has violent tendencies?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:08am
Did he just say this out of the blue? What a bizarre thing to say without any other indicators...

As a girl who's been beaten and lived to tell about it, I'd be very freaked out. I can't be with any man who cannot control his temper or shows the slightest signs of misogynous tendencies. Even if he's just punching walls, it's enough for me to walk out on the relationship. It may seem kind of premature, but perhaps you might consider suggesting counseling for you two or for any anger issues he's having.

Please keep us posted. I'm interested in hearing more about this.

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:32am
We did have a rocky relationship when we first got together, but for the most part everything has been pretty smooth for the last few years. He pushed me a few months ago when he was angry but that's it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:36am
It was very bizzare. He was laughing when he said it and that's why I kinda blew it off until the next day. Now I'm a little freaked out. I've tried to get him into counseling with me in the past and wound up going by myself for awhile, but it didn't do a whole lot of good.

I'm afraid things will go back to the way they were a few years ago.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:41am
How were things a few years ago? Has there ever been any abuse be it verbal, emotional or physical? Do you feel like you may have a reason to be worried based on past experiences with him?

Shay

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:54am
Do not just bury your head in the sand and write the comments off as a "verbal thing." That is a big, fat red flag. It's like the guy who casually mentions to his friends one day that he's thought about suicide. Should they really be that shocked when he blows his brains out a week later?

I was 16 years old and had a boyfriend for a year and a half who was awful to me. He hit me, pushed me, pinned my arms back until I screamed out of fear he would rape me and finally threw me down the stairs. The stairs was when I woke up and realized what I'd gotten myself into. The physical abuse only went on for the last 3 months or so, but the emotional abuse started very early in the relationship and developed slowly until I believed that I really wasn't that great a catch and lucky to have this loser. I finally got myself together and dumped him (not without a swift kick in the groin first, though).

Now I teach workshops on teenage relationship violence and have been a volunteer for a few shelters. It's been an inspiration in the end... but I still wish I had not lived it as long as I did.

So, having been in a situation of abuse, I'm curious to know what else has transpired in last 10 years of your marriage. Does he verbally abuse you or take you for granted?

Ivy

georgiasugarbaby@yahoo.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 11:58am
If he hasn't hit you in ten years, do you think he is going to do it now?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 4:51pm
"Out of the abundance of the heart, the mouth speaks." I would say he's at least thinking about hitting you, because he brought it up twice. Just why he's thinking about it is hard to determine. I would be careful, however. This is not a normal thing for him to be thinking, much less talking about. There's something wrong. If you feel safe enough, I would sit down with him and ask him seriously to explain himself. If he passes it off, I would definitely say that's a big, red flag. You might want to seek counseling, but I would be choosey about who you pick. However, I wouldn't just wait for him to act on what he's talking about, this seems serious to me. I wouldn't just accept him passing off your fears as ridiculous because you know him so well, either. He should be genuinely sorry for the concern he's caused you. If he's not, I would be concerned, maybe even if he seems sorry but is not specific about why. What he said could be considered a terroristic threat if it wasn't phrased as "I wonder...", making it conditional. I think he knows what he saying and is seeing how far he can push it. Be safe. Best wishes!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:44pm
He would embarrass me in front of his friends. If I made a comment out of turn he would make fun of me..to the point of making me tear up. I felt stupid and like the worst idiot. I still get angry sometimes when I think about those times and how I put up with it. He is also very internet savy and if I say too much he will know who this is...but let me say that I did stop it and a few months later we met up again. He hasn't been near as violent or mean. Or so I thought..
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:47pm
It used to be mostly verbal, but it's been so much better that I had begun to believe we were really going to make it. Now I'm wondering if I was seeing things so clearly...

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