Does he want to hit me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Does he want to hit me?
16
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 12:44am
My husband of 10 years said something very strange last night. He wondered out loud what it would be like to beat the sh*t out of me. We have been getting along so well for months! I'm not an aggressive person, I do take care of my body and am athletic and participate in many sports. My husband does not and is overweight. I only say that wondering if that might be the problem (?). Could he be jealous of me? Does he feel like he needs to compete with me?

It was more than a little sickening. I kind of ignored that comment, but he said something like it the next day. Now it's scary. Can this just be a verbal thing and I'm overreacting? What is going on?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 9:49pm
I really don't know..I feel so confused right now. I definately don't feel safe anymore and he can feel it because I'm avoiding him like crazy which makes him even more insecure and on and on.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Wed, 04-07-2004 - 10:07pm
Like he was testing the water to see how I would react? That feels true. No..I can't talk to him about this. He will only get angry even though I need to know why he said those things. Maybe things aren't better after all..
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:18am
I think you are in an abusive relationship. He shouldn't have been humiliating you in front of friends, etc. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to talk about almost anything, especially something he did. Just the fact that you're too afraid to talk to him is a big, red flag. I would suggest that you go to a center for domestic abuse and get ideas there. If you're not sure, I think they can clear-up any confusion, and from what I've seen, they're pretty fair-minded, not "man-haters". Which is a label abusive men try to tag on them. Verbal abuse and intimidation can be just as damaging as physical, etc. You owe this to yourself! Please take care! Best wishes.
Avatar for drshoshanna
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:25am

No, you're right, this is scary. It's verbal abuse - perhaps intended (consciously or unconsciously) to frighten and/or intimidate you. As he said it two nights in a row, it should not be overlooked. Be direct - ask him what he means by it? He may just try to laugh it off or say you're making too much of it - but let him know quite clearly that this is abusive talk, disturbing to you, and completely unacceptable. Find out what he's so angry about. Give him a chance to verbalize what may be going on inside (so he doesn't have to wish he can act it out). Clearly, he's angry. Be aware and be careful. Do not let any other kind of statement like this or other abuse go on. One thing can lead to another. Take a good careful look at your relationship - see if there are issues you both have that are unexplored. If you can to learn more about abuse in relationships, there are not only websites, but actual support groups for women who have been abused. You might do a little exploring, get some support and insight and have more ability to handle whatever may be going on.


All good wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-13-2003
Thu, 04-08-2004 - 10:26am
Hi blue,

I'm really sorry you're going through all of this. It's not fair at all for you to feel uncomfortable and unsafe in your own home. Your husband seems to have a lot of insecurities and it seems like maybe he's angry or even jealous and taking it out on you in these ways. It also seems like it's going to get worse as time goes on if you guys don't get some sort of help. The thing that worries me is that he only made the one comment(although he said it a couple of times) about beating the sh!t out of you,but what is he thinking?? You have no idea what's on his mind. He could be thinking a lot worse things or even thinking in more detail about what he said. I don't know what you're willing to do in order to insure your safety or if you really feel like he could possibly carry this out. But the thought of it would be enough to scare the He!! out of me. I know you said that he was very emmotionally and verbally abusive in the past and unfortunately that sort of thing at some point often escalates to some display of physical violence.Also even if it doesn't turn physical I can tell that you don't want to go back to feeling the way he made you feel when he was embarrassing you in front of friends etc. At times that sort of abuse can be much more humilliating than physical. Please get help for yourself. How do you feel about your husband at this point? Can you see yourself married to him for the rest of your life?If so Does that thought make you happy? Be safe and take care of yourself.



God Bless,

Shay

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:48pm
Thank you all for your replies. You brought up things I hadn't thought about and it made me realize that nothing has really changed. I've just learned how to keep him calm and avoid getting him angry or jealous. Of course...it's easy not to be embarrassed in front of people when you don't ask them over anymore. I really can't talk to him about this..he will be mad and take it out on me for days, but I will call a shelter and see if I can get some help. Thanks to all of you.

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